A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon

The Saturday Six - Episode 297

2009-12-20T07:06:00.000-08:00

1. Have the Christmas trees you or your closest relatives have put up more often been real or artificial?

Real, for most of my life anyway... The only time *I* have ever put up an artificial tree was when I found that *lovely* 2 foot fibre-optic tree - and even then, that was in addition to the larger natural tree... (I couldn't help it, honest... the fibre-optic trees with their scintillating colours just astound me...)

2. How do you prefer Christmas decorations on a tree to look: more uniform within a certain color scheme or design or with a lot of variance?

I've done both... I've done themed trees with peach and ivory gauze ribbons, venetian blown glass peaches and milky opalescent orbs for ornaments, with orange and white lights... I've done the traditional tree with any and every ornament that takes our fancy... I can't say which I prefer... There's an element of fun getting specific things for a themed tree, but it's just as exciting to open up boxes full of old holiday decorations and finding dear old treasures you cherish...

3. Christmas ornaments as a Christmas gift: good idea or bad?

My personal take on this is - Bad... You never do know what a person's tastes run to in ornaments, and there's nothing worst than giving a gift that is regulated to the bottom of the box unless you (the gift-giver) visit for the holidays... The second reason I think it is bad, is that quite often, these ornaments are *not* personal... The giver has several dozen of them made up and passes them out like after dinner mints... Maybe this is a good gift for your boss or co-workers to whom you aren't close, but for anyone you call friend - well this just says, "I couldn't be bothered this year to think of anything *you* would like, so here, have a default present..."

4. Take the quiz: The Christmas Tree Test

You Are Warmly Compassionate

During the holidays, you take time out for yourself and the people that you love the most.

You try not to get caught up in the hustle and bustle. You prefer to stay inside your warm home as much as possible.

You believe that the holidays are all about the little things. Being and reconnecting with those closest to you.

People are important to you, not gifts. Love is the best gift in the world.

The Christmas Tree Test

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

5. What’s the most unusual Christmas tree you remember from your childhood?

Our "cactus tree" in Arizona... Lacking any naturally growing fir trees, and the trees in the lots which looked half dead, we decorated a large potted cactus... We strung lights on it (carefully!) and hung small ornaments from the needles... In the end, it looked quite festive, if a little odd...

6. What’s your worst Christmas tree experience?

About 5 years ago, when we bought a tree, brought it home, got it decorated, and then it snapped in half - it had had wood rot at the core... Thankfully, we were able to get a replacement tree, but the ornaments that broke in the fall were lost forever...

The Sunday Seven - Episode 215

2009-12-13T19:50:00.000-08:00

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
Name your picks for the seven most-awkward moments of the year.

(In no particular order)

1. Nov. 2009 - Tiger Woods & Mistresses (Yes, plural!)

If that's not awkward, I don't know what is... The shame and embarassment he's feeling now is totally deserved, but it's still quite awkward to have revealed that you are not only having an affair, but with *multiple* mistresses... Speculation has the count at anywhere from 3 to 13 mistresses now - I imagine the actual number is probably somewhere between that... On the other hand, his wife seems to be no prize either if current rumours are true - it has been reported she may stay with him, regardless of this scandal... Not only is this completely stupid, given his track record, but she has apparently maneuvered a renegotiation of her prenup with Tiger... What!? It's called *pre*nuptual for a reason - as in, the agreement is fixed *before* the marriage is made... She might have been entitled to compensation when she was the one wronged, but now it seems she's decided to angle in the adultery pond for more cash in return for her "support" of him now... Maybe these two really do deserve each other...

2. March 2009 - Madonna, Malawi, & the Chanel Sweatsuit

Madonna visited the African country of Malawi to adopt a child... Now, Malawi is among the poorest countries in the world, it has a low life expectancy and high infant mortality.... And it's estimated that 1 million children have been orphaned there - due either to extreme poverty or the AIDS epidemic that's sweeping through 14% of their population - so I applaud her in wanting to adopt and save a child from that terrible life... BUT! In what *had* to be the most awkward display of thoughtless wealth, Madonna landed in the country in a Gulfstream V, wearing a Chanel tracksuit that retails at the New York store for about $2,800... Yes, I *know* she has a lot of money... Yes, she should be able to enjoy it as she pleases... But I found it rather gauche and insensitive of her to show up to one of the most impoverished nations on the planet in such attire... Just as you don't show up to a black tie affair in jeans and a t-shirt, you probably shouldn't show up in a dirt poor African village wearing an outfit that costs more than some people's mortgage payments... The money she spent on that outfit could have fed several Malawi children for months - so combining the purpose of her visit and her wardrobe choice = big awkwardness...!

3. February 2009 - Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman

There is so much I could say about this... All of it horrifying... I'll let the clip speak for itself...
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4. October 2009 - The David Letterman Affairs

And speaking of Dave and awkward moments - it must have been an awkward morning when he woke up and realised he'd have to choose between being blackmailed or publicly humiliated.... But in Dave's defense, he manned up, admitted the affairs, and publicly (and contritely) apologised to his wife... As for Robert Joel Halderman, jealous beau and blackmailer of Letterman - well I imagine he's having a few awkward moments of his own at moment...

5. October 2009 - Falcon "Balloon Boy" Heene on Larry King

I have so much sympathy for this child, whose awkward moment was forced upon him by parents who were more interested in pursuing fame and fortune than teaching their child how to live an ethical life... When Wolf Blitzer and the boy's father ask him why he hid, it's a pitiful sight to watch: he squirms uncomfortably in his seat, and pauses several times as he says, "Um... you guys said... that um... we did this for the show..." His eyes are looking everywhere but at the camera or his parents... He knows somehow he did something wrong, but he's not sure what he's supposed to say... His inadvertant admission of the hoax is met simple by a dismal "Yeah..." from his father, and a high pitched "No..." from his mother... His father then attempts to plaster over this blown gaff by talking rapidly and inanely of why he thinks his son hid, but it's obvious at this point in the interview that something is not kosher about this whole situation... How sad that this honest child will probably never get the encouragement to remain honest with parents like that...

6. October 2009 - Barack Obama & the Noble Peace Prize

Now many people might not find this an awkward moment, but I do, for one reason - it's a little embarassing to be asked, "But what did he accomplish to deserve the prize...?" and be forced to answer, "Well, not much... *yet*..." For me, as a ex-pat who is always getting asked these sorts of things by my Romanian and Hungarian relatives it's a little squirm-worthy... Because while he *has* worked towards getting the world community and opposing nations to talk civilly to each other, it hasn't yet borne fruit, so to speak... So the Norwegians seem to have stretched the terms of the award rules a bit on this one, insofar as Obama hasn't actually accomplished the goals of the prize, though he did more than most at trying to achieve them... Let's hope the President uses this as a benchmark of where he wants to be before he leaves office...

7. November 2008 - Palin and the Masked Avengers

Okay, I cheated on this one... It's not from this year... But it's *still* the most amusing awkward moments I've ever seen/heard... And it gives me an excuse to share it here... But beware, it may cause you to feel sympathy for Sarah Palin - at many points, you are squirming yourself at how gullible she's being... *grin*
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A Facelift & The Saturday Six - Episode 296

2009-12-12T12:34:00.000-08:00

Yes... I've given the blog an overhaul... *shock!* *heart attack!* *dies!* Yes indeed, I've returned to my blog... And for once, no dire emotions prompted it... I'm just tired of keeping my thoughts to myself... So, if I have *any* readership left - here's a fresh look, a fresh start, and a fresh Angelia... (Well, actually I'm *always* fresh, in every sense of that word, but that's beside the point...) To anyone new: please enjoy... I'm going to give a try at keeping up with the blog again on a regular basis, so there will be more to come (hopefully)...

I'll start the fresh start with the Saturday Six, because I'm shot for ideas atm... But it'll give you a peek inside my head anyway...

1. Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with?

Strange as it might sound, a teen psychological counsellor... Some of you may be aware of my penchant for picking up homeless waifs and trying to get them into better circumstances - well, I did that with a lovely 14 y/o named Kylie recently, and it's her counsellor I had the deep convo with...

2. Would you prefer to talk to this person face to face, by phone, or by internet chat?

There is really no other way to talk to such professionals *except* face to face... Distance dialog tends to limit the helpfulness of said dialog... In this case, it would have been difficult to plan out a course of action on Kylie's behalf if we couldn't have gotten into it with all the interaction that vis-a-vis provides...

3. In a group setting, are you happier listening to a conversation or leading it?

Among my friends, I tend to listen more than lead conversations... I know that sounds strange coming from someone as wordy as myself, but it's true... There are a few reasons for this - for one, I am not very chatty in spite of my immense writing... I can put my thoughts together better when I have a page (virtual or otherwise) in front of me... It helps me to organise what I *really* want to say... The second reason for my listening rather than speaking is my accent... Even among those who are *used* to it, I still get, "Say what?" from people... So listening is just easier than repeating myself several times... The third and final reason is simple - I learn more by listening... Not just about what is being discussed, but about the people involved in the conversation... And to me, that's more valuable than anything I might have to say, usually...

4. How often would you say that listening to other people’s opinions in a conversation actually changes your own?

I would say at least some of the time it does... But I generally have some pretty well-formed opinions of my own... And if I hold to an idea, it is very difficult to change my mind... You'll have to have some fairly impressive facts behind *your* opinion for me to be swayed... I *never* come to an opinion on something until I feel I have all the facts - and that's why it's so difficult to influence me... On the other hand, if I don't have all the facts yet, I'm willing to entertain any number ideas to help me form my own considered opinion... So it's not as if I'm a mule... *winks*

5. Take the quiz: Do You Talk Too Much?

And here are my results - pretty much as I expected they would be... *grin* (Not sure about that "brilliant conversationalist" bit though...)

You Don't Talk Too Much

You have mastered the art of conversation. You understand that listening is as important as talking.

Like anyone else, you think that the things you have to say are important and interesting. You just know that not everyone is interested in hearing them.

You wait your turn, speak your piece, and quickly turn the conversation back to your partner.

You may choose your words carefully, but people consider you to be more of a brilliant conversationalist than some chatty know-it-all!

Do You Talk Too Much?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

6. Have you ever had a telephone conversation in which you or the other party actually asked to hang up first?

This is a strange question... I'm not sure I understand it.... Doesn't the conversation eventually end up with *someone* saying they have to go...? Or is it asking if I've ever literally asked to hang up...? If that's the case, then the only times I can recall are when I'm too tired and need to get a little sleep...

And that's my Saturday Six... Want to do your own Saturday Six...? Then hop on down to Patrick's Place...! And stay tuned here for the Sunday Seven tomorrow...!

To The One Who Sets My World On Fire

2009-01-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

Rooms on Fire

Stevie Nicks

Somewhere out in the back of your mind

Comes your real life and the life that you know

It seems like it was the creation of some of those same old things

It seemed to be the only thing left out in the light

She had trusted many

But been unfamiliar with

Almost everyone but you

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

I have known this much longer than I've known you

She had trusted many

And then there would be someone who would enter into her presence

That she could sense for miles

She dreamed of her wanton luxury

And she laughed and she cried and she tried to taunt him

And he hated to be separated

From that picture... No...

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Ooh, well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

Well I have known this much longer than I've known you

Long nets of white cloud my memory

Ooh there is magic all around you

Everytime you walk in the room

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

Well I have known this much longer than I've known you

Well maybe I'm just thinking that the rooms are all on fire

Everytime that you walk in the room

Well there is magic all around you, if I do say so myself

Well I have known this much longer than I've known you

Stop The World - I Want To Stay Right Here

2009-01-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

This is how I feel about my Beloved sometimes... I feel like I want to find a way to make the night last longer, the afternoons linger, the mornings extend into infinity... Basically, any time I'm with him, I don't want it to end... Even when it's just his voice on the telephone, the moment seems all that matters... I am reminded of a scene in Star Trek Insurrection, where Anij of the Bak'u is talking to Picard about perfect moments in time, and everything seems to suddenly slow and stop, letting them linger in that moment endlessly... Sometimes I wish I could do that...

There never seems to be enough time for those perfect moments... You know them when you feel them, and just as surely, you know they have to end... And that lends to those moments a bittersweet quality that urges you to capture it in your memory - the tone of a voice, the sound of the rain on the roof, the taste on your lips, the emotions that are surging through you... And yet, while you're doing this, trying so hard to preserve that moment - you can't share it with the one who caused it... There aren't words... It is so unifying and intimate, and yet it is separate too... A crystalline thought that shines out only through your eyes because it can't emerge from your lips...

But I wish I could make a scrapbook of those moments I could place into his hands... It would be full of sweet smiles pressed between pages of laughter... Shimmering tears of joy, hilarity, sorrow, and grief would affix the amorphous shapes of emotions to leaves made from slices of my soul... Sun bright golden clouds of bliss, pale green swirls of comfort, and burgundy tempests of passion... It would be a book like no other, and one whose creation could not have been accomplished without his influence in my life... If I could present him with such a book, perhaps he could finally see what I see - himself through my eyes... Not perfect, but perfectly imperfect...

I can't stop the world from spinning... I can't make those perfect moments linger in timelessness eternally... I can only store them - precious treasures all - close inside my heart, woven into the tapestry of my being... And share them through the lovelight he brings into my eyes...

21 of 43 Things

2008-12-31T07:23:00.000-08:00

Back on the 23rd, Heather posted about having a life list... It inspired me to create one of my own, and though I haven't yet added 43 things to my list, I have reached the halfway mark with 21... And since this is a list to build on, to grow from, and create one's own reality with, I think half a list is a good start... As Heather noted in her blog, these aren't resolutions - they are what I want to see and create in my own life... These are the things that are important to me... If you want to try this too, go to 43 Things and begin your own list...

My Life List

1. take the next step in my relationship with my Beloved

2. learn to let go of the things that hurt and embrace fully the things that bring joy

3. devote myself to more of my solo music projects

4. be a better writer - both blogging and my private journalling

5. take a long distance cycling trip

6. go home to Romania one last time

7. be a better foster mom

8. have a child of my own

9. get together a 10 year financial plan

10. learn to live like today is the only day we have

11. weave more enchantments for *myself*

12. run a marathon for charity

13. record a solo album (even if I don't sell a single copy)

14. laugh at least once a day

15. teach my Beloved to dance (even if it's only slow dances)

16. learn more Mexican Spanish

17. get a kanji tattoo

18. complete my thesis and get my masters

19. hone my archery skills

20. go back to Japan - with my Beloved this time

21. Work on the band's dynamic

I'll add more to this as time goes by, but these are the first goals... Wish me luck...

Season's Greetings

2008-12-24T03:33:00.000-08:00

In spite of my absences from this blog, my friends here are never far from my thoughts... So whether you've given up on reading me (because my updates have been so damned infrequent) or you still linger to hear whatever I might say when I happen to wander by... You're all in my thoughts this holiday...

