To The One Who Sets My World On Fire

Rooms on Fire

Stevie Nicks

Somewhere out in the back of your mind

Comes your real life and the life that you know

It seems like it was the creation of some of those same old things

It seemed to be the only thing left out in the light

She had trusted many

But been unfamiliar with

Almost everyone but you

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

I have known this much longer than I've known you

She had trusted many

And then there would be someone who would enter into her presence

That she could sense for miles

She dreamed of her wanton luxury

And she laughed and she cried and she tried to taunt him

And he hated to be separated

From that picture... No...

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Ooh, well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

Well I have known this much longer than I've known you

Long nets of white cloud my memory

Long nets of white cloud my memory

Ooh there is magic all around you

Everytime you walk in the room

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

Well I have known this much longer than I've known you

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

Well I have known this much longer than I've known you

Stop The World - I Want To Stay Right Here

This is how I feel about my Beloved sometimes... I feel like I want to find a way to make the night last longer, the afternoons linger, the mornings extend into infinity... Basically, any time I'm with him, I don't want it to end... Even when it's just his voice on the telephone, the moment seems all that matters... I am reminded of a scene in Star Trek Insurrection, where Anij of the Bak'u is talking to Picard about perfect moments in time, and everything seems to suddenly slow and stop, letting them linger in that moment endlessly... Sometimes I wish I could do that...

There never seems to be enough time for those perfect moments... You know them when you feel them, and just as surely, you know they have to end... And that lends to those moments a bittersweet quality that urges you to capture it in your memory - the tone of a voice, the sound of the rain on the roof, the taste on your lips, the emotions that are surging through you... And yet, while you're doing this, trying so hard to preserve that moment - you can't share it with the one who caused it... There aren't words... It is so unifying and intimate, and yet it is separate too... A crystalline thought that shines out only through your eyes because it can't emerge from your lips...

But I wish I could make a scrapbook of those moments I could place into his hands... It would be full of sweet smiles pressed between pages of laughter... Shimmering tears of joy, hilarity, sorrow, and grief would affix the amorphous shapes of emotions to leaves made from slices of my soul... Sun bright golden clouds of bliss, pale green swirls of comfort, and burgundy tempests of passion... It would be a book like no other, and one whose creation could not have been accomplished without his influence in my life... If I could present him with such a book, perhaps he could finally see what I see - himself through my eyes... Not perfect, but perfectly imperfect...

I can't stop the world from spinning... I can't make those perfect moments linger in timelessness eternally... I can only store them - precious treasures all - close inside my heart, woven into the tapestry of my being... And share them through the lovelight he brings into my eyes...

21 of 43 Things

Back on the 23rd, Heather posted about having a life list... It inspired me to create one of my own, and though I haven't yet added 43 things to my list, I have reached the halfway mark with 21... And since this is a list to build on, to grow from, and create one's own reality with, I think half a list is a good start... As Heather noted in her blog, these aren't resolutions - they are what I want to see and create in my own life... These are the things that are important to me... If you want to try this too, go to 43 Things and begin your own list...

My Life List

1. take the next step in my relationship with my Beloved

2. learn to let go of the things that hurt and embrace fully the things that bring joy

3. devote myself to more of my solo music projects

4. be a better writer - both blogging and my private journalling

5. take a long distance cycling trip

6. go home to Romania one last time

7. be a better foster mom

8. have a child of my own

9. get together a 10 year financial plan

10. learn to live like today is the only day we have

11. weave more enchantments for *myself*

12. run a marathon for charity

13. record a solo album (even if I don't sell a single copy)

14. laugh at least once a day

15. teach my Beloved to dance (even if it's only slow dances)

16. learn more Mexican Spanish

17. get a kanji tattoo

18. complete my thesis and get my masters

19. hone my archery skills

20. go back to Japan - with my Beloved this time

21. Work on the band's dynamic

I'll add more to this as time goes by, but these are the first goals... Wish me luck...

Season's Greetings

In spite of my absences from this blog, my friends here are never far from my thoughts... So whether you've given up on reading me (because my updates have been so damned infrequent) or you still linger to hear whatever I might say when I happen to wander by... You're all in my thoughts this holiday...

