A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

This is how I feel about my Beloved sometimes... I feel like I want to find a way to make the night last longer, the afternoons linger, the mornings extend into infinity... Basically, any time I'm with him, I don't want it to end... Even when it's just his voice on the telephone, the moment seems all that matters... I am reminded of a scene in Star Trek Insurrection, where Anij of the Bak'u is talking to Picard about perfect moments in time, and everything seems to suddenly slow and stop, letting them linger in that moment endlessly... Sometimes I wish I could do that...

Back on the 23rd, Heather posted about having a life list... It inspired me to create one of my own, and though I haven't yet added 43 things to my list, I have reached the halfway mark with 21... And since this is a list to build on, to grow from, and create one's own reality with, I think half a list is a good start... As Heather noted in her blog, these aren't resolutions - they are what I want to see and create in my own life... These are the things that are important to me... If you want to try this too, go to 43 Things and begin your own list...

My Life List

1. take the next step in my relationship with my Beloved

2. learn to let go of the things that hurt and embrace fully the things that bring joy

3. devote myself to more of my solo music projects

4. be a better writer - both blogging and my private journalling

5. take a long distance cycling trip

6. go home to Romania one last time

7. be a better foster mom

8. have a child of my own

9. get together a 10 year financial plan

10. learn to live like today is the only day we have

11. weave more enchantments for *myself*

12. run a marathon for charity

13. record a solo album (even if I don't sell a single copy)

14. laugh at least once a day

15. teach my Beloved to dance (even if it's only slow dances)

16. learn more Mexican Spanish

17. get a kanji tattoo

18. complete my thesis and get my masters

19. hone my archery skills

20. go back to Japan - with my Beloved this time

21. Work on the band's dynamic

In spite of my absences from this blog, my friends here are never far from my thoughts... So whether you've given up on reading me (because my updates have been so damned infrequent) or you still linger to hear whatever I might say when I happen to wander by... You're all in my thoughts this holiday...

I wish you Happiness, the freedom to pursue it and the success of achieving it... I wish you Joy, the simple pleasures and the complex ecstacy... I wish you Peace, in your lives and in the world around you... I wish you Fulfillment, of your dreams and in your soul... But most of all, I wish you Love - love of family, love of friends, love with your lovers, and the love of strangers, too... Of all the gifts I could offer, these wishes for you are the best I know...

May you never know sadness, and if you must, may it quickly pass... May you always have Magic, because life is nothing without enchantment... and may you and yours have a *very* happy holiday season...

My love to you all...
Angelia Rian

Because I can ever tell him this enough....






I love you... With all of me...

Make a Smilebox greeting

My friend, bandmate, and brother, Denver Patrick O'Reilly passed away on Friday at 11:42pm... His funeral is in 40 minutes, and I'm still not ready to say goodbye... Perhaps I never will be... His passing has left a broken, empty space in my heart... And part of the music has died...

But there is still my Beloved, who held me upright this morning, and who will again tonight... And though he never got to know Denny well, I think he grieves his passing too... For what might have been, and now never can be... And for the pain he feels when my heart feels it...

The Smilebox (ironic name) above is for Denny... And the song below for my Beloved... The song fits what he speaks to me, the words he speaks that comfort me...

Breath In Breath Out by Mat Kearney

Breath in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
If everybody bleeds this way - just the same
Breath in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away - I will stay

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
And I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Hold on, hold tight
From out of your sight
And everything keeps moving on, moving on
Hold on, hold tight
Make it throught another night
And everyday there comes the sun - with the dawn

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out

Look left, look right - to the moon and the night
Everything under the stars is in your arms
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

I am a dependant creature... I am - in spite of the strong independent streak I show... Ultimately, I only feel strong enough to exercise that independence when I know I have someone there to catch me when I fall... It's an odd and ironic contradiction... When I am alone, my bravery and willfulness desert me and I become a strange and desperate creature, doing the most senseless things because I am lonely and afraid... But when I have those who love me beside me, I am fearless... I'd take on lions barehanded and be convinced I'd win, no matter how unlikely that is... My relationships with people are my internal support structure, and with that support I can be a Valkyrie...

Sometimes I wonder whether this is a flaw or a strength in me... Is it alright to need others so much if it makes you so strong...? Or is it a disaster waiting to happen if I lose those I depend upon...? It has been both in the past, and I've done some foolish things to maintain that careful balance... And I'm often obsessed with what I can do and be for others... Which is not always a good place to be...

So today, I stopped obsessing on what others want and need me to be, and thought about what I'd want for myself, if I could have it all... And you know what I realised...? I don't really want much... Adventure...? Excitement...? Been there, done that... Fame...? Wealth...? Over-rated... What I want goes right back to that need of people - a little home, a forever lover and mate, a child of my own blood, my boys, and the occasional song to sing to make people happy... That's it... That's all... Of all the things I could aspire to or desire, I want that which is most simplistic... The Glamourous Angel would rather be a modern June Cleaver... And maybe that's because, for me, it's that that's seemed most unattainable in my life... In a way, I find it ironic that that's so... Because I am the one that always distains tradition and runs right over custom...

It's all about the need to love and be loved, I suppose... And there are worse goals to have in this life, don't you think...?