I wish you Happiness, the freedom to pursue it and the success of achieving it... I wish you Joy, the simple pleasures and the complex ecstacy... I wish you Peace, in your lives and in the world around you... I wish you Fulfillment, of your dreams and in your soul... But most of all, I wish you Love - love of family, love of friends, love with your lovers, and the love of strangers, too... Of all the gifts I could offer, these wishes for you are the best I know...

May you never know sadness, and if you must, may it quickly pass... May you always have Magic, because life is nothing without enchantment... and may you and yours have a *very* happy holiday season...

My love to you all...
Angelia Rian

For My Beloved...

2008-11-13T10:27:00.000-08:00

Because I can ever tell him this enough....

India.Arie - The Truth
Uploaded by foxysoul

I love you... With all of me...

Til The Sun Rises Again...

2008-09-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox greeting

My friend, bandmate, and brother, Denver Patrick O'Reilly passed away on Friday at 11:42pm... His funeral is in 40 minutes, and I'm still not ready to say goodbye... Perhaps I never will be... His passing has left a broken, empty space in my heart... And part of the music has died...

But there is still my Beloved, who held me upright this morning, and who will again tonight... And though he never got to know Denny well, I think he grieves his passing too... For what might have been, and now never can be... And for the pain he feels when my heart feels it...

The Smilebox (ironic name) above is for Denny... And the song below for my Beloved... The song fits what he speaks to me, the words he speaks that comfort me...

Breath In Breath Out by Mat Kearney

Breath in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
If everybody bleeds this way - just the same
Breath in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away - I will stay

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
And I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Hold on, hold tight
From out of your sight
And everything keeps moving on, moving on
Hold on, hold tight
Make it throught another night
And everyday there comes the sun - with the dawn

We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
I'm not letting go
You hold the other line
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out
Breath in and breath out

Look left, look right - to the moon and the night
Everything under the stars is in your arms
'Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

My Blog = Me!

2008-02-01T16:26:00.000-08:00

Heather wrote a rather thought-provoking entry today... And I related to it well... It brought to mind my own thoughts about blogging and why I blog...

She mentioned that her blogging started because of the deeply emotional things in her life she had going on... I relate to that - I started blogging over heartbreak and guilt myself... She mentioned she became a comment-whore for awhile... I had that phase too... And she mentions her blogging tapering off because she is happier in life now... Which I have so obviously done...

I have come to the realisation that pain brings out the words for me... I write because I am so choked up I can't even speak... And I can't suffer in silence - I'd go mad... And while that's all fine and good (catharsis is a *good* thing!) it's not what I want my writing to be... And as Denny mentioned to me, it's not the place I want to lock my creativity in... He felt that if I isolated my writing to when I was in an emotional dark place, that eventually, that would be the only time I *could* write... And that it shouldn't be about who might be reading... If when I'm happy, I just want to write brief blog entries of mushy happy crap - I *should*. For *me*.

And he's right... Too long I've neglected to write in my blog, for two reasons:

I've been, while not deleriously happy, happy enough that nothing was troubling me enough to turn into a blog entry... And I felt like that wouldn't interest anyone to read...

But my blogging shouldn't be about other people... It should be about me... Whatever matters to me at the moment, whether that's despair or giddy joy... If I want to blog an entire entry on how captivating I find my Beloved's eyes - I should *do* it... (He might have a different opinion on that, but while he's a bit embarassed and self conscious about my praises, I'm pretty sure part of him also enjoys it *smiles*) I should always feel free to blog about whatever I want, regardless of who might be reading... The readership was always a secondary thing anyway... I started blogging just to set my words lose in the world, to let it out so I wouldn't have to keep it inside... That my words found hearts and minds that gave a damn what I thought was just a bonus...

So I'm turning a page here... I will always be mindful that there are those out there reading my words (and I love some of you very much) but from now on, I'm not going to hold myself to the task of always being entertaining, interesting, or thought provoking... I'm just going to write... If you don't like the day's entry, feel free to skip it... I won't hold it against you... And I *will* eventually write something that isn't the literary equivalent of fluff... I'm not a fluffy bunny person, after all... I have my deep thoughts as you know, and I'll still express them... I won't be writing *every* day, but I will be writing several days a week... Even if it's just "Greetings...! I'm still hanging in there, how about you...?"

It's going to be about me again... And that's really what you loved reading about anyway, isn't it...?

The Dying of The Light

2008-01-29T09:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't written, *really* written, in such a long time... So much had been going on in my life that it was difficult to know where to start... I've been over in this blog before how I feel about our foray into fame and fortune... And I covered my Mother's diagnosis of leukaemia... But this most recent blow is the hardest to deal with... I hesitate even typing it out, because that almost seems to make it more real... And I don't want it to be real...

Our drummer, my bandmate, my *brother* in all but blood - our laughing joking goofy Denny - is dying... It seems he's been dying a long time, we just didn't know it...

A little over a month ago, he starting having severe stomach pains and occasional bouts of nausea... When he collapsed backstage after a gig, we got an emergency appointment at the clinic... They did some tests, and set him up with an appointment for a gastroenterologist, for what they believed was an ulcer... He never made that appointment, because he had another attack at a gig, this time coughing up blood, in addition to the stomach pains and nausea... So we went to the ER... Many hours later, after some extensive tests, they were still unsure how to definatively diagnose him, but made him an appointment with the hospital's oncologist... When his diagnosis was in, it was nothing we'd expected... He has gastric cancer, which had already metastisised to his liver, and caused large ulcer-like lesions in his stomach... He's since undergone surgery to remove part of his liver...

The prognosis isn't good... He will also have to undergo surgery to remove parts of his stomach as well... And as his liver has been compromised, he runs a risk of liver failure... He will also have chemo or radio, or both... But all of these are palliative, they don't generally result in a cure... They only extend his time...

He comes home from the hospital today, though, and I should be happy about that... But I'm not... I know that sounds horrible, but it was hard enough to put on my happy face while visiting him... With him home, I can't afford to break down... I can't afford to cry...

Not that I always want to cry, either... Sometimes I want to scream, to shout at the top of my lungs... I want someone to blame... Not this damned impersonal disease, someone I can hit and bludgeon to pieces for stealing our Denny away... That's how it feels... Like he is being stolen away from us, a day at a time... And I feel helpless, because there is nothing I can do, or say... "It will be alright..." But it won't, will it...? I can't reassure him, because there isn't a happy ending... I can only pretend that a few months is enough time to say goodbye to a decade and a half of friendship, love, and brotherhood... I can only smile brittle smiles and say "I love you..." and ask him what he wants to do today... Because now every day is the only time he'll ever have to do it...

I want to make a great magic - like the ancient tales, not the feeble glimmerings and glamours of the magic I possess... I want to weave the torn threads of his life back together and bind it to him so strongly that he could never die... But I can't... I don't possess such magic... I doubt anyone ever did really... And it's no solace at all that I *know* he will still exist even after... I want him *here*... With us...

I don't know how to end this entry... There's so much to say, and no words to say them...

And you, my brother, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Happy Holidays...!

2007-12-24T11:33:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to wish you all a Happy Holiday...! I'm off with My Boys and Jeanette and the kids to celebrate Xmas with Angel's Mother off in Salem (Oregon) ... I hope the season brings you not only material gifts, but those of the soul - health, love, and the warmth of family and friends... My love to you all... (But most especially to my Beloved - though we're apart now, my Heart's Desire, I will be thinking of you and dreaming of your arms around me...)

And now, I leave you with some songs of holiday cheer... Enjoy...!

Crossroads

2007-09-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

I know - I promised to keep up with my blogging, and I didn't... But ever since we've started this little adventure, things have been so intense, I've only had time to cater to my basic needs, and a few obligations... You wouldn't *believe* how much I sleep these days...! Or the sleep of utter exhaustion it is... I barely even have time to think...

So, in spite of how it may disappoint some of you, I must report that I'm going to finish out my contract and let the Boys move on recording without me... There are multiple reasons for this, but mainly, I can't live like this... And the music is no longer fun when it becomes something I *have* to do... I won't abide that... But don't dispair...! I'm *not* leaving the Boys or the band, my role is just changing... I won't do lead female vox, I'll do background vocals, and I'll still be writing music with them... I just need a different schedule, before this one makes me ill...

In other news, my Mother got into a car accident... Don't be alarmed...! She's fine, but she broke her scapula and her femur (the femoral neck of that bone, actually) and a crack in her pelvis... She's had two surgeries, some physio-therapy, and is still in a wheelchair, but hopefully will soon progress to a walker... There was some mixed news that came along with this though... Her blood tests, taken when they were repairing all that damage, showed signs of leukaemia... That diaganosis has since been confirmed with a biopsy, but it's not quite as terrible as it might sound... Firstly, they caught it relatively early... Secondly, the type of leukaemia (chronic lymphocytic leukaemia) is a slow growing one... Mother is 68 years old, and so by the time this illness might require agressive treatment, she may have reached the end of her natural lifespan... I know that doesn't *sound* like a "good" thing, but she may avoid having to take chemo meds, and will not really suffer from the disease, except for being a little less active than she is now...

So I've had a good deal to stress over lately, but it hasn't been quite as bad as I might have had to suffer through... And in any case, I hope it partially explains why I've been so silent... I didn't mean to be (I never mean to be), there were just a lot of things going on...

I *have* enjoyed the recording experience, though... I'm glad I got to be a part of it, and it has been an exciting ride... But although I've devoted my life to music, I've learned I can't devote my life to working at music... And that was something I needed to learn, otherwise I always would have wondered... And I'll *still* have my name in the lead credits on one recording, so that's also a good thing... *smiles* But I think I'd far prefer short trips and quick afternoon recording sessions, to turning my life upside down and taking the enjoyment away from that which I love... And there are other things I want in life now besides a career, and this set up would never give me time to have it...

So here I am... A little more tired, a little wiser, and more clear than ever about what I want out of life... And who can say no to that...?

A City for Lost Angels

2007-06-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't stopped blogging again...! I've just been away in Los Angeles... *smiles*

Why was I in Los Angeles, you ask...? (Well, you didn't - but let's just make the presumption shall we...? Otherwise I'll never get to my news...) The band and I were off recording in a studio - making music is now my full-time job! So it will be a lot of back and forth, to and from L.A. as we play, record, and process tracks for our first professional CD... After that, we'll tour a bit, promoting our music, coast to coast... No major cities, but plenty of neighbouring minor ones (i.e. not NYC, but Jersey City) ...

Our first bout of recording went well, and we were all very impressed by the facilities... This is a *professional* recording studio, so it's of a calibre and demeanour we've never actually encountered before... We all felt a bit awkward at first, and the boys felt really under-dressed in their street clothes, but no one seemed to pay it any mind... I get the impression they see all kinds around there...

Tomorrow we head back and work begins in earnest... Then we'll only be coming back to Portland on Friday, Saturday, Sunday... Monday - Thursday we'll be in L.A., at Angel's flat there... It's a total of 14-15 hours between cities (though only 5 - 6 to cross into Cali) so it's a hell of a commute, but worth it... People keep asking us, "Why come back at all...? Why not stay in L.A. til you're finished...?" Clearly these people have never been to L.A. - it's smelly, dirty, noisy, crowded, and the crime rate is appalling... We *need* to come home just to refresh our spirits and get a break from all that is rotten about Los Angeles...

If it weren't for the music, it wouldn't even be worth being there... But for music, our music, I'll suffer the consequences of that dismal place... My music is important to me, and being able to do this as a full time career is just a little bit like heaven... It complicates things I'd rather have uncomplicated, but the possibility of success could make all those things brighter than ever.... And if we don't do well, at least I know we tried... No might-have-beens... And that too will pave the path for a better future...

So though I'm in Portland now, I'll end this with "From Los Angeles, with Love..." as the blog will be updated erratically between recording sessions... Still - stick with me... I'll have a lot to say as things progress...

Portland - Summer and Roses

2007-06-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

Okay - so I promised a new layout, but it might not be immediately forthcoming... As I can't find one I like enough to switch to... *laughing* Eventually, I will though, so keep an eye out... I *did* change some things around in the sidebar, and deleted some outdated links and incompatible code though...

And while I *will* get into what I've been up to during my months of silence - right now I just want to get back into blogging every few days...

This month is the start of the Portland Rose Festival, and as the Rose Festival Wa-Mu Waterfront Village is right across the bridge from our place, I've been taking the neice and nephew over every day... One of the big highlights was getting to show them the Lady Washington, a tallship whose crew I know of old... They were *very* impressed, and it was good to see the Lady again... She is truely one of the most beautiful sailing vessels afloat... Fun has been had by all thus far, with the exception of a tummyache on the part of my nephew (which is entirely his own fault)... Fleet Week begins on the 6th, and we'll get to tour some U.S. Navy, Coast Guard, and Canadian Maritime ships too, which will please my nevvie to no end...

There's also the 119th Annual Spring Rose Show, which I'm very excited about, even though I don't have an entry in this year... I just haven't been able to spend enough time on my roses to produce a truly spectacular specimen.... It's also about time to renew my membership in the Portland Rose Society, but I'm fairly sure I can do that at the Rose Show...

So there's a lot more to do during Rose Festival month, and I don't want to miss any of it... And the gigs are lucretive this time of year as well... Mainly because of all the tourists pouring in from Northern California, Washington state, and Idaho, as well as other parts of Oregon... In two nights, I made over $400 in tips alone... But I'll miss the Festival of Flowers this year, because next Monday we're off to Los Angeles for work and recording... (And I'll have more to say about *that* later...)

So the last couple of days have been a fun ride, and a welcome break from the crazy it's been this year... And while I know this post isn't my typical thrill-a-minute prose, forgive me... I'm relearning old habits and I promise I'll pick it up again quick... Thanks for hanging in there...

(Oh - and scroll down to my Evocations... The Art Quote of The Day is one I believe with all my heart...)

Back From The Dead

2007-05-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

So it's been a long while since I've blogged... Some of you may have thought I'd given it up, some maybe thought I'd just died or dropped off the face of the earth... Nope...

Some of you perhaps missed me, and others didn't give a damn... To those who missed me - Thank you... I missed you too... To those who didn't give a damn - I have nothing to say, except perhaps that I don't give a damn about you, either...

Life has been hectic... No - more than hectic... It's been a bloody roller coaster... I've had friends pass away, an entire clan of Greek Cypriots took over my home for awhile, I left one job and I'm starting a *career*... It wasn't so much that I had nothing to write, but too little time and not enough words to express it... Sometimes, words are just not enough...