I wish you Happiness, the freedom to pursue it and the success of achieving it... I wish you Joy, the simple pleasures and the complex ecstacy... I wish you Peace, in your lives and in the world around you... I wish you Fulfillment, of your dreams and in your soul... But most of all, I wish you Love - love of family, love of friends, love with your lovers, and the love of strangers, too... Of all the gifts I could offer, these wishes for you are the best I know...

May you never know sadness, and if you must, may it quickly pass... May you always have Magic, because life is nothing without enchantment... and may you and yours have a *very* happy holiday season...

My love to you all...
Angelia Rian

For My Beloved...

Because I can ever tell him this enough....

India.Arie - The Truth
Uploaded by foxysoul

I love you... With all of me...

Til The Sun Rises Again...

Make a Smilebox greeting

My friend, bandmate, and brother, Denver Patrick O'Reilly passed away on Friday at 11:42pm... His funeral is in 40 minutes, and I'm still not ready to say goodbye... Perhaps I never will be... His passing has left a broken, empty space in my heart... And part of the music has died...

But there is still my Beloved, who held me upright this morning, and who will again tonight... And though he never got to know Denny well, I think he grieves his passing too... For what might have been, and now never can be... And for the pain he feels when my heart feels it...

The Smilebox (ironic name) above is for Denny... And the song below for my Beloved... The song fits what he speaks to me, the words he speaks that comfort me...

Breath In Breath Out by Mat Kearney

Breath in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
If everybody bleeds this way - just the same
Breath in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away - I will stay

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
And I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Hold on, hold tight
From out of your sight
And everything keeps moving on, moving on
Hold on, hold tight
Make it throught another night
And everyday there comes the sun - with the dawn

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out

Look left, look right - to the moon and the night
Everything under the stars is in your arms
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

My Blog = Me!

Heather wrote a rather thought-provoking entry today... And I related to it well... It brought to mind my own thoughts about blogging and why I blog...

She mentioned that her blogging started because of the deeply emotional things in her life she had going on... I relate to that - I started blogging over heartbreak and guilt myself... She mentioned she became a comment-whore for awhile... I had that phase too... And she mentions her blogging tapering off because she is happier in life now... Which I have so obviously done...

I have come to the realisation that pain brings out the words for me... I write because I am so choked up I can't even speak... And I can't suffer in silence - I'd go mad... And while that's all fine and good (catharsis is a *good* thing!) it's not what I want my writing to be... And as Denny mentioned to me, it's not the place I want to lock my creativity in... He felt that if I isolated my writing to when I was in an emotional dark place, that eventually, that would be the only time I *could* write... And that it shouldn't be about who might be reading... If when I'm happy, I just want to write brief blog entries of mushy happy crap - I *should*. For *me*.

And he's right... Too long I've neglected to write in my blog, for two reasons:

I've been, while not deleriously happy, happy enough that nothing was troubling me enough to turn into a blog entry... And I felt like that wouldn't interest anyone to read...

But my blogging shouldn't be about other people... It should be about me... Whatever matters to me at the moment, whether that's despair or giddy joy... If I want to blog an entire entry on how captivating I find my Beloved's eyes - I should *do* it... (He might have a different opinion on that, but while he's a bit embarassed and self conscious about my praises, I'm pretty sure part of him also enjoys it *smiles*) I should always feel free to blog about whatever I want, regardless of who might be reading... The readership was always a secondary thing anyway... I started blogging just to set my words lose in the world, to let it out so I wouldn't have to keep it inside... That my words found hearts and minds that gave a damn what I thought was just a bonus...

So I'm turning a page here... I will always be mindful that there are those out there reading my words (and I love some of you very much) but from now on, I'm not going to hold myself to the task of always being entertaining, interesting, or thought provoking... I'm just going to write... If you don't like the day's entry, feel free to skip it... I won't hold it against you... And I *will* eventually write something that isn't the literary equivalent of fluff... I'm not a fluffy bunny person, after all... I have my deep thoughts as you know, and I'll still express them... I won't be writing *every* day, but I will be writing several days a week... Even if it's just "Greetings...! I'm still hanging in there, how about you...?"

It's going to be about me again... And that's really what you loved reading about anyway, isn't it...?