A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

I don't write much about my family, and for good reasons - most of which I can't and won't get into here... But after an unexpected visit from one sister this week, another sister has been much on my mind...

For those of you who don't know, I had a twin sister once... She died when we were younger, but she is still ever with me... I don't suppose a non-twin can ever understand quite what I mean by that, however, so I'll try to explain... She and I were extensions of the same person... I know that sounds bizarre and weird, but it's true... In spite of being *very* individual people (we couldn't have been more different in our motives and desires) we were never quite complete without each other... And we always knew how the other felt, without words, without even seeing each other... I *felt* her anger or joy or sadness, and she always felt mine...

In spite of that bond, we were never friends, never close... We rivaled each other for everything, no matter how small a thing it was... And we resented not being treated as individuals by others, even though we ourselves knew we would never be completely separate... We were both so very willful and spiteful to each other because of this... There were very few times in our lives that we worked with each other rather than against - but the few times we did, we got the better of everyone around us... If we could have made peace with each other, we might have been an unstoppable team...

All of the above was just to point out the nature of our relationship, really... So you can understand it when I say that I hated her with a passion that burned... And the greatest of that burning was that no matter how I hated her, I *needed* her desperately... And part of that need was a love for her I held for no one and nothing else... Which in turn made me hate her more, that I loved her and she hurt me so...

But when she died, I *felt* that too... And it felt like someone had torn me apart... I felt her absence like a knife in my heart - but at the same time, I felt something I couldn't share with anyone else, because they would not have understood or believed me... There were days, for no reason at all, I would feel her in the room with me... And whatever happened to be going on, I felt what she felt about it... Mind you, I never saw her "ghost" or spirit or whatever you want to call it... (With one odd exception) It was just the same *feeling* we'd shared all along... I still feel her now and then, which my therapist calls "wish fulfillment" - he means I feel her because I want to, not because she's "there"... I don't agree with his assessment, but he's not a twin and can't possibly understand... No one could who hasn't felt it...

The upshot of all this however, is that I've been feeling her all week... And so she's been on my mind... And all over again I feel that resentment and anger toward her... And that need of her... And a fear I never knew when she was alive... Because deep down, I wonder if she hates me more now, for having a life she doesn't... Maybe that sounds stupid to you, that I'm afraid of my dead sister, but it is what it is... But as much as it frightens me now to feel her presence, her emotions - I feel less alone... Even when I feel her anger...

It's kind of ironic that even now I'm torn in how I feel for her... And that I am still incomplete without her... I look in the mirror, but I have no reflection... The only thing that reflects back to me is her face... And in spite of the incredibly complex feelings I have for her, she's a part of me... And always will be...