But now I think it's time this blog underwent a resurrection... I have more to say now, and more time to say it... And a different perspective on life and it's many turns... So for those of you still around to read this: thanks for sticking with me even through the silence... There will be posting, new music, a new layout, and quite a bit more... The Angel is back, and she's got tales from both Heaven and Hell to tell...

And to my Beloved: thanks for supporting me through it all - fire, rain, and sunlight...

Post Valentine's Musings

2007-02-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

I am a dependant creature... I am - in spite of the strong independent streak I show... Ultimately, I only feel strong enough to exercise that independence when I know I have someone there to catch me when I fall... It's an odd and ironic contradiction... When I am alone, my bravery and willfulness desert me and I become a strange and desperate creature, doing the most senseless things because I am lonely and afraid... But when I have those who love me beside me, I am fearless... I'd take on lions barehanded and be convinced I'd win, no matter how unlikely that is... My relationships with people are my internal support structure, and with that support I can be a Valkyrie...

Sometimes I wonder whether this is a flaw or a strength in me... Is it alright to need others so much if it makes you so strong...? Or is it a disaster waiting to happen if I lose those I depend upon...? It has been both in the past, and I've done some foolish things to maintain that careful balance... And I'm often obsessed with what I can do and be for others... Which is not always a good place to be...

So today, I stopped obsessing on what others want and need me to be, and thought about what I'd want for myself, if I could have it all... And you know what I realised...? I don't really want much... Adventure...? Excitement...? Been there, done that... Fame...? Wealth...? Over-rated... What I want goes right back to that need of people - a little home, a forever lover and mate, a child of my own blood, my boys, and the occasional song to sing to make people happy... That's it... That's all... Of all the things I could aspire to or desire, I want that which is most simplistic... The Glamourous Angel would rather be a modern June Cleaver... And maybe that's because, for me, it's that that's seemed most unattainable in my life... In a way, I find it ironic that that's so... Because I am the one that always distains tradition and runs right over custom...

It's all about the need to love and be loved, I suppose... And there are worse goals to have in this life, don't you think...?

Long Time No Blog

2006-12-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

It's not that I've been so busy (though I have been), it's just that lately I come home so exhausted I have no ambition to blog and my thoughts are so scattered I'd ramble like a madwoman anyway... So here I am, blogging from work, because that the only time I'm awake enough to even think...

First things first: I opened my last post to questions about me, and I've gotten quite a few (which have been sitting in my mailbox until I had time to post this), so here are two (and more will follow in upcoming posts) -

Charley asks: "Who are you? I've searched and admit to being overcome and I yield! So my question is, who are you?"

Wow... Start off with the hardest ones first, why don't we...? Who am I - a complex question... It's something I struggle with every day, actually... Especially since I am never really the same from day to day... But there are things about me that remain constant in spite of my variable nature... I generally like to use metaphors for these aspects of my nature, which most of you have heard me use before, but here's you chance to see the metaphors for what they mean to me:

I am an Angel - in this I mean I have a gentle and loving nature to those I care for, I am protective of those people, and have an endless ability to forgive them any transgression... My faith in those I care for can be unlimited, and at times I can end up believing in them more than they do in themselves...

I am a Demon - As gentle and loving as I can be, I have some serious flaws... I am prideful, arrogant, selfish, and to those outside my charmed circle I can also be *terribly* cruel... (Sadly, there have also been moments in my life I have been cruel to those inside that circle - and I have always lived to regret it bitterly...)

I am Faery and Witch - Perhaps it's growing up in a culture with such rich superstition, or perhaps it's just my nature, but I have that nature that can best be described as "fae"... Not only have I experienced certain aspects of the supernatural on an involuntary basis (such as seeing spirits, feeling what others feel, dreaming dreams that come to pass, etc.) but I am a regular practitioner of what some have termed "magic" or "witchcraft"... This is not a religious-based thing as some who call themselves witches these days practice, but a folklore/cultural thing... I have a thousand potions and elixirs for good and ill health, a hundred charms for good luck and bad, and many different types of mental disciplines that are very efficient at changing the nature of the world around me... Even if only to my perceptions - and that's really what magic is, anyway - the ability to shape one's world in whatever fashion one can dream...

I am a Princess - Above and beyond the literal sense of the term, I strive to have a nobility of spirit, a sense of justice and fairness, and a deep caring for those I consider "my people"... Qualities that perhaps few of my more notable ancestors possessed, but nevertheless qualities I think they would be proud of my having... Though I have some of the "traditional" shortcomings of the "blood royal" as well - I can be elitist, self centred, and much concerned with material things and image...

But mostly, who I am is Angelia - a mix of the best and the worst a person can be, given to extremes of mood and temperment, but always trying to be better than I am... I am every sweet woman one could want me to be, and every wicked bitch you fear... And I am both all at once... I can't be any one thing, as some other women can... And I can't be satisfied with the hum-drum, mundane world that seems to be enough for others... For me, I must bring a little magic, a little of the extraordinary, into the world around me... Perhaps that's because of the extraordinary life I've led so far, but I'd like to think it's more because I've seen what life *can be*, if only you reach for it...

Well *that* was a long answer, wasn't it? *smiles* Next question, which promises to be no less long -

Brandy asks: "Okay so you definitely seem "happy" now so who do tell is the beloved??? You must answer it you said you would, lol. Love ya!"

I *did* promise to answer... But I didn't promise to give you his name... *winks* But I will give you enough about him that you can know what he has done for me, emotionally, spiritually, and every other way...

A few of the basics: He's only a couple of years older than myself, intelligent to an extreme, witty, charming, funny, and *incredibly* handsome (think tall, dark, and handsome) ... He's also one of the kindest, understanding, most empathic men I've ever met... And he doesn't believe any of that about himself... *soft smile* In fact, I think he gets a bit abashed and embarassed when I say so... He thinks of himself as pretty much the average joe, "nothing much special"... He says I'm the special one - but I know better... *smiles*

What he has done for me: He came into my life at a time that I was feeling pretty much worthless... He shared some of his own experiences in that regard with me, and told me that I *was* worth something... To him... At first we were "just friends", mutually sharing our sorrows... And somewhere in there, we found that compassion for each other had turned into a deep interest in each other... He cared about what I thought, how I felt, especially about myself...

He never lets me talk down about myself (except in a truly joking sense) ... And he looks out for me... When I am apt to do something foolish, or push myself beyond my limits, he gently tells me what he thinks and almost always convinces me to try another way... Though sometimes I am still stubborn, and must learn the hard way - and when that happens, he is there to listen and never says "I told you so" (except with humour) ... Sometimes I think my more adventurous side causes him a little worry... When I take my long walks through the night alone, it makes him uneasy... And though I know he thinks he doesn't think he has the right to give his input on what I choose to do, I value his opinions... And that he wants to keep me safe, means more to me than he'll ever really know...

And he's brought laughter back into my life... He has the most wonderful sense of humour, though sometimes it's irreverent... I love that about him... Let me repeat that - I *love* that about him... Even when things in his life have him down, he never forgets to take the time to laugh... And he shares that gift with me... Sometimes I take things far too seriously, and get obsessed with problems - he's shown me that nothing is so serious that I can't relax and laugh with him... He's thoughtful, too... In little ways, every day... And he never forgets to remind me how he loves me... (As if I could ever forget!) I'm not used to a man being so open with how he feels, but it's wonderful...

And he spends long hours with me... Even when I want to ramble on about silly things, he's happy just being with me - even if sometimes he thinks I need my head examined... *grin* He'll stay with me until I fall asleep, he's the first thing when I wake, and he'll even let me "annoy" him at work... *smiles*

In short, he's brought light back into my life, helped me believe in myself again, and is a true *partner*, rather than someone I worship or fear... And that's really why I'm so happy... Because he is that partner... Because he is a *friend* while being a lover... And because there really is a future there...

And I'm going to end the questions there for now, (Don't kill me!) but I promise to get to the others in more timely fashion than I have been in lately... Since this summer, I've just gotten off track with a lot of things... Part of it is I've been so busy, but really, mostly it's been because I've been a little burned out with the writing... It's hard to do coherently when I'm tired, but I'm trying... And in the meantime, go ahead and send me more questions if you want... Just zap them in an e-mail to angeliarian@gmail.com ... I won't post tomorrow, but look on Wednesday for a little post about what I've been up to... Until then people...! *blows kisses*

And Now For Something Completely Random!

2006-10-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't written at all this month...! I have no excuse, I've just let little offline things clutter up my time and let this slide...

Hmm, "offline"... That word brings up a conversation I was having with someone recently... It started because this person uses the terms "online" and "Real Life", as opposed to "offline", and I asked why... Their answer was, "Well, because this is real life and that's not..."

I find that attitude disturbing, although I know it's the prevailing one... But as I debated with her, what exactly is "not real" about this medium...? If you're sharing real thoughts and real ideas, how does that *not* relate to offline life...? And what about the people...? There are real people on the other side of that keyboard, and even if you never see them face to face, how are they "not real"...? They have real thoughts, ideas, feelings that they are sharing with you, and those things are real to *them*... To dismiss it all as "online stuff" strikes me as thoughtless and arrogant... You should never forget there is a real, thinking, feeling person on the other end of that wire... Just my take on it...

This post is going to be really random I think, because I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now...

Next topic: The war... This one will be breif, simply because I don't know that I have much right to weigh in on this topic, but I will, because it bugs me... Every day now, I hear about more soldiers deaths... And while the prevailing partyline is that they died for a noble cause, I don't see anything noble about it... They died, most of them, because their country shoved them in the middle of a horribly mismanaged conflict, without the equiptment, skills, or plan to deal with what they were up against... When this war is over, and History Herself weighs in, I think the verdict will fall heavily toward this being one of America's most ill considered manoeuvers since Viet Nam... And I think History won't talk about those soldiers "noble and valiant" deaths - I think it will weep over lives needlessly lost and families needlessly shattered... What amazes me most about all this, however, is why more people aren't angry about this like I am... Patriotism taken to the nth degree is no longer patriotism, it's just another form of zealotry...

Another random outburst: I almost never talk about my Beloved on this blog, and never by name - it is a part of my personal life I don't choose to share publically... But for those who knew me when I was just a fallen angel with a broken heart, I thought I might say a few words about it here... I'm still a fallen angel, I always will be, but my Beloved doesn't expect perfection from me... With him, I can be whatever I want - demon, angel, or woman... And he makes me *happy*... I've never known a love that didn't hurt, one way or another, til now... So in case you wondered, I'm really *alright* now... I don't think I ever actually said it, so I thought I might as well give you the happy ending after the storm... *smiles*

And concluding with an act of shameless theft: Charles had people asking him questions about him in his blog, so I thought I'd borrow that and give you all a chance to ask me anything you've been curious about... So if you've ever wanted to pry, here's your chance...! But I'll only answer questions as they relate to *me* - so no questions about who I like best of the bloggers I know, or things like that... I only have the right to talk about me, not anyone else...

But I'm going to do this a little differently than Charles... Your questions *must* be sent to me by e-mail... There are two reasons for this: sometimes I don't get alerts for Blogger comments, and two, if you mail it I can answer them both personally and here... So use this email link, and fire away...!

Things About Me

2006-09-29T05:03:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Heather, because she stole one from me... *grin* I tried to get detailed with this one... You might learn some very interesting things about me...

Things that scare me.

Death - mine and those I love
Dying without anyone by my side
Being emotionally alone
Never finding the answers I seek
The possibility that there are no answers
Dark moonless nights with cold howling winds
Fire, the only exception being candles and well-grated fireplaces

People who make me laugh.

Ken
Omar
Heather
Denny
Rick
Chris Rock
Margaret Cho

Things I hate most.

Willfully ignorant people
Religious zealots (of any religion)
Straight people who think any other orientation is "sick" or "perverted"
People who think being wealthy makes them "better" than others
Partisan Politics
"Hooker wear" for teenage girls
Meaningless/Pointless/Senseless television programmes for children

Things I don't understand.

Man's inhumanity to his fellow man (that includes women too!)
Radical Muslims who think killing and dying is "beautiful" and "holy"
People who think doing evil to evil-doers is okay
"Good" Christians who preach hate
Racial prejudice of any kind
Families who *really* hate each other
"Friends" who put you down

Things I'm doing right now.

Answering this quiz
E-mailing
Drinking orange spice tea
Being lovingly mauled by a dog
And ignored by my cat
Listening to MeatLoaf and singing along (Jim Steinman is a *God*!)
Thinking of my Beloved

Things I want to do before I die.

Meet Sir Elton John (and maybe sing "Daniel" with him)
Visit Machu Picchu and dance on the mountaintop
Sail "Alexa" (my boat) to Fiji and retire there
Learn to speak Spanish
Give *all* of myself to just one person
Reconcile with my family
Reconcile with the gods

Things I can do.

Read music, sing, and play almost any instrument
Speak ten languages conversationally and seven others passably
Ballroom dance like Ginger Rogers
Read Classical Latin, Greek, and Egyptian hieroglyphics
Skilled in fencing, kickboxing, and karate, and a decent archer
Spin on a spinning wheel and weave on a loom
Love without condition, even when it's hopeless

Ways to describe my personality.
(Borrowed from my Johari Window)

Intelligent
Knowledgeable
Idealistic
Reflective
Friendly
Loving
Complex

Things I can't do.

Cook anything more complicated than scrambled eggs without a concise recipe
Housekeeping - I can't do it because I hate it
Get anywhere on time without tricking myself by setting my watch ahead
Use public transportation without irritation - too many people invading my personal space
Love in half-measure - what I love, I love passionately
Live in everyone else's mundane world - I refuse to see even the dullest thing without a touch of magic
Let go of the past

Things I think you should listen to.

Every kind of music you can get your hands on (with one exception - see below)
The voice of Deity in the wind, the sound of water, and the songs of beasts
The song of your heart and the whisper of your soul
The laughter and weeping of children
The rhythm of the rain and the thunder of the tempest
Every voice that speaks to you in love

Things you should never listen to.

Music that glorifies violence, abuse, and cruelty (That's not music)
Words that are the linguistic equivalent of venom and acid
The dark side of your soul in the heat of your anger
Nails on a chalkboard

Things I'd like to learn.

To read and write Japanese (I can speak it conversationally, but am mostly illiterate)
To read and write Cantonese (Same reason as above)
How to cook effortlessly and exquisitely
How to write a literary masterpiece
Learn how to play tennis better
How to say "no" to certain people
To be happy just making myself happy

Favorite foods.

Sauté Scallops with Miso Sauce
Linguine with Clams
Veal Parmigiana
Sicilian Style Cannoli
Shrimp Fried Rice with Char Siu
Bok Choy Won Ton Soup
Jeanette's Cajun Chicken Gumbo

Beverages I drink regularly.

Water
Milk
Orange Juice
Iced and hot teas
Homemade cappuccinos
Red wine
Guinness Draught

Shows I watched as a kid.

