Inspired...


Well, Heather tagged me for something earlier, but I hope she'll forgive me if I come back to it later - because she inspired me with her latest post to write something else instead... She was taking stock of life and thinking about what she wants out of it... And I realised it's been a very long time since I did that... Since I *really* thought about what I want...

So what do I want...?

I want a lifetime partner and friend to share my life with... I want someone who loves me without condition, the brightest and blackest of me... I want to have a child of my own, and foster others... I want a homelife - a house (with or without the white picket fence), a puppy, kids, family chaos and family peace... I want a place where I really belong, a place of my own... I want to grow old with that partner, proud of what we've accomplished together and what we've created...

I want to share what I've learned with others... I want to teach music... I want to teach art... I want to teach life, as I've experienced it... I want to set that fire in others as it was set in me...

I want to see the parts of the world I haven't gotten to see yet, and re-visit the ones I have with someone who loves me... I want to live among cultures both different and amazing... I want to take my boat, "Alexa" sailing all the way to Fiji... I want to scuba dive The Great Barrier Reef... I want to find the one place that makes me feel very small, and embrace that moment, where there is something so much more immense than myself that I can't just laugh, or cry, but have to do both...

I want to make love, because I really haven't (except in my heart and mind)... I want to know what it's like to have that perfect joining with another being, where words are not needed and there is no seperation... I want to learn to breathe another's breath and time my heartbeat to theirs... I want to share a loving where physicality is only one small part of the whole, where that comes together with emotion and consonance of mind to form a completeness of soul that is never grasped any other way...

I want to spend a summer in Louisiana, writing a novel in a lovely house covered in Queen's Wreath vine and beautifully wrought iron... I want to spend long weekends on a sunporch spinning on my wheel and weaving tapestries on my loom... I want to hike up into the hills at night with a telescope to see the stars... I want to cycle on a road until I have to stop and collapse in the grass beside the path...

I want to learn more about why I do the things I do, and why I believe what I do... I want to become a better person, not only for me, but for everyone who shares my life... I want to be a person that is an asset and a blessing to those whose lives I touch... I want to be worthy of all the things those who love me most believe me to be... I want to make someone proud of me... I want to learn to be proud of *myself*... I want to look in the mirror and recognise that girl looking back at me, and more, be happy with what I see in her eyes...

I want to learn to embrace joy and not fear being happy... I want to surrender the fear of loss I've lived with for so long... I want to trust others, and trust myself... I want to take back the strength I set aside and become a valkyrie again... I want to learn to balance my temper and frustration to a reasonable level... I want to seek forgiveness for my past sins, and do my best to live a life with as little wickedness as possible...

There is more, of course... There's always more, when it comes to me... I'm the girl who wants everything *and* "happily ever after" too... But for now, these are the things at the forefront of the many things I desire, and I tried to be as candid as I could... But for all these things I desire and wish for, it's all summed up in one thing really:

I want to be happy... Truely happy... Happy with my life, the people in it, how I live it, and what I accomplish with the gift that it is... I want happiness... But I think that's something perhaps we all desire, and are too afraid to grab... Well, I'm not afraid anymore... And I've finally accepted the one fact I never could before... "Anyone can give you sorrow, but only you, yourself, can give you joy..." By choosing to seek my happiness, it becomes possible - and if that is possible, then all of these things are...
7 Responses
  1. Ken Says:

    Would you care for fries with all that? Heh..

    "Of course life is bizarre, the more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. The only way to approach it is to make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show." -- Anonymous


  2. Angelia Rian Says:

    *smiles* I'll pass on the fries...
    And I love that quote... *grins*


  3. Axe Says:

    Noble sentiments, hon!!
    I share a lot of them, and I've also achieved a lot of them, but I'm still floating in the oblivion of the rest!!

    Beautiful work, as usual!


  4. Chris Says:

    You list left me feeling like I am not ambitious enough or have a high enough achievement drive, ha ha.

    Chris
    My Most Recent Entry 2/04/06


  5. Angelia Rian Says:

    Axe - We've just got to keep working on it, sister... No matter what might try to get in the way... *smiles*

    Chris - You have enough ambition for three grown men, never think you don't... I've seen it... And every time I do, I'm amazed... You impress me, my friend... I only wish I could be more like you...


  6. Well, let's see ...

    The "blackest" of me, is rarely seen by even me, and is more of a medium-gray at it's dimmest.

    I'd never imagine setting myself as fish-food at the Great Barrier Reef, but I'll watch you get eaten from the safety of our boat, and scream "someone help her", like a terrified little girl.

    I've pretty-much always been excessively proud of myself, so I've come up with a plan to adopt a, Joe Pesci ~ With Honors, physical appearance, to see if I can distill some of that aspect in myself ... I'm practically there, but, so far it hasn't worked. -- I still recognize me under all of the hair.

    I fear very little, and trust myself implicitly. My (bad) temper has dissipated with age, and it takes a tremendous amount to invoke it. Frustration, is almost a foreign concept to me.

    Other than that, my dear, I've done and/or seek to do the same things as you. We're two of a kind, Angelia. Let's fall in love, get married, and make those babies, baby. [:D]

    ~Adore you, Brian <33

    http://thelovetrain.blogspot.com/

    http://thelovetrainpersonally.blogspot.com/


  7. Angelia Rian Says:

    Brian - *laughs softly* As much as I adore you, my friend, my heart is already spoken for... But I *am* flattered... ;)