Post Valentine's Musings

I am a dependant creature... I am - in spite of the strong independent streak I show... Ultimately, I only feel strong enough to exercise that independence when I know I have someone there to catch me when I fall... It's an odd and ironic contradiction... When I am alone, my bravery and willfulness desert me and I become a strange and desperate creature, doing the most senseless things because I am lonely and afraid... But when I have those who love me beside me, I am fearless... I'd take on lions barehanded and be convinced I'd win, no matter how unlikely that is... My relationships with people are my internal support structure, and with that support I can be a Valkyrie...

Sometimes I wonder whether this is a flaw or a strength in me... Is it alright to need others so much if it makes you so strong...? Or is it a disaster waiting to happen if I lose those I depend upon...? It has been both in the past, and I've done some foolish things to maintain that careful balance... And I'm often obsessed with what I can do and be for others... Which is not always a good place to be...

So today, I stopped obsessing on what others want and need me to be, and thought about what I'd want for myself, if I could have it all... And you know what I realised...? I don't really want much... Adventure...? Excitement...? Been there, done that... Fame...? Wealth...? Over-rated... What I want goes right back to that need of people - a little home, a forever lover and mate, a child of my own blood, my boys, and the occasional song to sing to make people happy... That's it... That's all... Of all the things I could aspire to or desire, I want that which is most simplistic... The Glamourous Angel would rather be a modern June Cleaver... And maybe that's because, for me, it's that that's seemed most unattainable in my life... In a way, I find it ironic that that's so... Because I am the one that always distains tradition and runs right over custom...

It's all about the need to love and be loved, I suppose... And there are worse goals to have in this life, don't you think...?
4 Responses
  1. Charles Says:

    I think everyone has need others support to get through the day at least once in there lives. It doesn't sound strange at all.

    Some of us are to stubborn sometimes to admit they need help, and being stubborn is what I what I would call a weakness.

  2. Ken Says:

    "Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things." -- Yoda

    Hmm. Seems to me you are closer to being a Jedi...

  3. Anonymous Says:

    I am so glad to see a post! I have missed you so much hon. I really have. I love this post--Such honesty with yourself, and I agree, there are worse goals in life, then the need to love & be loved.

    Missss you xox ♥

  4. Angelia Rian Says:

    Charles - You may be right... *soft smile* Sometimes I'm just afraid of needing certain people so much... When I lose someone, there is a shadow in me that never quite goes away...

    Ken - Wasn't aiming to be a Jedi... But I do swing a mean lightsabre... ;)

    Heather - I missed you too...! :) I've just being working so much I've been burnt out mentally, and that's never a time to write... As for the honesty - I was in an instrospective mood again... Thinking about the future... *soft smile*