None actually, because we had no television (by choice, not poverty)

List 10 of your faults.

1. I am not punctual - that is to say, I never get anywhere but to work on time (and to do that I get up several hours early), I almost never return phone calls the same day, and dinner is almost never on the table before 7pm...

2. I am a bad friend, correspondence wise - I write and call infrequently, I get busy with life stuff and it falls by the wayside... I don't mean to do this, but I can become easily distracted...

3. I avoid unpleasant truths - As hyper-aware as I am of much of the wickedness in the world/my life, I tend to play an avoidance/placation game with it, whereby I live as if it's not happening... This is a *very* bad thing about me... Especially since it means I don't confront/dispose of these evils...

4. I am dependant on those I love to be happy - As independent as I am in other areas of my life (and willful too!), I cannot be happy unless those I love are happy (and are happy with me)... Without my support network, I am only a shadow of what I could be, and within that network, the loss of certain individuals can be more detrimental than others...

5. I am capable of doing extreme things to make those I love happy - Even to the point of hurting myself to do it... This "people pleasing" aspect of my psyche is the one I struggle with the most...

6. I am a deep disappointment to my family - In an effort to free myself from the most pernicious "people pleasing" aspect of my life, I have abandoned all family traditions, expectations, and class status... This has caused a horrible rift in the family harmony that I am still trying to heal and may never be able to...

7. I am persnickety in the extreme - While I won't chastise others for their lack of order and neatness, I will quietly pick up everything that is where I don't think it belongs and stow it away where I feel is appropriate... This annoys the living hell out of people, especially when they can no longer find their things...

8. I can be an arrogant elitist - As ashamed as I am to admit it, there are people I don't feel are worthy of my time or company... And it is an intellectual elitism, because if I don't feel you meet my mental level, I'll be kind to you but I will not really associate more than that... If I call you friend, it is because I find you to be of high intellectual calibre... And that's both complimentary and insulting of me, I think...

9. I am too materialistic - I love pretty things, shiny things, silky things, nifty things... Basically anything that has some aesthetic or entertainment value, and I spend *way* too much money on these things... Never money I don't really have, but I'll balance my budget to do with less necessities sometimes to get a thing I don't really *need*, but want...

10. I am too fae - I intuitively "know" too many things about people I've never been told... I've seen spirits... I feel what others feel as they feel it and share too much of their joy or their grief... It makes me a creepy person to be around for many people...

The Sunday Seven (One Day Late)

2006-09-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

THIS WEEK'S SUNDAY SEVEN QUESTION:
Name up to seven magazines that you either have subscribed to, currently subscribe to, or would subscribe to if money were no object.

All of these are current subscriptions:

National Geographic
Archaeology
Current World Archaeology
Forbes
Rolling Stone
Revolver
Spin

From science to pop culture... Yes, I *am* a complicated girl... *smile*

The Saturday Six

2006-09-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

I'd fallen out of the habit, but I'm getting back into it, so without further ado, The Saturday Six... The first one in a long while...

1. You find out that you've just gotten a new job in a different state. Which room of your home will be the most difficult to get packed and why?

My bedroom, because all of my personal tshatshkes and precious valuables are in there - many of them breakable...

2. Which room is most likely to contain the greatest number of items that you should throw away, but haven't, yet?

Every other room in the place...

3. What is your single greatest strength and single greatest weakness if you were to enter the dating scene tomorrow?

Greatest strength: that I am a people-pleaser/Greatest weakness: that I am a people-pleaser

4. Take the quiz: What are your dating strengths and weaknesses?

Dating Strengths	Dating Weaknesses
1. Appearance - 87.5% 2. Independence - 85.7% 3. Varied Interests - 85.7% 4. Open-Mindedness - 81.8% 5. Confidence - 77.8%	1. Vanity - 83.3% 2. Arrogance - 62.5%

Dating Strengths Explained
Appearance - Despite what some will say, appearance matters in dating. You get high marks on appearance. Just make sure you balance it out with other qualities. Independence - Your strong sense of independence comes in handy while dating. You are not held back or tied down; you are free to pursue your interests. Varied Interests - You don't limit yourself, and that's a dating asset. Your varied interests make you available and interesting to a wider range of men. Open-Mindedness - You are open to trying new things and entertaining new ideas, and this widens your pool of available men. Confidence - You are sure of yourself and confident of your abilities. Displays of confidence go a long way when attracting a date.
Dating Weaknesses Explained
Vanity - Learn to put a lower priority on looks. Appearance is, of course, important, but vanity is undesireable. The only people you will attract are the superficial. Arrogance - You are a bit full of yourself. You need to practice a little humility now and then, as arrogance can be a turn-off.
Dating Strengths and Weaknesses Quiz

5. What's the biggest surprise from this quiz's findings?

I would have said I'm more arrogant than vain, and I don't think I would have rated my vanity at 83%... But maybe that's my vanity talking... *grin*

6. Would you ever go out on a blind date with someone you'd met online if you'd never talked to them through any other method than email?

If I'd talked to them via e-mail awhile, sure, why not...? If he/she turned out to be psychotic, I am quite able to defend myself...

Twenty Questions - And Then Some...

2006-09-16T02:50:00.000-07:00

After that last post, I decided to lighten up on the seriousness and just post something silly... So here's another insight into how I think... Stolen shamelessly from Kenada...

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
George W. Bush... Now I'll just go and wait for FBI/CIA/Secret Service to come arrest me as a potential terrorist assassin for saying that... (I just thought turn-about might be fair play, that's all...)

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Any and all "gangsta" rappers... Music should never be used to spout poison...

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
My foster daughter's father...

4. What is your favorite cheese?
Provolone

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal.
Thinly sliced pastrami on rye, with spicy brown mustard and sauerkraut...

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie (porn counts) celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Well now this would have to be multiple choice in my case - Porn (Female) : Jenna Jameson/Non-Porn (Female) : Jeri Ryan/Porn (Male) : None Really/Non-Porn (Male) : Vincent D'Onofrio

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Again with the multiple choice - Female: Amy Lee (Evanescence)/Male: David Bowie

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
I would buy this for my foster daughter, Kit, who is just starting to play...

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Orlando, Florida

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Probably wait for three hours til Heather gets around to picking me up at the airport... But thanks to that hundred dollars, I'll be shopping while I wait...

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?
Moet & Chandon

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
1210, Mongolia - to meet Temüjin Borjigin (Ghengis Khan)

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
"Do unto others as you would have done unto you - because I'll do unto you as you do unto others..."

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?
It would be called "Who Wants To Marry A Broke Rocker?" and it would be designed to get Jair a woman, or at least get laid once in a while...

15. What is your favorite curse word?
All of them... *evil grin*

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Use this opportunity to perfect my knowledge of ancient Egyptian language and gain a genuine ancient Egyptian accent...

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?
My signet ring

18. The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Commit every carnal sin possible in that time with my Beloved... I'm going to Hell anyway, right...?

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
Mind reading - if you can see the thoughts of others, the world is yours...

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The last half hour I spent with David before he died...

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count)
The death of my sister...

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?
England - I already have a place to live there...

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
The Intrepid Fox, London

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?
Mine, to thwart those damned Jehovah's Witnesses that come knocking every Sunday...

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Jim Morrison

26. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
my uncle, David

27. What's your theme song?
"The End Of The Innocence" by Don Henley

War & Peace

2006-09-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

I had the thoughts to create this post back on 9/11, but considering the emotional temperature of that date, I decided to hold my tongue for a few days... There's a reason for that - what I have to say is probably going to anger and/or upset a number of people, I'm sure... And it's going to confuse others, who won't understand my line of reasoning here... But as it's my blog, I'm going to say it anyway, and give everyone a chance to argue the point with me if they like...

Let's start from the very top - the top of this entry, that is... See that tag up there...? The Ernest Hemingway quote...? "Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime." Wow... Strong words, no...? And easily taken out of context if you allow them to be... So I'm going to explain what that quote means to *me*: It doesn't mean the justified warriors and defenders are criminals - it means it's a crime that anyone should have to slaughter their fellow human beings... That the essence of war itself is a crime against goodness, peace, and life... War destroys both parties - not just the aggressors, but those that resist them, because it subverts the good nature of those defenders and forces them into committing atrocious acts for the sake of their people's safety and continued survival...

But war is a crime without a solution... War is ignited by hatred always, and hatred is only ever countered by love... And you can't sit back to love and forgive those who make war on you - they will care not, and destroy you... But by meeting violence with more violence, one's enemies destroy you anyway, in a more lasting fashion, even if you win... So what is one to do...? It's all very well to say all these many wars are an evil in the world (they are), or that peace bought with rivers of blood is a travesty (it is) - what do you *do*...?

Peace is not in the emotional nature of the human animal... No matter how much we crave it, long for it, strive to cement it, there is always within mankind that "fear of the other"... And George Lucas had it right: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." And since one cannot destroy fear, avoidance of war seems impossible...

You can't destroy fear... But you can counter it, hold it at bay, if you choose... A commitment to peace may seem a flimsy and easily crushed thing, but it could be stronger than fear if one committed in one's soul to it... All one has to do is *believe* in the cause of peace strongly enough... Suicide terrorists do the inverse of this, actually... They overcome their fear of dying by being committed to their jihad... And what a shame they waste their will and fortitude in that, when they could use that strength to forge a legacy of life, peace, and prosperity - instead of a legacy of death, war, and despair... And what sadness that they turn Allah from a God who loves peace and life ("Assalamu alaikum" - "Peace be upon you"), into a God of hate, war, and death...

In truth, there are no "jihad", no "holy wars"... There is *nothing* sanctified in murdering people by the thousands... The weeping of widows and orphans is *not* a heavenly hymn... There is nothing beautiful and holy in the sight of bodies blown to pieces or blood on the floor... The scenes of tortures and murders stink of corruption because it *is* corrupt... And it corrupts the souls of those who participate in such things - willingly or not...

What would the world be like if we would set aside all the little things that make us different, and instead focus on a lasting peace...? If people would channel that zeal that causes wars to linger on endlessly into a zeal to keep one's temper with our neighbours and find ways to live in harmony...? You don't have to agree with your neighbours or do as they do to live next door to them... What would the world be like if I could do my thing, and you could do yours, and we could respect each other even if we don't agree...? I can imagine such a world - but it takes everyone working together to give an imagined dream true birth...

Mi Vida Loca

2006-09-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

After such a long absence, I suppose it's about time for a little catch-up... So bear with me, because this might turn into a *very* long post...

Firstly, I've been working too much... *Way* too much... I've been burning the candle at both ends and it's taken it's toll accordingly - both on my social life and my person... But there has been a method to my madness, honestly... I've been trying hard to get promoted to a position where I can get the training I need to become a full fledged paralegal... (Rather than the glorified legal secretary I am currently...) And while that's been difficult for me in so many ways, I weighed the pros and cons and decided it was worth it... For now anyway...

But that's the day job... My *real* job has been far less difficult and is always more rewarding... And while I'm still with the band, I'm working on a solo project as well... I've finished writing 12 new songs and I'm working on the lyrics for 6 more... The 3 best tracks will be getting sent off as demos in the unending search for the perfect perminant gig... The band itself has had a few internal conflicts lately (mostly venue related arguements) but we seem to have resolved them successfully... For which I'm thankful, because way too often, the petty conflicts inside bands tend to tear them apart... And I think it would break my heart if that happened...

Since I'd been so busy and driving myself crazy though, I decided to take a well deserved holiday for a week with my girl friends last week... It was fun, but didn't quite end up as planned when one friend and myself came down with something that seemed like food poisoning and turned out to be some sort of virus... I spent the last couple of days of my holiday in the hospital because my blood pressure dropped so low it scared the doctors... I also chucked up everything they tried to feed me, but that's another story... And I *am* feeling better now and even got to work today with no problem...

But *before* all that distress, my girls and I had an awesome time... It was like a sororiety, slumber party, and clubbing club all rolled into one... And we even managed to go to the Puyallup Fair the same day we got sick (before the sickies), where I toted home a giant teddy bear and two dozen raspberry scones, along with two bags full of frivolous pretty things we couldn't resist buying... (Although my prize purchase was a pair of handmade braided silver, copper, & bronze bracelets which I plan on wearing at my next gig...) I was glad I got to spend some time with my girls, especially Sonjika, whom I almost never get to see...

Right now though, I think I'll be content to work less overtime, and stay home for some creature comforts, in particularly some time with my Beloved, whom I've neglected shamefully lately... I plan to make that up to him the best ways possible, though... *wicked smile* And to my online friends: I know I've neglected you too, but all I can say is I'm sorry... Things were just so up in the air that I got caught up in the minutiae, as I so often do... I never forget about you, I just get lost sometimes...

New Bytes #3

2006-07-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

The Afternoon Edition of News Bytes - news so strange, that your life seems normal by comparison...

Exactly What Kind Of Tourists Do They Want?
I know Budapest is fairly liberal, but this is a bit much, I think... On the other hand, if my Beloved wanted to see Budapest...... *grin*

Genghis Khan, Renaissance guy
According to these people, my ancestor created civilisation as we know it... Of course they also say the Chinese discovered America, so consider the source...

This Gives New Meaning To The Term "Under Cover Work"
You know, I think I'd seriously reconsider using police officers as role models for children after this little "moonlighting" enterprise...

Foster Mom Lets Her Kids Live The "High" Life
"I had a feeling it was something bad." And yet you didn't didn't do anything about it... Yeah, you're a *great* mom... *dripping sarcasm*

Blue Chip Porn?
How could this company believe anyone would think this site had *anything* to do with them...?

Return A Fortune, Get A Hundred Bucks
I imagine these people thought they were being *awfully* generous... Sometimes it just isn't worth being a good samaritan anymore...

Maybe It Was Just "Blind" Luck?
I have only observation on this piece - exactly how stupid *do* you have to be to do this?

Remember, In Cyberspace, Everyone Can See Your Bonehead Moves
This has to be the biggest Bush social faux pas I've seen to date... How he passed in high society so long, I'll never know...

Reflections

2006-07-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

I don't write much about my family, and for good reasons - most of which I can't and won't get into here... But after an unexpected visit from one sister this week, another sister has been much on my mind...

For those of you who don't know, I had a twin sister once... She died when we were younger, but she is still ever with me... I don't suppose a non-twin can ever understand quite what I mean by that, however, so I'll try to explain... She and I were extensions of the same person... I know that sounds bizarre and weird, but it's true... In spite of being *very* individual people (we couldn't have been more different in our motives and desires) we were never quite complete without each other... And we always knew how the other felt, without words, without even seeing each other... I *felt* her anger or joy or sadness, and she always felt mine...

