Eight Little Confessions


I stole this from Heather, who stole it from Rhiannon... Bunch of shameless theives we are... *grin*

List eight things you want to say to eight people you know, but never will for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once. (Some of these people are IRL people, and some are "online" people...)

1. With each day that dawns, everything seems as if it were brand-new because you're in my life... Waking up to you is a miracle, falling asleep with you is a dream in itself... When you say you love me, my heart skips a beat and I can't keep the silly smile off my face... These may seem like little things, but they are *immense* to me... It's *simple*, and warm, and true... And I can love you without holding back, because you really love me just as I am... Even when I'm a fool... You love me, and I'm nothing much special... I cherish each day, where we're going, what we're becoming... Even if it's premature, I just want to say this: My future is yours, if you want it... Grow old with me...

2. You inspire me... You've been through so much in your short life, and yet you've managed to overcome the things that held you back, and found the will to go on even when you felt like giving up... You've been betrayed time and again by people who were supposed to love you, and you haven't let it make you bitter or untrusting - quite the opposite... You give so much love and open your heart like you've never been hurt at all... You've learned to dance to the song inside you and are leaving behind the sadness of the past... Thank you for sharing your hope with me... You are a bright light in life, and a guiding star...

3. I spent so much time trying to be everything you wanted... So much that I lost who I was in that trying... And for what...? In the end, it wasn't me you cared about... But I did learn from that, and from you... I'll never again try to be someone I'm not just to make someone else happy... Now I'm content to be Plain Jane, who doesn't need glitter to make someone love me... I think I'd rather be ordinary and loved truely, than dazzling and loved only for the shimmer... A hard lesson to learn, but one worth learning...

4. I miss you... I miss our talks... I miss how you listened to me and were always interested in what I thought, even if I went off the deep end... Sometimes I wonder if you really knew how much it meant to me, how much of my heart you had for your very own... You were my best friend, and the only one who put up with all my worst just so you could share the best... And all you ever asked for was my company, that I didn't leave you alone like so many did... The suffering you endured broke my heart more often than you'll ever know... I hope there is peace for you now, because you deserve it more than anyone I've ever known... I wish I could have been there to say goodbye... But when we meet finally meet again, we'll take that walk we never could... I love you...

5. Sometimes you piss me off more than anyone else... I could strangle you every time you flash that incredibly smug self-satisfied smile... And yet, I can't... I understand you too well to hold it against you and love you too much to actually kill you... Though we've had some amazing fights, haven't we...? You're still the only person who can fight me to a standstill... It's kind of ironic that we express our love in terms of knock-down drag-out fights... Oddly enough, I think in our case it's actually the healthiest thing we could do... To hold it in might actually make us hate each other... But I wonder sometimes if we'll ever forgive each other our trespasses against each other... And if we'll ever actually put the past behind us...

6. (I'm cheating here, 3-in-1) You three are insane, but you know what...? You save my sanity... I become frustrated so easily with the set-backs I encounter, but you always manage to do something so incredibly stupid/crazy/over-the-top that I have to refocus to save you from yourselves... And while some people might think that's a burdensome thing, for me, it's your saving grace... If I'm busy looking after you, I'm too busy to freak out over what usually turns out to be a minor issue... You might be thirtysomething teenagers, but you keep me on my toes and have taught me that life is too short to "sweat the small stuff"... Thank you for making my life the crazy mixed up place it is - if it were any saner, I think I'd go crazy...

7. I feel a little guilty about you... You lifted my spirits when I was at such a low place in my life, and when I finally found my direction, we sort of drifted apart... I don't want you to think I just used you just get out of my doldrums, but I also don't know how to tell you that... You always treated it so casually, maybe I'm the only one who thinks I have something to feel guilty about... I still consider you a friend, and someone I think I could share anything with - but maybe it wasn't like that for you... Maybe for you I really was the casual friend you always made it out to be... I'll probably never say anything about this, either, even if we start talking regularly again, just because I hate screwing up good friendships by expecting too much...

8. I still see you in the mirror all the time... You'd think by now I'd learn how to exist without you as my shadow, but I haven't... And yet, I hardly ever talk about you... Most days, it's easier to forget you than to remember and feel that vast incompleteness I've felt since you've been gone... And the guilt is still there... While you were here, I used to wish every day that you'd disappear, that I could be my own person without having an echo... It almost feels like it was my fault, even though I know that's not true... We spent so much time hating each other - do you hate me still...? Sometimes I imagine you watching from afar, full of jealous anger at all I have that could have been yours... But I don't hate you anymore... I just miss you... And love you... And always will...
4 Responses
  1. Chris Says:

    Wow, I bet this has a lot of people wondering, LOL, Is she talking about me? What a great way to fuel paranoia on the internet, (kidding).

    I wonder when we have feelings the strong, do the other parties know it? I kind of think they have to.


    Chris
    My Blog


  2. Angelia Rian Says:

    *laughs* Oh I'm sure some people have read this and recognised themselves... In fact, I know at least one has... *smiles*

    I sometimes wonder the same thing actually... I would like to think that those I feel for can sense it, even if they don't know exactly how deep it runs...


  3. Heather Says:

    Don't you feel so much better, though? I mean, really..When I did this, I truly felt so much better, about my relationships, about myself, and about the people I wrote those things to. It really does knock you back into "reality" so to speak. I loved it.

    And I'm loving the Billy Joel on here! I have him on my page too :)


  4. Angelia Rian Says:

    I really did feel better... And that surprised me a little, because I didn't think I could get that much catharsis from just *saying* it (rather than saying it *to* those people)... And you were on this list you know... ;)

    I *love* Billy...! My ex used to make fun of me for it (not sure if he thought it was cute or if he couldn't stand Billy)... I think he's awesome... :)