A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

It's not that I've been so busy (though I have been), it's just that lately I come home so exhausted I have no ambition to blog and my thoughts are so scattered I'd ramble like a madwoman anyway... So here I am, blogging from work, because that the only time I'm awake enough to even think...

First things first: I opened my last post to questions about me, and I've gotten quite a few (which have been sitting in my mailbox until I had time to post this), so here are two (and more will follow in upcoming posts) -

Charley asks: "Who are you? I've searched and admit to being overcome and I yield! So my question is, who are you?"

Wow... Start off with the hardest ones first, why don't we...? Who am I - a complex question... It's something I struggle with every day, actually... Especially since I am never really the same from day to day... But there are things about me that remain constant in spite of my variable nature... I generally like to use metaphors for these aspects of my nature, which most of you have heard me use before, but here's you chance to see the metaphors for what they mean to me:

I am an Angel - in this I mean I have a gentle and loving nature to those I care for, I am protective of those people, and have an endless ability to forgive them any transgression... My faith in those I care for can be unlimited, and at times I can end up believing in them more than they do in themselves...

I am a Demon - As gentle and loving as I can be, I have some serious flaws... I am prideful, arrogant, selfish, and to those outside my charmed circle I can also be *terribly* cruel... (Sadly, there have also been moments in my life I have been cruel to those inside that circle - and I have always lived to regret it bitterly...)

I am Faery and Witch - Perhaps it's growing up in a culture with such rich superstition, or perhaps it's just my nature, but I have that nature that can best be described as "fae"... Not only have I experienced certain aspects of the supernatural on an involuntary basis (such as seeing spirits, feeling what others feel, dreaming dreams that come to pass, etc.) but I am a regular practitioner of what some have termed "magic" or "witchcraft"... This is not a religious-based thing as some who call themselves witches these days practice, but a folklore/cultural thing... I have a thousand potions and elixirs for good and ill health, a hundred charms for good luck and bad, and many different types of mental disciplines that are very efficient at changing the nature of the world around me... Even if only to my perceptions - and that's really what magic is, anyway - the ability to shape one's world in whatever fashion one can dream...

I am a Princess - Above and beyond the literal sense of the term, I strive to have a nobility of spirit, a sense of justice and fairness, and a deep caring for those I consider "my people"... Qualities that perhaps few of my more notable ancestors possessed, but nevertheless qualities I think they would be proud of my having... Though I have some of the "traditional" shortcomings of the "blood royal" as well - I can be elitist, self centred, and much concerned with material things and image...

But mostly, who I am is Angelia - a mix of the best and the worst a person can be, given to extremes of mood and temperment, but always trying to be better than I am... I am every sweet woman one could want me to be, and every wicked bitch you fear... And I am both all at once... I can't be any one thing, as some other women can... And I can't be satisfied with the hum-drum, mundane world that seems to be enough for others... For me, I must bring a little magic, a little of the extraordinary, into the world around me... Perhaps that's because of the extraordinary life I've led so far, but I'd like to think it's more because I've seen what life *can be*, if only you reach for it...

Well *that* was a long answer, wasn't it? *smiles* Next question, which promises to be no less long -

Brandy asks: "Okay so you definitely seem "happy" now so who do tell is the beloved??? You must answer it you said you would, lol. Love ya!"

I *did* promise to answer... But I didn't promise to give you his name... *winks* But I will give you enough about him that you can know what he has done for me, emotionally, spiritually, and every other way...

A few of the basics: He's only a couple of years older than myself, intelligent to an extreme, witty, charming, funny, and *incredibly* handsome (think tall, dark, and handsome) ... He's also one of the kindest, understanding, most empathic men I've ever met... And he doesn't believe any of that about himself... *soft smile* In fact, I think he gets a bit abashed and embarassed when I say so... He thinks of himself as pretty much the average joe, "nothing much special"... He says I'm the special one - but I know better... *smiles*

What he has done for me: He came into my life at a time that I was feeling pretty much worthless... He shared some of his own experiences in that regard with me, and told me that I *was* worth something... To him... At first we were "just friends", mutually sharing our sorrows... And somewhere in there, we found that compassion for each other had turned into a deep interest in each other... He cared about what I thought, how I felt, especially about myself...

He never lets me talk down about myself (except in a truly joking sense) ... And he looks out for me... When I am apt to do something foolish, or push myself beyond my limits, he gently tells me what he thinks and almost always convinces me to try another way... Though sometimes I am still stubborn, and must learn the hard way - and when that happens, he is there to listen and never says "I told you so" (except with humour) ... Sometimes I think my more adventurous side causes him a little worry... When I take my long walks through the night alone, it makes him uneasy... And though I know he thinks he doesn't think he has the right to give his input on what I choose to do, I value his opinions... And that he wants to keep me safe, means more to me than he'll ever really know...

And he's brought laughter back into my life... He has the most wonderful sense of humour, though sometimes it's irreverent... I love that about him... Let me repeat that - I *love* that about him... Even when things in his life have him down, he never forgets to take the time to laugh... And he shares that gift with me... Sometimes I take things far too seriously, and get obsessed with problems - he's shown me that nothing is so serious that I can't relax and laugh with him... He's thoughtful, too... In little ways, every day... And he never forgets to remind me how he loves me... (As if I could ever forget!) I'm not used to a man being so open with how he feels, but it's wonderful...

And he spends long hours with me... Even when I want to ramble on about silly things, he's happy just being with me - even if sometimes he thinks I need my head examined... *grin* He'll stay with me until I fall asleep, he's the first thing when I wake, and he'll even let me "annoy" him at work... *smiles*

In short, he's brought light back into my life, helped me believe in myself again, and is a true *partner*, rather than someone I worship or fear... And that's really why I'm so happy... Because he is that partner... Because he is a *friend* while being a lover... And because there really is a future there...

And I'm going to end the questions there for now, (Don't kill me!) but I promise to get to the others in more timely fashion than I have been in lately... Since this summer, I've just gotten off track with a lot of things... Part of it is I've been so busy, but really, mostly it's been because I've been a little burned out with the writing... It's hard to do coherently when I'm tired, but I'm trying... And in the meantime, go ahead and send me more questions if you want... Just zap them in an e-mail to angeliarian@gmail.com ... I won't post tomorrow, but look on Wednesday for a little post about what I've been up to... Until then people...! *blows kisses*