A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

Well, Heather tagged me for something earlier, but I hope she'll forgive me if I come back to it later - because she inspired me with her latest post to write something else instead... She was taking stock of life and thinking about what she wants out of it... And I realised it's been a very long time since I did that... Since I *really* thought about what I want...

So what do I want...?

I want a lifetime partner and friend to share my life with... I want someone who loves me without condition, the brightest and blackest of me... I want to have a child of my own, and foster others... I want a homelife - a house (with or without the white picket fence), a puppy, kids, family chaos and family peace... I want a place where I really belong, a place of my own... I want to grow old with that partner, proud of what we've accomplished together and what we've created...

I want to share what I've learned with others... I want to teach music... I want to teach art... I want to teach life, as I've experienced it... I want to set that fire in others as it was set in me...

I want to see the parts of the world I haven't gotten to see yet, and re-visit the ones I have with someone who loves me... I want to live among cultures both different and amazing... I want to take my boat, "Alexa" sailing all the way to Fiji... I want to scuba dive The Great Barrier Reef... I want to find the one place that makes me feel very small, and embrace that moment, where there is something so much more immense than myself that I can't just laugh, or cry, but have to do both...

I want to make love, because I really haven't (except in my heart and mind)... I want to know what it's like to have that perfect joining with another being, where words are not needed and there is no seperation... I want to learn to breathe another's breath and time my heartbeat to theirs... I want to share a loving where physicality is only one small part of the whole, where that comes together with emotion and consonance of mind to form a completeness of soul that is never grasped any other way...

I want to spend a summer in Louisiana, writing a novel in a lovely house covered in Queen's Wreath vine and beautifully wrought iron... I want to spend long weekends on a sunporch spinning on my wheel and weaving tapestries on my loom... I want to hike up into the hills at night with a telescope to see the stars... I want to cycle on a road until I have to stop and collapse in the grass beside the path...

I want to learn more about why I do the things I do, and why I believe what I do... I want to become a better person, not only for me, but for everyone who shares my life... I want to be a person that is an asset and a blessing to those whose lives I touch... I want to be worthy of all the things those who love me most believe me to be... I want to make someone proud of me... I want to learn to be proud of *myself*... I want to look in the mirror and recognise that girl looking back at me, and more, be happy with what I see in her eyes...

I want to learn to embrace joy and not fear being happy... I want to surrender the fear of loss I've lived with for so long... I want to trust others, and trust myself... I want to take back the strength I set aside and become a valkyrie again... I want to learn to balance my temper and frustration to a reasonable level... I want to seek forgiveness for my past sins, and do my best to live a life with as little wickedness as possible...

There is more, of course... There's always more, when it comes to me... I'm the girl who wants everything *and* "happily ever after" too... But for now, these are the things at the forefront of the many things I desire, and I tried to be as candid as I could... But for all these things I desire and wish for, it's all summed up in one thing really:

I want to be happy... Truely happy... Happy with my life, the people in it, how I live it, and what I accomplish with the gift that it is... I want happiness... But I think that's something perhaps we all desire, and are too afraid to grab... Well, I'm not afraid anymore... And I've finally accepted the one fact I never could before... "Anyone can give you sorrow, but only you, yourself, can give you joy..." By choosing to seek my happiness, it becomes possible - and if that is possible, then all of these things are...