A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

I am a dependant creature... I am - in spite of the strong independent streak I show... Ultimately, I only feel strong enough to exercise that independence when I know I have someone there to catch me when I fall... It's an odd and ironic contradiction... When I am alone, my bravery and willfulness desert me and I become a strange and desperate creature, doing the most senseless things because I am lonely and afraid... But when I have those who love me beside me, I am fearless... I'd take on lions barehanded and be convinced I'd win, no matter how unlikely that is... My relationships with people are my internal support structure, and with that support I can be a Valkyrie...

Sometimes I wonder whether this is a flaw or a strength in me... Is it alright to need others so much if it makes you so strong...? Or is it a disaster waiting to happen if I lose those I depend upon...? It has been both in the past, and I've done some foolish things to maintain that careful balance... And I'm often obsessed with what I can do and be for others... Which is not always a good place to be...

So today, I stopped obsessing on what others want and need me to be, and thought about what I'd want for myself, if I could have it all... And you know what I realised...? I don't really want much... Adventure...? Excitement...? Been there, done that... Fame...? Wealth...? Over-rated... What I want goes right back to that need of people - a little home, a forever lover and mate, a child of my own blood, my boys, and the occasional song to sing to make people happy... That's it... That's all... Of all the things I could aspire to or desire, I want that which is most simplistic... The Glamourous Angel would rather be a modern June Cleaver... And maybe that's because, for me, it's that that's seemed most unattainable in my life... In a way, I find it ironic that that's so... Because I am the one that always distains tradition and runs right over custom...

It's all about the need to love and be loved, I suppose... And there are worse goals to have in this life, don't you think...?