A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

Goodbye is a hard word to say... Perhaps for me it's the most difficult word I know... And whenever possible, I will try any compromise I can find to avoid saying it... Such is the compromise I found with the boys and our band... For a little while, I thought perhaps I'd have to leave them to learn how to make it on my own, to learn a trade that will see me through the years... The thought devastated me really... Practicality said I can't sing for my supper forever, but my heart and soul knows and wants nothing else... And they had dreams I couldn't share and still pursue my own life - touring among them... It seemed we were coming to a crossroads where our paths were destined to part ways... I agonised over it awhile, and pulled away from the boys, my brothers, trying to spare myself the pain of a possible goodbye... They, in turn, felt alienated by my silence, thinking I wanted to leave... Perhaps it would have stayed that way if my Beloved hadn't urged me to talk to them... But he did, and I did, and we realised we were not ready to be parted yet...

Now, over the years, many people have had much commentary to say about our co-dependent lives... Especially those closest to us... The usual question is some variant of: "Aren't you guys tired of 'playing house' with each other yet...? When are you all going to start living on your own...?" I think that's a bit unfair... Co-dependent we may be, but we don't live so closely because we're afraid to be alone or grow up... We're so closely entwined because we are *family*... We love each other, need each other, can't imagine life without each other... Maybe some people think that sort of bond is only for couples... Maybe they can't reconcile the image of three guys and a gal in a platonic relationship needing each other so much... I don't know... I only know that I always pictured the future with them in it - raising each others children, massive "family" vacations, and three long grey haired "boys" and a white haired old lady reminiscing about our glory days on a porch somewhere with our equally elderly spouses...

But in spite of that wishful future, I would never hold them back for all the world... And so we came to an even compromise... I'd stay with the band, with a slightly less intense schedule, but I wouldn't tour... They would find prima vox to replace me (a fancy latin way to say female lead vocal) while touring, but it would be someone we all agreed on... And I breathed a sigh of relief, because I was so *not* ready to give up my music or the band and the family we've created... In truth, despite my need to nurture other skills, I'd rather cut off my right arm than surrender that... Music is the voice of my soul, and music made with my boys is the voice of my heart... And it could never be the same with anyone else... The synergy that exists between the four of us is more than a working relationship, it is a communion of like spirits...

Last night, while the boys helped me babysit a friend's twin baby girls, we sang them to sleep... And after the girls had settled into their bassinet, Angel whispered, "This is how it's always gonna be, sweetheart... Someday, we'll all be singing your own daughters to sleep... No matter where life takes us all, say we'll never say goodbye, alright...?"

I promise, my boys... No matter where life takes us, or what lives we make for ourselves - we'll never say goodbye... But maybe Bon Jovi said it best - our favourite song of Jon's to cover: "Never say goodbye, never say goodbye... You and me and my old friends... Hoping it would never end... Never say goodbye, never say goodbye... Holdin' on - we gotta try... Holdin' on to never say goodbye..."