In spite of that bond, we were never friends, never close... We rivaled each other for everything, no matter how small a thing it was... And we resented not being treated as individuals by others, even though we ourselves knew we would never be completely separate... We were both so very willful and spiteful to each other because of this... There were very few times in our lives that we worked with each other rather than against - but the few times we did, we got the better of everyone around us... If we could have made peace with each other, we might have been an unstoppable team...

All of the above was just to point out the nature of our relationship, really... So you can understand it when I say that I hated her with a passion that burned... And the greatest of that burning was that no matter how I hated her, I *needed* her desperately... And part of that need was a love for her I held for no one and nothing else... Which in turn made me hate her more, that I loved her and she hurt me so...

But when she died, I *felt* that too... And it felt like someone had torn me apart... I felt her absence like a knife in my heart - but at the same time, I felt something I couldn't share with anyone else, because they would not have understood or believed me... There were days, for no reason at all, I would feel her in the room with me... And whatever happened to be going on, I felt what she felt about it... Mind you, I never saw her "ghost" or spirit or whatever you want to call it... (With one odd exception) It was just the same *feeling* we'd shared all along... I still feel her now and then, which my therapist calls "wish fulfillment" - he means I feel her because I want to, not because she's "there"... I don't agree with his assessment, but he's not a twin and can't possibly understand... No one could who hasn't felt it...

The upshot of all this however, is that I've been feeling her all week... And so she's been on my mind... And all over again I feel that resentment and anger toward her... And that need of her... And a fear I never knew when she was alive... Because deep down, I wonder if she hates me more now, for having a life she doesn't... Maybe that sounds stupid to you, that I'm afraid of my dead sister, but it is what it is... But as much as it frightens me now to feel her presence, her emotions - I feel less alone... Even when I feel her anger...

It's kind of ironic that even now I'm torn in how I feel for her... And that I am still incomplete without her... I look in the mirror, but I have no reflection... The only thing that reflects back to me is her face... And in spite of the incredibly complex feelings I have for her, she's a part of me... And always will be...

The Party

2006-07-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July Bash

The Menu:

Hawaiian - Huli Huli Style chicken, Kal Bi Ribs, Kalua Pig, Yakisoba noodles, Sweet and Sour meatballs, Macaroni potato salad, Tossed green salad, Haupia (catered by Patrick's Hawaiian Cafe)

Cajun - Chicken Jambalaya, Seafood Gumbo, Spicy Cajun Macaroni, Red beans & rice, Cornbread, Cajun caesar salad, Mud Pie (catered by Le Bistro Montage)

American - Weenies, Cheddar Dogs, Kielbasa (catered by Wicked Weenie Hot Dog Co.) Burgers, French fries (via Lynn from Red Robin - Thanks, Lynn!) Cobb salad, Watermelon, Tillamook Ice Cream (via Albertsons)

Mexican - Tortillas, Salsa, Guacamole, Black bean taquitos, Chicken flautitas, Steak Fajitas, Quesadillas, Cilantro lime pasta salad, Cinnamon bunuelos (catered by Baja Grill)

Drinks - Pepsi, Sprite, Fresca
McMenamins Beers and Ales - Firefly Kolsch, Hammerhead, Terminator Stout, Edgefield Wheat
Margaritas and Tequila Sunrises by Angel

The Party:

The party was *incredible* and a smashing success... The food was perfect, the fireworks went off without a hitch (and no one set anything on fire or blew off a hand), and we played some awesome music... My own piece de resistance was the Star Spangled Banner, done with synth, drum machine, and some nicely timed fireworks... We also played Don McLean's "American Pie" to rousing applause, which made me smile... We *did* end up with enough watermelon and then some - I sent home with departing guests about 20 pounds...The rest was either devoured or used in the impromptu watermelon fight that broke out when people realised we had so much surplus...

Not too many exceptionally rowdy guests this time, thank the gods... The only people we had to give the boot to were some drunk party-crashers, who, when seeing our friends filing inside in a long queue, decided to fall in and join the party... We might have even let them stay if they hadn't been such completely snookered jackasses... Everyone else was great, drunk or not... Denny fell into the pool, but there was no harm done - he just had to look like a drowned rat on stage... *evil grin*

All in all, I had fun, even though nothing exceptional happened... And I managed to avoid the watermelon fight... I don't think I would have enjoyed myself half so much with a faceful of watermelon... *laughing* I did miss my Beloved something terrible, but managed to sneak away for a little bit to give him a call - I still wish he could have been with us though... It's times like these, that I miss him to distraction... Holidays are not quite perfect without him...

Happy 4th of July!

2006-07-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

It's Independance Day again, and yet another of Lucifer's Fallen's mega parties is in the works... I was up all night, building a makeshift bandstand/stage on our roof, setting up pavilions for shade and the buffet, setting up trestle tables for the buffet to *be* on, and calling all the caterers to double check their delivery times... And I still have more to do...!

I still haven't set up the lantern lights we'll have after the sun goes down, or the fireworks we'll be setting off shortly thereafter, and I'm highly doubtful we have enough chairs for everyone to sit in... I may have to ask the boys to go begging for chairs... *laughing* But at least we have enough watermelon... Last time we did this, we went through it so fast, not everyone got a piece... So *this* year, we have *50 pounds* of watermelon and I hope to be able to have enough left to sent everyone home with some...

I love this holiday, though I'm not an American... (Well, Mother is, as the boys keep reminding me, which makes me American too - but I am still a Romanian citizen and think of myself as such...) America really is one of the most patriotic countries in the world, and on the 4th, it's so infectious you can't help but feel proud to be here too... So to all Americans, here and abroad, and all expatriates celebrating with them: Happy Independance Day...! Party hard, play safe, and don't set the house on fire...! *grin* I'll let you all know how the party here went later...

Centeredness

2006-06-27T06:51:00.000-07:00

So here I sit, my meditation shot to hell and all the kata for my iaido clumsy and worthless... This has happened a few times in the past month, and I can't figure out what exactly is breaking my concentration so badly... One moment I am calm, serene, focused - mizo no kokoro, tsuki no kokoro... The next, my calm is shattered and my mind wanders to thoughts completely irrelevant to the task at hand... There's nothing happening in my life right now that I can see causing this loss of balance, of center - and yet there it is... And being unable to complete my morning routine is throwing me even more off balance...

So I've decided to try a radical approach - a two day fast, followed by some intense meditation... If that doesn't restore my balance, I may just have to step back from my training a bit and commune with myself awhile... Perhaps it is just my current restlessness that is doing this... If so, it should pass on it's own, with a little help from my Beloved... I'm not really worried, just annoyed - my morning kata is my mental/spiritual start to the day and a day without it just is never quite *right*...

Eight Little Confessions

2006-06-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Heather, who stole it from Rhiannon... Bunch of shameless theives we are... *grin*

List eight things you want to say to eight people you know, but never will for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once. (Some of these people are IRL people, and some are "online" people...)

1. With each day that dawns, everything seems as if it were brand-new because you're in my life... Waking up to you is a miracle, falling asleep with you is a dream in itself... When you say you love me, my heart skips a beat and I can't keep the silly smile off my face... These may seem like little things, but they are *immense* to me... It's *simple*, and warm, and true... And I can love you without holding back, because you really love me just as I am... Even when I'm a fool... You love me, and I'm nothing much special... I cherish each day, where we're going, what we're becoming... Even if it's premature, I just want to say this: My future is yours, if you want it... Grow old with me...

2. You inspire me... You've been through so much in your short life, and yet you've managed to overcome the things that held you back, and found the will to go on even when you felt like giving up... You've been betrayed time and again by people who were supposed to love you, and you haven't let it make you bitter or untrusting - quite the opposite... You give so much love and open your heart like you've never been hurt at all... You've learned to dance to the song inside you and are leaving behind the sadness of the past... Thank you for sharing your hope with me... You are a bright light in life, and a guiding star...

3. I spent so much time trying to be everything you wanted... So much that I lost who I was in that trying... And for what...? In the end, it wasn't me you cared about... But I did learn from that, and from you... I'll never again try to be someone I'm not just to make someone else happy... Now I'm content to be Plain Jane, who doesn't need glitter to make someone love me... I think I'd rather be ordinary and loved truely, than dazzling and loved only for the shimmer... A hard lesson to learn, but one worth learning...

4. I miss you... I miss our talks... I miss how you listened to me and were always interested in what I thought, even if I went off the deep end... Sometimes I wonder if you really knew how much it meant to me, how much of my heart you had for your very own... You were my best friend, and the only one who put up with all my worst just so you could share the best... And all you ever asked for was my company, that I didn't leave you alone like so many did... The suffering you endured broke my heart more often than you'll ever know... I hope there is peace for you now, because you deserve it more than anyone I've ever known... I wish I could have been there to say goodbye... But when we meet finally meet again, we'll take that walk we never could... I love you...

5. Sometimes you piss me off more than anyone else... I could strangle you every time you flash that incredibly smug self-satisfied smile... And yet, I can't... I understand you too well to hold it against you and love you too much to actually kill you... Though we've had some amazing fights, haven't we...? You're still the only person who can fight me to a standstill... It's kind of ironic that we express our love in terms of knock-down drag-out fights... Oddly enough, I think in our case it's actually the healthiest thing we could do... To hold it in might actually make us hate each other... But I wonder sometimes if we'll ever forgive each other our trespasses against each other... And if we'll ever actually put the past behind us...

6. (I'm cheating here, 3-in-1) You three are insane, but you know what...? You save my sanity... I become frustrated so easily with the set-backs I encounter, but you always manage to do something so incredibly stupid/crazy/over-the-top that I have to refocus to save you from yourselves... And while some people might think that's a burdensome thing, for me, it's your saving grace... If I'm busy looking after you, I'm too busy to freak out over what usually turns out to be a minor issue... You might be thirtysomething teenagers, but you keep me on my toes and have taught me that life is too short to "sweat the small stuff"... Thank you for making my life the crazy mixed up place it is - if it were any saner, I think I'd go crazy...

7. I feel a little guilty about you... You lifted my spirits when I was at such a low place in my life, and when I finally found my direction, we sort of drifted apart... I don't want you to think I just used you just get out of my doldrums, but I also don't know how to tell you that... You always treated it so casually, maybe I'm the only one who thinks I have something to feel guilty about... I still consider you a friend, and someone I think I could share anything with - but maybe it wasn't like that for you... Maybe for you I really was the casual friend you always made it out to be... I'll probably never say anything about this, either, even if we start talking regularly again, just because I hate screwing up good friendships by expecting too much...

8. I still see you in the mirror all the time... You'd think by now I'd learn how to exist without you as my shadow, but I haven't... And yet, I hardly ever talk about you... Most days, it's easier to forget you than to remember and feel that vast incompleteness I've felt since you've been gone... And the guilt is still there... While you were here, I used to wish every day that you'd disappear, that I could be my own person without having an echo... It almost feels like it was my fault, even though I know that's not true... We spent so much time hating each other - do you hate me still...? Sometimes I imagine you watching from afar, full of jealous anger at all I have that could have been yours... But I don't hate you anymore... I just miss you... And love you... And always will...

News Bytes #2

2006-06-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

Time again for more News Bytes - all the news that's fit to print, but you wonder why it happened in the first place... *grin*

Isn't This The Same Thing?
I sympathise with the Russian police in this one... I usually can't tell the difference, either...

Avoid Cancer, Become A Fat Alcoholic
This comes to you straight from my own state of Oregon, and it's been the talk of every guy I know... The concensus seems to be it's better to die from a heart attack while drunk than to need prostate surgery... Put in those terms, I think I might even agree...

Office "High"-Jinks
Except for the part about the vomit, I think this might make work *a lot* more interesting...

Streaking Can Be Hazardous To Your Health
If she doesn't marry him after this, I think he should sue... Her, that is...

On The Other Hand, Streaking Can Bring The Big Bucks Too
I understand completely why her Ex is so brassed off, but he should know better than to buy a girl like that gifts that are non-refundable...

A Harmless Pet, But A Damned Creepy Owner
Any guy that calls pet sheep "babe magnets" raises so many red flags it's not funny... Just what kind of "Buddy's" were they anyway...?

The Day The Music Died
As one familiar with this particular form of self-expression, I can definatively say there's no way your average patron is doing this sober or without other "incentives"... They might as well have outlawed it...

The Irony Abounds
First, I want the name of this hospital - so I *never* end up there - 3 days and they don't notice the breakdown...? I'd hate to be on life support... Second, the fact that he could have saved himself if he hadn't been the one stuck is more irony than this story really needed...

The Worst Job In The World
You couldn't pay me enough to drive one of those things...

In The Eye Of The Beholder
Now I know that art is subjective to the viewer - but gimme a break...!

The Enchanted Garden

2006-06-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

I have re-vamped one of my old blogs and created a space where I can share my interest and skills with herbology with all... *smiles* The Enchanted Garden will be devoted to herbal healing & folk medicine, including descriptions of herbs, and other natural medicinals, recipes for folk remedies, and more... Go check it out - I promise it will be fun as well as educational... *grin*

The Life Of A Working Girl

2006-06-08T02:10:00.000-07:00

So I promised you all a bit about my job awhile back, and I'm just getting around to it now... If you've wondered what's been taking up so much of my time lately, this is part of it...

As I can't go into too much detail due to the nature of the job (and it would be unwise to blog too openly about work anyway), I figured I'd give you my general perspective on the people I work with in breif summary... Picture all these folks in one (relatively) small office floor and numerous (sometime wierd) clients in and out all day, and you might be able to imagine the sort of social dynamic we've got going here... Sometimes it's insane chaos, but it's hardly ever boring...

The Bosses:

Mr. N. Sr. (The BIG Boss, J.D.; M.A. Political Science) - I have never gotten to meet Mr. N. Sr. personally, though I have talked to him breifly twice... He is a great big hotshot lawyer who manages the New York Branch of the firm...

Mr. N. Jr. (Our Own Big Boss, J.D.; B.A. Political Science) - Our nominal "boss", Mr. N. Jr. doesn't really have much to do with the paralegals & secretaries unless it's about work... He's a good boss though, and always pleasant to work with... He manages our Portland branch of the firm...

Mr. T. (Attorney, J.D.; M.A. Political Science) - The oldest and wisest attorney we've got... He's probably seen it all, he certainly acts like it... Nothing surprises this man, and he's the one even Our Big Boss goes to for advice...

Mr. E. (Attorney, J.D.; B.A. Government) - A distracted type, Mr. E. is probably the hardest to work for, as he's always in a rush and isn't forthcoming on details... I think he assumes we know more than we do... Either that, or he's just so busy he doesn't realise he sometimes leaves us in a lurch...

Ms. P. (Attorney, J.D.; B.A.) - Ms. P. is a stickler in every sense of the word... I'm going to refrain from saying anything else, except that I suspect being a woman in a mostly mens club has taken it's toll on her...

