A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

Make a Smilebox greeting

My friend, bandmate, and brother, Denver Patrick O'Reilly passed away on Friday at 11:42pm... His funeral is in 40 minutes, and I'm still not ready to say goodbye... Perhaps I never will be... His passing has left a broken, empty space in my heart... And part of the music has died...

But there is still my Beloved, who held me upright this morning, and who will again tonight... And though he never got to know Denny well, I think he grieves his passing too... For what might have been, and now never can be... And for the pain he feels when my heart feels it...

The Smilebox (ironic name) above is for Denny... And the song below for my Beloved... The song fits what he speaks to me, the words he speaks that comfort me...

Breath In Breath Out by Mat Kearney

Breath in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
If everybody bleeds this way - just the same
Breath in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away - I will stay

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
And I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Hold on, hold tight
From out of your sight
And everything keeps moving on, moving on
Hold on, hold tight
Make it throught another night
And everyday there comes the sun - with the dawn

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out

Look left, look right - to the moon and the night
Everything under the stars is in your arms
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

I haven't written, *really* written, in such a long time... So much had been going on in my life that it was difficult to know where to start... I've been over in this blog before how I feel about our foray into fame and fortune... And I covered my Mother's diagnosis of leukaemia... But this most recent blow is the hardest to deal with... I hesitate even typing it out, because that almost seems to make it more real... And I don't want it to be real...

Our drummer, my bandmate, my *brother* in all but blood - our laughing joking goofy Denny - is dying... It seems he's been dying a long time, we just didn't know it...

A little over a month ago, he starting having severe stomach pains and occasional bouts of nausea... When he collapsed backstage after a gig, we got an emergency appointment at the clinic... They did some tests, and set him up with an appointment for a gastroenterologist, for what they believed was an ulcer... He never made that appointment, because he had another attack at a gig, this time coughing up blood, in addition to the stomach pains and nausea... So we went to the ER... Many hours later, after some extensive tests, they were still unsure how to definatively diagnose him, but made him an appointment with the hospital's oncologist... When his diagnosis was in, it was nothing we'd expected... He has gastric cancer, which had already metastisised to his liver, and caused large ulcer-like lesions in his stomach... He's since undergone surgery to remove part of his liver...

The prognosis isn't good... He will also have to undergo surgery to remove parts of his stomach as well... And as his liver has been compromised, he runs a risk of liver failure... He will also have chemo or radio, or both... But all of these are palliative, they don't generally result in a cure... They only extend his time...

He comes home from the hospital today, though, and I should be happy about that... But I'm not... I know that sounds horrible, but it was hard enough to put on my happy face while visiting him... With him home, I can't afford to break down... I can't afford to cry...

Not that I always want to cry, either... Sometimes I want to scream, to shout at the top of my lungs... I want someone to blame... Not this damned impersonal disease, someone I can hit and bludgeon to pieces for stealing our Denny away... That's how it feels... Like he is being stolen away from us, a day at a time... And I feel helpless, because there is nothing I can do, or say... "It will be alright..." But it won't, will it...? I can't reassure him, because there isn't a happy ending... I can only pretend that a few months is enough time to say goodbye to a decade and a half of friendship, love, and brotherhood... I can only smile brittle smiles and say "I love you..." and ask him what he wants to do today... Because now every day is the only time he'll ever have to do it...

I want to make a great magic - like the ancient tales, not the feeble glimmerings and glamours of the magic I possess... I want to weave the torn threads of his life back together and bind it to him so strongly that he could never die... But I can't... I don't possess such magic... I doubt anyone ever did really... And it's no solace at all that I *know* he will still exist even after... I want him *here*... With us...

I don't know how to end this entry... There's so much to say, and no words to say them...

And you, my brother, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

I know - I promised to keep up with my blogging, and I didn't... But ever since we've started this little adventure, things have been so intense, I've only had time to cater to my basic needs, and a few obligations... You wouldn't *believe* how much I sleep these days...! Or the sleep of utter exhaustion it is... I barely even have time to think...