Mr. M. (Attorney, LL.B; B.A Economics.) - I *like* Mr. M... He takes the most time with us, making sure we understand what's expected of us... If we need answers, he's always willing to help out... I sometimes wonder if he'll stay that way after he gets his J.D. or if the hectic rush will consume him...

Ms. S. (Attorney LL.M, B.B.A) - Ms. S. is just smashing... She's almost as overworked as we are, but still maintains a pleasant facade... I say facade because I've noticed her frustrations when she thinks no one's looking... But she's the best kind of person, as she never takes it out on anyone else, she deals with it herself and jumps back in the game...

Paralegals & Secretaries:

G. (28) - the most outgoing of the bunch... I approached her first, knowing it would be easier to make the aquaintance of the other girls that way... (And she did in fact introduce me around afterwards) G. is very confident, helpful, and has a wicked sense of humour... When I told her I was a bit nervous about fitting in, she said: "Why...? It's not like you're trying to date them, you're just trying to be friendly... But watch out for Y.... To her friendly means "f*** me"... She's our resident office slut... ;)" She's brash, but I like that in a person... *smile*

Then there is Y. (22) - who really *does* flirt with everyone, as I found out... I don't think she can really help it, though... She seems to be one of those "sex kitten" types who only knows how to relate to people one way... She is nice, though... She's known for friendly gestures (not only *those* kind!) - like today, she went out of her way to get us all coffee and pastries from Starbucks... I think she's just an inherent people pleaser...

R. (31) - quiet, educated, and serious - but an excellent person to go to if you aren't sure what to do... She's always willing to help and doesn't make you feel stupid for having to ask... But very no-nonsense... I can't imagine her ever being casual... She dresses extremely conservatively, too... The girls joke that her clothes are more stiff than that of the lawyers around here... I think that's a bit unfair, however... I get the impression she is the way she is because she's terribly shy...

N. (30) - single mom of two, and you can tell she dotes on them... She has pictures of them all over her space and as far as I can tell her entire life is work and kids... When I told her I was also a musician, she gave me a bit of a funny look and said: "Wow... That must be nice to be able to do that... I don't get out to places like that much anymore..." This girl needs a fun I.V. stat... She seems like she might perish of terminal boredom...

D. (mid-20s) - D. is a nutball, and reminds me of one of my bandmates, but thanks to him, I have plenty of practice dealing with that... She's also a very demonstrative person - she talks with her hands as well as her mouth, she's always slapping you on the back or laughing loudly... It would get annoying, if it wasn't contagious... Her mirth is amusement shared rather than something only she'd find amusing...

And then there is J. (34) - this woman is quite possibly the most humourless, self absorbed, jealous b**** I've ever met... And don't do anything even slightly bending the rules where she can see - she makes it her job to report *any* infraction to the bosses... She is also one of those people who likes to screw you up just for the hell of it... She'll see you doing something the wrong way, let you do it wrong, then say later: "I told her we don't do it that way, sir, but she just did it anyway..." You know the type, the worst sort of arse-kisser... If she gets in my face too many times, I may have to strangle her... (Just joking... mostly...)

All in all, I enjoy working here, even on the days I feel like I'm in over my head... I'm learning a great deal about the Justice System in the process and I'm realising it's alot more complicated than most people think... And the emotional toll on defense attorneys is no small thing, either... Next time you wonder how they can sleep at night, consider this: some of them don't... But that's all part of zealous representation - your personal feelings don't enter into it at all... You deal with it later, after work, and sometimes I think it's almost too much for them... I have a great respect now for the legal profession that I never did before... This job has broadened my perspective in so many ways, and I'm glad I got the chance to experience it...

Never Say Goodbye

2006-05-19T03:05:00.000-07:00

Goodbye is a hard word to say... Perhaps for me it's the most difficult word I know... And whenever possible, I will try any compromise I can find to avoid saying it... Such is the compromise I found with the boys and our band... For a little while, I thought perhaps I'd have to leave them to learn how to make it on my own, to learn a trade that will see me through the years... The thought devastated me really... Practicality said I can't sing for my supper forever, but my heart and soul knows and wants nothing else... And they had dreams I couldn't share and still pursue my own life - touring among them... It seemed we were coming to a crossroads where our paths were destined to part ways... I agonised over it awhile, and pulled away from the boys, my brothers, trying to spare myself the pain of a possible goodbye... They, in turn, felt alienated by my silence, thinking I wanted to leave... Perhaps it would have stayed that way if my Beloved hadn't urged me to talk to them... But he did, and I did, and we realised we were not ready to be parted yet...

Now, over the years, many people have had much commentary to say about our co-dependent lives... Especially those closest to us... The usual question is some variant of: "Aren't you guys tired of 'playing house' with each other yet...? When are you all going to start living on your own...?" I think that's a bit unfair... Co-dependent we may be, but we don't live so closely because we're afraid to be alone or grow up... We're so closely entwined because we are *family*... We love each other, need each other, can't imagine life without each other... Maybe some people think that sort of bond is only for couples... Maybe they can't reconcile the image of three guys and a gal in a platonic relationship needing each other so much... I don't know... I only know that I always pictured the future with them in it - raising each others children, massive "family" vacations, and three long grey haired "boys" and a white haired old lady reminiscing about our glory days on a porch somewhere with our equally elderly spouses...

But in spite of that wishful future, I would never hold them back for all the world... And so we came to an even compromise... I'd stay with the band, with a slightly less intense schedule, but I wouldn't tour... They would find prima vox to replace me (a fancy latin way to say female lead vocal) while touring, but it would be someone we all agreed on... And I breathed a sigh of relief, because I was so *not* ready to give up my music or the band and the family we've created... In truth, despite my need to nurture other skills, I'd rather cut off my right arm than surrender that... Music is the voice of my soul, and music made with my boys is the voice of my heart... And it could never be the same with anyone else... The synergy that exists between the four of us is more than a working relationship, it is a communion of like spirits...

Last night, while the boys helped me babysit a friend's twin baby girls, we sang them to sleep... And after the girls had settled into their bassinet, Angel whispered, "This is how it's always gonna be, sweetheart... Someday, we'll all be singing your own daughters to sleep... No matter where life takes us all, say we'll never say goodbye, alright...?"

I promise, my boys... No matter where life takes us, or what lives we make for ourselves - we'll never say goodbye... But maybe Bon Jovi said it best - our favourite song of Jon's to cover: "Never say goodbye, never say goodbye... You and me and my old friends... Hoping it would never end... Never say goodbye, never say goodbye... Holdin' on - we gotta try... Holdin' on to never say goodbye..."

Aloha 'Oe, Kami

2006-05-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

It wasn't a sad gathering, although the occasion of it brought more sorrow to all attending than could be spoken... The music that played as the wind rustled the palms and scattered the delicate scent of plumeria was Hawaiian - gentle tunes of slack-key guitar sounding like tradewinds, singing of beauty and life and love... A Hawaiian funeral is a long affair, and though there are tears, there is also laughter... It is the essence of Aloha 'Oe, "Farewell to Thee", a celebration of a life and a sweet, lingering goodbye - as all goodbyes on these islands are... And remember, that aloha has more than one meaning - it is not only farewell, but welcome and deepest love... And though I was incredibly sad to lose this man I admired so well, I couldn't help but smile, because it was exactly what he would have wanted - a gathering of relatives and friends coming together as ohana (family) to bid him goodbye with music, and food, and laughter... I did cry, though... Out under the plumeria trees I sat and wept bitter tears alone, tears shared only with him...

The funeral began with the viewing and the mass, with all the usual things one might expect, and some distinctly Hawaiian additions... All were encouraged to eat and drink and "talk story" throughout the proceedings, and various relatives came up to sing and play their music for him... The prayers were in Hawaiian and the dress code was as well - bright and colourful muumuu's for the women and stylish "aloha" shirts for the men... All wore leis, some of pikake and ginger, some of maile and kukui nut... It was beautiful, and while solemn, it was also the most casual funerary mass I've every experienced... And it made it easier to say goodbye, because it was *not* treated like an occasion of sorrow...

It continued the next day with a luau in his honour, with much feasting and laughter and stories we remembered about him... This lasted well into the night, and the young cousins held an impromptu surfing contest, showing off all the skills and tricks "Uncle" had taught them... The next day after there was the scattering of half the ashes, taken out on a Hawaiian "catamaran" style craft... Again, songs were sung and flowers scattered on the waves, including the yellow-green dendrobium orchids he loved so well... The children and the younger adults also took a swim, their last one with him, who taught them all how to live in the waves... The day after that, the remaining ashes were urned and interred in a lovely mausoleum and the last goodbyes were said...

I, too, have said my last goodbyes... But my heart still lingers there, the sweetness of orchids in each breath I take, the sound of the waves against a wooden twin hull, and Ku'u Home O Kahalu'u singing in my heart...

Ku'u Home o Kahalu'u
(My Home of Kahalu'u)
Written by Jerry Santos ©1976

I remember days when we were younger
We used to catch o'opu in the mountain streams
Round the Ko'olau hills we'd ride on horseback
So long ago it seems it was a dream

Last night I dreamt I was returning
And my heart called out to you
But I fear you won't be like I left you
Me ke aloha ku'u home o Kahalu'u

I remember days when we were wiser
When our world was small enough for dreams
And you have lingered there my sister
And I no longer can it seems

Last night I dreamt I was returning
And my heart called out to you
But I fear I am not as I left you
Me ke aloha ku'u home o Kahalu'u

Change is a strange thing
It cannot be denied
It can help you find yourself
Or make you lose your pride
Move with it slowly
As on the road we go
Please do not hold on to me
We all must go alone

I remember days when we were smiling
When we laughed and sang the whole night long
And I will greet you as I find you
With the sharing of a brand new song

Last night I dreamt I was returning
And my heart called out to you
To please accept me as you'll find me
Me ke aloha ku'u home o Kahalu'u
Me ke aloha ku'u home o Kahalu'u
Me ke aloha ku'u home o Kahalu'u

Tune In Next Week...

2006-05-02T02:38:00.000-07:00

I know I promised a new post some time ago - but fate yet conspires against me... I will be gone away until Thurs. 11th May to attend the funeral of my Mother's fiancee... I also have news to write about the band and that state of affairs, but it shall have to wait... I'd also like to talk a bit about my new job then, too... So go about your business and meet me on the 11th (here, of course) where I'll pour for you some virtual tea and serve virtual munchies and catch you up... After that, there will be some News Bytes, and one of my "famous" musings posted... See you all when I get back...

Back From The Void

2006-04-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

Things have been so amazingly busy in my life lately, I don't even know where to begin...

Let's start with my foster-daughter Kit: Having spent a little over a year in a mental health facility (she attempted suicide) she was released on the 30th of last month, and at 18 is free to do as she pleases... She chose to come home to me... *soft smile* After a welcome home party with all her friends (and at which the boys and I played an impromptu gig), we started looking for an apartment for her, which turned into a bit of an adventure... The first place we looked at was an easy price for her to make each month, but the security was near non-existant and there were obvious rat droppings everywhere... (Can you say "ewww!"...? I knew you could...) So it was back to the drawing board... Eventually, we settled on a loft style apartment that was a *little* pricey but do-able (and rat-free...!) and had the joy of running about town looking for reasonably priced furniture... Her place is still a little empty looking, but it's livable...

Second thing that came up was this: I've been running myself ragged taking care of everyone *except* me... I was mothering the boys, and mothering my roomate's children, in addition to being mother to Kit - and it was breaking me... I had no time for myself, and no time to focus on the things that I really want to pursue... Add to that the high volume of work I was shouldering for the band, and it was a disaster waiting to happen... Finally, after a night of agonising over what I was going to do, and crying a little about the pressure of it all, I finally called a family meeting... (But I cannot take complete credit for this... My Beloved helped me through and insisted I call them on this situation and let them know in no uncertain terms that I just couldn't take it anymore... I think I might have let it go on until I broke if not for him...) So, once I aired my greivances, we re-assigned alot of the tasks I'd been shouldering to others, most especially having Jair take up some of the songwriting duties, which were really bending my brain into a pretzel...

Now having gotten my house in order, I decided to limit my ceaseless schedule with the band and free some time up for other pursuits... One of the most important was that I've taken a part-time office job with a law firm... I know I can't stay in music forever, no matter how much I'd like to, and I need another job history base to build from if (when) I finally decide to switch careers... So there's a little planning for my future going on here... (On a related note, Kit is working at the same firm in the same entry-level position I am, but full-time...) I've also freed time for private interests, one of which is cycling, which I've gotten into a bit seriously lately... (I've even signed up for a charity race - go me...!) And most importantly of all (to *me* anyway) time for my Beloved... (Though with my current job training and a small bout with a cold, that's been a little difficult... But things have cleared considerably in the last 24 hours... Ironically, just in time for him to go away on business...! *soft wry laugh*)

So that's what has been up with me, and I'm sorry if my absence alarmed anyone... (But thank you for the e-mails...!) I'll be back tomorrow with comments for you all and another post (maybe two actually)... Until then, I'm going to try to catch my breath after this whirlwind...

News Bytes

2006-03-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

So I came across a few new articles that I wanted to share... They were either: 1. Interesting enough to make me do a double take or 2. made me laugh because the world is sometimes pretty funny or 3. both... So here they are, and what I wanted to share about them...

Go To Bed Married, Wake Up Divorced
This is precisely why Islam is only a major religion in Third World countries... (*gasp* Yes, I said that... I'm not taking it back...) No where else in the world can you execute something as complex as divorce just by *saying* "I divorce you" x3... And when you can accidentally "divorce" someone in your *sleep* - well, I don't have to say that that sure says a lot about your religion and culture, do I...?

Daddy Didn't Trust Banks - Looks Like He Might Have Been Right
This one is heartwarming... Not only because someone who lost *everything* got a major windfall right when she needed it, but because it proves there are still honest people in the world who *won't* take advantage of disaster victims...

Where Rejected Greeting Cards Go To Die
This is just one of those "interesting trivia" pieces that crop up from time to time in the news... But I have to admit, I *really* got a chuckle out of the Afghan and the Coma ones... I'd buy them... But then again, bad, offensive taste really tickles my funnybone...

The Gator Who Came To Call
I have only one thing to say about this one: I think Kirby Vacuum should hire them... No one would dare say no... (Or maybe all they'd do is scream... Either way, it'd be brilliant...)

This may be a regular new feature here in my blog, if I can - A. Find enough stories I think are interesting enough to comment on... and B. have the ambition to do it regularly... But as ambition is often hand in hand with encouragement, let me know what you thought of this entry... If I get enough response, I'll be keener on making posts of this sort... (But if it bores the hell out of you, let me know too... *grin*)

Also, check out my Johari Window from my previous post... (I have noticed that once a new post goes up, my previous ones tend to fall by the wayside - but I'm really interested in making a project of this, so you may hear about it for awhile until I get you all to participate... I can be tenacious that way... *grin* Besides, it only takes a second and it's completely painless... I promise...)

Johari Window

2006-03-27T23:23:00.000-08:00

I admit it - I nicked this from Charles... But I was curious how others would describe me, too... So here it is: My Johari Window... Click the link and pick the words you feel describe me as you know me... I know how *I* see me, now tell me how you do...

David

2006-03-25T07:46:00.000-08:00

A different sort of post this time... Rather than what's going on in my life currently, I think I'll write about my past...

Some regular readers may recall my infrequent mentions of my Uncle David here and elsewhere... He's been on my mind quite a bit lately, so I thought I would share a bit about this remarkable man who made me much of what I am today...

When I first laid eyes on him, I was a child of five... He seemed a worldly and grand figure to my child's mind, with his laughing brown-amber eyes, dark hair, and fine Italian clothes... And from the very first, he never treated me as a child... No matter what I had to say, he treated it most solemnly and with all seriousness... And he would answer questions for me no other adult would, honestly, with no fanciful distractions from the subject I'd inquired about... He was the only grown person I'd met up until then that actually *cared* about what I thought...

Through my early childhood he was in and out of my life, but when he was there, I always learned something new - whether it was the origins and crafting of a gift he brought me, or the people and cultures he'd met in his travels, or something as simple as riding a horse... When I reached my teen years, he took up a more central role in my life, because due to certain circumstances I wasn't able to stay with my parents any longer... (And no, I'm not getting into the details of those circumstances...) He became my guardian, and had the raising of me thereafter...

David was a scholar of the historical and archaeological persuasion, and valued education above most other things... And so I was inducted into a fairly classical education, not only of the basics, but world and ancient history, art, music, languages, philosophy, and a goodly number of other subjects... He himself taught me art, music, and philosophy, and continually supplemented whatever my other tutors taught me with his own knowledge... That he cherished me like a daughter was a given, but that he cherished me as a student was a delightful surprise for us both... Eventually he even taught me to assist in his archaeological projects, and I learned to translate ancient languages and identify an artifact's appropriate niche in time and place within it's culture... These were my favourite lessons, because they were useful as well as fascinating...

But he wasn't only my teacher and father-figure... He was also my dear companion and friend... For much of the time, we had only each other and eventually settled into something deeper than a mere familial tie... He taught me to be a lady, and always treated me as if I were a woman grown... But for that courtesy, I had to act grown... Even the slightest hint of tantrum would earn me a disappointed look and banishment to my room until I was prepared to act the way I wanted to be treated (If I refused to go, then *he* would retreat to his rooms, which was an even worse punishment - "I am ashamed... I can't look at you or even myself... I must be a terrible teacher..." But such moments vanished instantly with my sincere contrition and all was good again)... When I was a proper lady, then we were very nearly equals - talking long hours into the night on so many subjects and debating passionately with one another on this or that issue...

To say he doted on me would be understatement, on occasion it stepped over the line into spoiling me... But he always tempered that with admonishments that I should never think myself above courtesy toward others, no matter what compliments I received... He held me to the same high standards he expected of himself... I can't say I've always lived up to that, but I've always tried to, and even harder after failing...

He shaped my life in so many ways, and was always there to share his wisdom hard won by experience... Even now, years after his death, I sometimes find myself wanting to ask his advice or seek comfort from him and cry on his shoulder, or rush home to tell him of a wonderful experience... And it's hard to think I never will again... Lately he has been much on my mind because I want to share what's been going on in my life and hear his thoughts on it... Not so much for advice, but just to know... Even now, today, I want him to be proud of me, though I know I've done things in the past that did/would disappoint him... But I think I've gotten better, and that I'm more the person he believed I could be... But hearing it from him directly would just confirm it more than anything else, you know...?

So - to my dearest David, wherever you are: I hope I am getting closer to the ideal me you always saw... I am trying... I do want to be the bright being you always believed I could be... And if such things are possible, please bless this new course I'm on, and those who share it with me... You're always in my thoughts and heart, I love you... And though you always called me your "Fairest Creature" - to me, that was always you... I don't think that I'll ever know a fairer heart or kinder soul than yours...

Blogthings Day

2006-03-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

Just some Blogthings today... Because I really can't get my thoughts in order and am preoccupied with missing someone terribly...

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back.

In fights, you seek compromise and back down from conflict. You always try to smooth things out.

Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

This is fairly accurate, I think, except the part about how I deal with fights...

I am not a particularly calm fighter... In fact, I've been known to throw things...

(Not *at* anyone, just throwing to break things... Proximity can be dangerous...)

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present.
For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt.

You attract others with your joy and passion.
Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate.

Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life.
And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal.

You connect best with: Wood

Avoid: Water

You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

What Element Is Your Love?

I'm not certain about this one... Yes, I want a love that makes me feel alive -

But I also want a love that is a lifetime thing... No brief flame could ever be enough...

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.

And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.

You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.

It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

I try to be anyway....

And one last Blogthing....

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I like to think so, but I think it's up to those of

you who read me to make the call on this... *smile*

Taking Stock

2006-03-13T14:43:00.000-08:00

I've been terrible... I really have been... I have not been keeping up with my journal writing... Why is that...? The words just aren't coming, the ideas are slow to spawn... And that's strange, because I really have never been happier... When I was miserable, the words flowed like wine - probably because words were all I had... Now that I am happy again, I sort of drift in this "all-is-right-with-the-world" state and all I can think of to say is, "I'm happy again...! Isn't it amazing...!?" But that can pall after the first five or six times one hears it... Even my bandmates have stopped teasing me and have switched to, "Yeah, yeah - we *know*... You're happy... We're happy for you..."

What is it about misery that brings out the eloquence in us...? Is it just the desire to get it out...? Or is it that we put our words forth hoping that someone, anyone, will read and understand...? I found the latter, though I did not expect it... I started writing due to the former... But I am so *very* grateful, for the people it allowed me to meet and brought into my life... And I don't say that *nearly* enough... Some of you I share only brief thoughts with... Others, I've opened my life more fully to... But you all in your own ways supported me through all my crisises, and it has meant more to me than I've ever said so publically... So I'm taking this moment to let you know - you're wonderful people, and your care and compassion has not gone unnoticed... And even when I seem a little more distant than usual, you still mean the world to me... And everything you choose to say and offer me are still the opinions and ideas I value most...

I've been promising a more thought-provoking entry, and now's as good a time as any to commence it - so pay attention...

We're never as attentive as we should be in this life... Sometimes we get wrapped up in the little things that swirl around us from day to day, whether they be bad or good... But we need to make the time to stop, take a look at the bigger picture and take note of the things we've become distracted from... We need to look also at the people in our lives and let them know they are appreciated, even when we get caught up in our own little sphere... We never do this as much or as often as we should... And sometimes that leaves the people we care about feeling forgotten, or neglected...

I'm as guilty of this as anyone... But I don't mean to be... And as of right now, I'm going to make a resolution - not to myself, but to those whose thoughts, opinions, and company I value... I'm going to try to be better at this... Because there's no sense my being happy if I cause others to feel badly... That's not the way it should work... Now as it relates to my offline life, it's going to be something I'm going to have to keep at, so whatever I'm doing doesn't distract me from what's really important (the people I care for)... But here, online, it will be easier... I am going to read and comment in your journals regularly, the way I used to... Even if I *don't* have anything to post in my own... I'm going to put in the time, because you're worth that time... You put in the time for me, and it's about time I was more diligent in returning the favour...

Have any of you been distracted from that which matters...? Here's your chance - I've reminded you, now make your own resolution... Focus just a little more on the people and things that matter... Even if it's just once a week... Attention, more than any words, shows appreciation best... And everyone needs to feel appreciated... But remember, that appreciation is reciprocal... A gift that must be continually exchanged to have the greatest effect... And when you do so, you're not just looking after your friends and family, you're looking after yourself... Because we are nothing without the connections we share...

Computers, Modern Music, The Current Middle Ages, & The House Of Hesse

2006-03-07T06:29:00.000-08:00

So after a long hiatus, I am back, refreshed, and ready to share again... *smile* Among some of the things that have been happening in the Angel's World:

I've gotten a new puter, and it *zooms*...! *laughs delightedly* It was a gift and just in time because my poor laptop is really coming to the end of it's useful life... So I spent much of my time away swapping files from machine to machine... It's still not done yet, but I'm a good portion of the way finished... Did I mention the new desktop puter has pretty blue lights...? Well it does - it reminds me of a really fast sportscar, black and silver and sleek with flashy blue running lights... *grin*

Second - I've overcome my bouts with illness, and also my "composers block" which had been keeping me from finishing the three compositions I had in the works... Now they are finished, lyrics set, and tentatively titled "It's Always Darkest (Before The Dawn)", "Blue Eyes & A Black Heart", and "Complicated"... All are written in "nouveau alternative" style, though "Blue Eyes" borrows quite a bit from 70's classic rock as well...

Third - I'm back doing SCA Fighter Practice again... So I have a number of interesting, but gratifying bruises and a good workout for my aggressions and passions... I am focusing on my archery this year because it is no where near as up to standard as it should be... But I haven't given up my sword just yet... *wink* I'm considering participating in the wars this time round if I can possibly manage it and possibly some faires as well, so I can't afford to neglect any part of my training... And besides, it's great fun beating the hell out of someone in hard blue plastic practice armour with a rattan sword - I highly recommend it... *grin* But I do need a new padded arming cap (it's become a little threadbare and thin), which I discovered rather belatedly after a blow to my helm that had my ears ringing...

Four - I am thoroughly enjoying my volunteer work at the art museum... And it's a wonderful exhibit - of Hesse Family art and artifacts... It was especially moving for me to contribute as I can count a number of 18th and 19th century Hesse as kin... If you plan to be anywhere near Portland (Or Sea-Tac, for that matter) I strongly urge you to see it... It may be the only time such a number of beautiful artifacts are on display outside of Germany... Here is a link to some of the more fascinating objects currently on display - Objects of Hesse: A Princely German Collection

But as I have appointments to make today, that's all for now... Regular posting will now commence... *grin*

Musings In The Dark

2006-03-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

She roams the darkened city streets fearlessly... And though her thoughts are elsewhere, she is hyper-aware of everything around her - the late night drunken revelers making their ways home, the man huddled in the doorway across the street, the sound each raindrop makes as it hits the ground... It is her time, the night, and she knows it well... Better than most women, who have never learned the self-confidence and self-awareness to brave the shadows of a urban jungle...

She finds peace the night, where others find only fear... And it always seems as if the deserted streets belong only to her... A midnight kingdom full of mystery and magic... As each streetlamp breaks the blackness with it's pyramid of light, tableaux of twilight life are revealed... A young couple on a bus bench, oblivious to anything but each other... Midnight chess players at the Square, with soft music from a radio punctuating each gambit... Bright and wary eyes amid tarps and ragged clothes beneath the bridge... Two rough looking men skulking round The Crystal's doorway, as if waiting for something to happen...

But tonight, she is not interested in people-watching, and the familiar characters of Nox's domain are just window-dressing... She is looking at her city with new eyes, trying to see it as a newcomer might, and trying to imagine the sort of tour she could give... For the first time in a long time, she wants to share the beauty she finds in the rough urban nightscape... To share the magic of a water-slicked moonlit street with another soul... Solitary wandering has given way to a desire for companionship on this stroll through the Savage Garden... She wonders if that companion could see it as she does - dangerous, but lovely in it's danger... Lonely, but comforting in it's alone-ness...

She's not sure how to convey all the feelings it inspires in her... How the breif lights between the shadows seem to create a different world than the familiar, daylit one... Or how time seems to stand still, at least until the first blue light before dawn comes and breaks the spell... How the stars look on a clear night and how seeing them stirs in her all manner of unnamable longings... And how all the sounds of the night blend together to create a song unique to the witching hours - a song unsingable except inside the soul, though even human outcries are part of that melody...

Fearlessly, she roams the darkened city streets, dreaming of that companion... He who hears her even when she says not a word, and can always embrace her, even when others might shy away... The only one who might understand the restlessness inside her that draws her out into the dark...

Thought For The Day

2006-02-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

“If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.”
—Marge Piercy

The ability to really, really listen is never out of style... When we truly listen, it requires body, mind, spirit, and focus...

How long has it been since you focused on anything, anyone, even on some music, with your whole self...?

(Forgive that I've been scarce - I am in the process of transfering to a new computer and don't have everything in order yet... But I shall be back shortly with something more interesting to read...)

The City of Roses

2006-02-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

I love this city... I really do... But never so much as at night, when the sun goes down and the lights go up... I'm feeling a bit under the weather, however - so I can't do what I long to... To walk out to my bridge and sit there in the wind, watching the cars speed past and listening to the chill wind rush down the river... Staring out at the city lights and dreaming my dreams... It helps to think, and to clarify, the tempest of thoughts that always rage through me...

It is my sanctuary there, my place of peace... From that spot I can breathe in the essence of my river city - the sounds of it, the taste of it, the feel of it's heartbeat... The life of my City of Roses... And from the bridge, where the winds blow wild, I feel as if I might take off and fly... Yet another attempt of mine to reach the sky... To taste, for a moment, the freedom of the winds, or the birds... Looking down upon a tapesty of urban jungle, and feeling one with it...

I miss that when I can't have it... And I miss it tonight, as I stare out my window at the bridge - knowing it waits for me, once I am well... Tonight, though, my thoughts would be far away... Beyond my city, it's rivers and it's roses... Dreams of another city, past and present... Wondering if that city holds a future for me as well...

Gazing out the window at the spanning arc of steel, I sigh softly...

*********************************************************************

And since it seems to have gotten lost in the other post -

A game I nicked from Heather:

Describe me in ONE WORD... just one word that you feel sums me up best... Leave that one word in your comment, and if you pick up this game too, leave your link so I can give you my one word... :)

Countdown to Love

2006-02-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

Wow, two posts in one day - that hasn't happened in awhile... *smiles* Just a short one though, to remind you of this:

And I'm actually looking forward to it this year... I had rather expected that I'd be cynical about it, but some things have changed lately and I find my heart expanding to embrace the spirit of the holiday... I realise it's over-commercialised and over-done to death in many cases, but that's not really what I'm focused on here... I'm thinking of this holiday from the perspective it's *supposed* to be about - Love... Love for others, love for ourselves, love in all it's many variences... And I've found that I am open to love again - to loving and being loved... And that's an amazing thing...

Blogthings and One Word

2006-02-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

Nothing profound today... Just a Blogthing, and something a little bit interactive... *smiles*

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.