So, in spite of how it may disappoint some of you, I must report that I'm going to finish out my contract and let the Boys move on recording without me... There are multiple reasons for this, but mainly, I can't live like this... And the music is no longer fun when it becomes something I *have* to do... I won't abide that... But don't dispair...! I'm *not* leaving the Boys or the band, my role is just changing... I won't do lead female vox, I'll do background vocals, and I'll still be writing music with them... I just need a different schedule, before this one makes me ill...

In other news, my Mother got into a car accident... Don't be alarmed...! She's fine, but she broke her scapula and her femur (the femoral neck of that bone, actually) and a crack in her pelvis... She's had two surgeries, some physio-therapy, and is still in a wheelchair, but hopefully will soon progress to a walker... There was some mixed news that came along with this though... Her blood tests, taken when they were repairing all that damage, showed signs of leukaemia... That diaganosis has since been confirmed with a biopsy, but it's not quite as terrible as it might sound... Firstly, they caught it relatively early... Secondly, the type of leukaemia (chronic lymphocytic leukaemia) is a slow growing one... Mother is 68 years old, and so by the time this illness might require agressive treatment, she may have reached the end of her natural lifespan... I know that doesn't *sound* like a "good" thing, but she may avoid having to take chemo meds, and will not really suffer from the disease, except for being a little less active than she is now...

So I've had a good deal to stress over lately, but it hasn't been quite as bad as I might have had to suffer through... And in any case, I hope it partially explains why I've been so silent... I didn't mean to be (I never mean to be), there were just a lot of things going on...

I *have* enjoyed the recording experience, though... I'm glad I got to be a part of it, and it has been an exciting ride... But although I've devoted my life to music, I've learned I can't devote my life to working at music... And that was something I needed to learn, otherwise I always would have wondered... And I'll *still* have my name in the lead credits on one recording, so that's also a good thing... *smiles* But I think I'd far prefer short trips and quick afternoon recording sessions, to turning my life upside down and taking the enjoyment away from that which I love... And there are other things I want in life now besides a career, and this set up would never give me time to have it...

So here I am... A little more tired, a little wiser, and more clear than ever about what I want out of life... And who can say no to that...?

No, I haven't stopped blogging again...! I've just been away in Los Angeles... *smiles*

Why was I in Los Angeles, you ask...? (Well, you didn't - but let's just make the presumption shall we...? Otherwise I'll never get to my news...) The band and I were off recording in a studio - making music is now my full-time job! So it will be a lot of back and forth, to and from L.A. as we play, record, and process tracks for our first professional CD... After that, we'll tour a bit, promoting our music, coast to coast... No major cities, but plenty of neighbouring minor ones (i.e. not NYC, but Jersey City) ...

Our first bout of recording went well, and we were all very impressed by the facilities... This is a *professional* recording studio, so it's of a calibre and demeanour we've never actually encountered before... We all felt a bit awkward at first, and the boys felt really under-dressed in their street clothes, but no one seemed to pay it any mind... I get the impression they see all kinds around there...

Tomorrow we head back and work begins in earnest... Then we'll only be coming back to Portland on Friday, Saturday, Sunday... Monday - Thursday we'll be in L.A., at Angel's flat there... It's a total of 14-15 hours between cities (though only 5 - 6 to cross into Cali) so it's a hell of a commute, but worth it... People keep asking us, "Why come back at all...? Why not stay in L.A. til you're finished...?" Clearly these people have never been to L.A. - it's smelly, dirty, noisy, crowded, and the crime rate is appalling... We *need* to come home just to refresh our spirits and get a break from all that is rotten about Los Angeles...

If it weren't for the music, it wouldn't even be worth being there... But for music, our music, I'll suffer the consequences of that dismal place... My music is important to me, and being able to do this as a full time career is just a little bit like heaven... It complicates things I'd rather have uncomplicated, but the possibility of success could make all those things brighter than ever.... And if we don't do well, at least I know we tried... No might-have-beens... And that too will pave the path for a better future...

So though I'm in Portland now, I'll end this with "From Los Angeles, with Love..." as the blog will be updated erratically between recording sessions... Still - stick with me... I'll have a lot to say as things progress...