You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.

Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.

But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.

Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.

Most things in your life are organized and planned well.

But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.

You're generally a friendly and trusting person.

But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.

You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.

You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.

Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.

Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.

In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.

You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.

A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

I think this Blogthing turned out fairly accurately - both the good and the bad...

And a game I nicked from Heather:

Describe me in ONE WORD... just one word that you feel sums me up best... Leave that one word in your comment, and if you pick up this game too, leave your link so I can give you my one word... :)

Touched

2006-02-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

Now, I had a *lovely* post for my dearest Heather, who "touched" me (not that kind of touch! she's like a sister! get your mind out of the gutter!) to ask what was in my playlist - but Blogspot's many problems caused my lovely post to eaten by the ether, never to be seen again... So here it is, second try, new playlist, and let's hope Blogspot/Blogger lets it alone, huh...?

My Playlist:

All by Dashboard Confessional

1. As Lovers Go
Meaningful Lyrics: "I'll be true... I'll be useful... I'll be cavalier... I'll be yours, my dear... And I'll belong to you, if you just let me through... This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hesitating... And this is wonderful as loving goes, this is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting...?"

"And I said, 'I've gotta be honest, I've been waiting for you all my life'... For so long I thought I was asylum-bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice... If being with you here makes me sane, I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side... You've got wits... You've got looks... You've got passion... But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight...?"

2. Bend And Not Break
Meaningful Lyrics: "I'm talented with reason... I cover all the angles... I can fail before I ever try..."

"I am fairly agile... I can bend and not break... Or I can break and take it with a smile... And I am so resilient... I recover quickly... I'll convince you soon that I am fine..."

"Try to understand... There's and old mistake that fools will make... And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away... So won't you hold me now...? (I will not bend, I will not break) Won't you hold me now...? (For you I rise, for you I fall)"

3. Carry This Picture
Meaningful Lyrics: "Carry this picture for luck... Kept in a locket... Tucked in your collar... Close to your chest... Make it a secret... Shown to the closest friends..."

"Color the coast with your smile... It's the most genuine thing that I've ever seen... I was so lost... But now I believe..."

"Down to the edge of the water... Where we'll spill our guts and we'll name our fears... I'll give you this picture... Keep it and don't be scared..."

4. Carve Your Heart Out Yourself
Meaningful Lyrics: "Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has... Lord, it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all... Oh look now, there you go with hope again... Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end..."

"Dig a ditch deep enough... To keep you clear of the sun... You've been burned more than once... You don't think much of trust..."

"Oh look now, there you go with hope again... But I'll be sure your secret's safe with me... Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end... Treating me like I'm already gone... But I'm not, I will stay where you are always... I will stay, I will stay, I will stay..."

5. Hands Down
Meaningful Lyrics: "Breathe in for luck... Breathe in so deep... This air is blessed, you share with me..."

"My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me.... So won't you kill me, so I die happy... My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer..."

"Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember..."

"And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it... And I knew that you meant it..."

6. Hey Girl
Meaningful Lyrics: "Well, so what if your friends think I'm crazy...? I wasn't trying to impress those girls anyway... They're all theory, no action... And where I'm from, we live like it's the latest attraction..."

"Hey girl, you've got a short fuse... And I've got designs on lighting you up... And setting you off, and watching you burn for me..."

7. Living in Your Letters
Meaningful Lyrics: "Pouring over photographs... I'm living in your letters... Breathe deeply from this envelope... It smells like you and I can't be without that scent... It's filling me with all you mean to me..."

"Continually failing these trials but you stand by me nonetheless... And you won't let me sink..."

"These roads go on forever... There will always be a place for you, in my heart..."

8. Several Ways To Die Trying
Meaningful Lyrics: "Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light... And blinding our hearts with their shining lies, while closing our caskets cold and tight... But I'm dying to live..."

"You should have warned us, these heights are dizzying, and the climb can kill you long before the fall..."

"Oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed, 'Take notice, take interest, take me with you'... But all our fears fall on deaf ears..."

Each of these songs and the "meaningful lyrics" I've listed touch me and are reflective of the things I think, and hope, and dream, and fear... I listen to them and contemplate what that says about me and the direction my life takes/is taking...

I tag/touch no one for this, but if you want to share with me what you listen to and why - I want to know... Post it in your blog and drop me a link... Music shouts out what we never even whisper to ourselves, and to know a person's music is to have an insight into that person's soul... Or maybe that's just the musician in me talking... *soft smile*

What Matters Most

2006-02-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'm going to wax philosophical again, so bear with me... *smiles*

I've been contemplating the last week about the emotional connections between people... These can take many aspects, of course, ranging from romantic love to an adult's love for a child and many variations between... But they all have one thing in common - these connections are integral to our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being... We cannot live without them... (Some *refuse* to live without them, tragically enough...)

But there is no tangible gain from these relationships... It is never anything you can hold in the hand and experience with the five senses... It is an acquisition that transcends the physical and the material - it is a thing that can only be felt... But in spite of this, it has an impact that touches us in a *very* physical sense... The absence of a loved one is a physical ache and weight in the chest, their presence a tangible warmth and swelling joy that makes our skin tingle... We can become deathly ill or heal ourselves just through the emotional connections we share with others... What a tremendous power for something that cannot be seen or touched... And what a mystery - that something so beautiful can only be felt, never grasped...

So many of us live life acknowledging only those things we can hold, and see, and possess... We rarely ever think about the effect those things we can't have on our lives... And if we did, we might find that it would be easier to live without material possessions than it is to live without our emotional connections to those we care for... To care, to love, to cherish, allows us to *really* breathe freely... To *live*, in a way mere survival and creature comforts can never provide... It is an aspect of human existence that overshadows all else... Even the worst physical misery is bearable with companionship... It is emotional misery that truely devastates... We can live without so many things, but never without each other...

To truely live, we must have the beauty that feeds the soul... All else is meaningless without that... And isn't that a funny thing in this world where everyone is so preoccupied with material wealth...?

Inspired...

2006-02-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

Well, Heather tagged me for something earlier, but I hope she'll forgive me if I come back to it later - because she inspired me with her latest post to write something else instead... She was taking stock of life and thinking about what she wants out of it... And I realised it's been a very long time since I did that... Since I *really* thought about what I want...

So what do I want...?

I want a lifetime partner and friend to share my life with... I want someone who loves me without condition, the brightest and blackest of me... I want to have a child of my own, and foster others... I want a homelife - a house (with or without the white picket fence), a puppy, kids, family chaos and family peace... I want a place where I really belong, a place of my own... I want to grow old with that partner, proud of what we've accomplished together and what we've created...

I want to share what I've learned with others... I want to teach music... I want to teach art... I want to teach life, as I've experienced it... I want to set that fire in others as it was set in me...

I want to see the parts of the world I haven't gotten to see yet, and re-visit the ones I have with someone who loves me... I want to live among cultures both different and amazing... I want to take my boat, "Alexa" sailing all the way to Fiji... I want to scuba dive The Great Barrier Reef... I want to find the one place that makes me feel very small, and embrace that moment, where there is something so much more immense than myself that I can't just laugh, or cry, but have to do both...

I want to make love, because I really haven't (except in my heart and mind)... I want to know what it's like to have that perfect joining with another being, where words are not needed and there is no seperation... I want to learn to breathe another's breath and time my heartbeat to theirs... I want to share a loving where physicality is only one small part of the whole, where that comes together with emotion and consonance of mind to form a completeness of soul that is never grasped any other way...

I want to spend a summer in Louisiana, writing a novel in a lovely house covered in Queen's Wreath vine and beautifully wrought iron... I want to spend long weekends on a sunporch spinning on my wheel and weaving tapestries on my loom... I want to hike up into the hills at night with a telescope to see the stars... I want to cycle on a road until I have to stop and collapse in the grass beside the path...

I want to learn more about why I do the things I do, and why I believe what I do... I want to become a better person, not only for me, but for everyone who shares my life... I want to be a person that is an asset and a blessing to those whose lives I touch... I want to be worthy of all the things those who love me most believe me to be... I want to make someone proud of me... I want to learn to be proud of *myself*... I want to look in the mirror and recognise that girl looking back at me, and more, be happy with what I see in her eyes...

I want to learn to embrace joy and not fear being happy... I want to surrender the fear of loss I've lived with for so long... I want to trust others, and trust myself... I want to take back the strength I set aside and become a valkyrie again... I want to learn to balance my temper and frustration to a reasonable level... I want to seek forgiveness for my past sins, and do my best to live a life with as little wickedness as possible...

There is more, of course... There's always more, when it comes to me... I'm the girl who wants everything *and* "happily ever after" too... But for now, these are the things at the forefront of the many things I desire, and I tried to be as candid as I could... But for all these things I desire and wish for, it's all summed up in one thing really:

I want to be happy... Truely happy... Happy with my life, the people in it, how I live it, and what I accomplish with the gift that it is... I want happiness... But I think that's something perhaps we all desire, and are too afraid to grab... Well, I'm not afraid anymore... And I've finally accepted the one fact I never could before... "Anyone can give you sorrow, but only you, yourself, can give you joy..." By choosing to seek my happiness, it becomes possible - and if that is possible, then all of these things are...

2006-01-29T05:08:00.000-08:00

I nicked these from Heather:

My Name: Angelia Rian (and if you don't know this by now, where *have* you been?)
My childhood ambition: to become a scholar and archaeologist like my Uncle David
My fondest memory is: Tuscany with Uncle David
My favorite sound track: The Phantom of The Opera
My favorite retreat: David's Paradise Valley compound
My wildest dream: To move to Fiji and live in a Roman style villa there
My proudest moment: When Sean graduated valedictorian
My biggest challenge: To learn from my mistakes and not repeat them
My alarm clock: Rings until it wakes me up (which generally doesn't take too long)
My perfect day: Would be spent with someone who loves me unconditionally
My indulgence: Everything really, I am the world's greatest hedonist
My favorite movie: My answer is still the same - too many!
My last purchase: Philosophy's "Falling In Love" Perfumed Body Lotion
My inspiration: Music, my "Chosen Family", and the beauty around me every day
My Life: Crazy - but I think I'm finally coming to grips with it

Have you Ever....
1. Picked flowers from someone else's lawn? No
2. Cheated on a bf/gf? No
3. Had a close friend die? Yes
4. Had a close family member die? Yes
5. Overheard someone having a conversation with themselves? Does myself count?
6. Sniffed a permanent marker to get a mini-high? No
7. Doubted your sexuality? No
8. Written on bathroom walls? Only in one restaurant which encouraged that
9. Stapled your finger? No, but I've sewn it through a sewing machine
10. Watched porn? Yes
11. Cut your own hair? Yes
12. Been to Disney World? Yes
14. Climbed a pile of boulders so that you could say "I'm king of the world?" No
15. Thrown up on a roller coaster? On, no - after, yes
16. Danced in your underwear? *laughs* Um, yes
17. Danced in your underwear in front of others? Do the boys count?
18. Had a sucessful long distance relationship? No
19. Taped a "kick me" sign to someones back? No
20. Ignored the 10 sec rule and ate something off the ground? Ewww, no
21. Gotten your tongue stuck to something cold? No
22. Been to a fortune teller? Yes
23. Believed a fortune teller? Yes
24. Burnt stuff cause you were bored? No
25. Stuck gum under a table? No
26. Had the same dream more then twice? Yes
27. Talked to yourself on AIM? Why would anyone do this?
28. Gone to the hospital for an injury you got from fireworks? No
29. Made a truck driver honk? No
30. Seen a UFO? No, but if I ever do, I'll be sure to take a photo

And look, Ma - no tags...! *winks* (Knows Ken and Omar are relieved to see that *grin*)

2006-01-26T02:43:00.000-08:00

Today is my 34th birthday... But nothing has happened because it's only three hours into it... *laughs* My bandmates have decided to surprise me with *something*, but they won't tell me what... I am both anticipating and dreading what they might have planned, because they can come up with some crazy ideas...

But before *that* happens, I'm off to the spa as soon as it opens and then to the salon... Because wherever we end up, I'm going to look *good* damnit...! *grins*

Watch this space - I will update it with what happened as soon as I can... *smiles*

Update - January 27th, 12:30am

Tonight was a lovely night... And I worried about nothing, as it turned out, because the boys went highbrow on me - something I definately *didn't* expect... Let me set the scene for you:

(Angelia buzzes the boys in the front door and gathers her purse as she waits for the boys to come upstairs... She drops her purse in shock when she sees them)

Angelia: "You look ... amazing...! And you're wearing suits...!? What the hell...? Where are we going...?" *realising her outfit is now *way* too casual for whatever it is*

The Boys (in chorus): "Surprise...!"

Jairen: "We're going to a wine tasting, because we know how you like that fancy schmancy stuff..."

Denny: "And we're going to be cool, we promise...."

Angel: "Actually, I *made* them promise... On pain of death..."

(Angelia decides to hurry back to her closet and find her black velvet cocktail dress...)

Yes, that's right - they showed up in suits, with shaved faces and they had actually gone to a *salon* to do something about their crazy long hair... Which actually ended up looking better than most of the women's hair there... They really looked and behaved like gentlemen... Which made me the envy of a number of women there - who were giving me looks like I was breaking a major rule by having three handsome gentlemen with me... *grin*

I got the boys to actually enjoy some wine, and they wouldn't let me use my own money when I wanted to buy some... It was all on their tab, they insisted... So I went along... (Hey, who am I to argue with free wine, right...?) And I got to show them a little bit of the high life I came from... I've never been able to share that with them before, so that made this a really wonderful night - that they wanted to share that part of my interests... Sometimes they amaze me with their thoughtfulness...

It wasn't a long night, but that was okay, because I got to spend some time with a dear friend... I told him about my night, he told me of his day inside the rat race and I did my best to share some of my happiness with him... I think I succeeded... Even though he *did* fall asleep on me in the middle of our conversation, which was incredibly cute... *smiles* He's been having terribly busy days at work and I think he's been having trouble getting his "full eight hours"... But in spite of the crazy rush, I think he's doing better these days than he has in a long time... And it's delightful to see, even if he falls asleep on me... *smiles*

So now it's a new day, and I'm considering going to sleep myself... But I think I'll stay up just a little while and revel in the wonderfulness of yesterday, while the timelessness of the night still stands... Before the sun rises and carries it away to that trove of moments we call the past... Today was so good I just want to linger in it for as long as I can...

2006-01-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by Heather again for another meme, so here it is:

Question Tag

1) What is your middle name? Rian

2) What size is your bed? A little larger than King size, and it's round

3) What are you listening to? Forever by The Veronicas

4) What are the last two digits of your phone #? ***-***-**33

5) What is the last thing you ate? A bagel with cream cheese and lox

6) Last person you hugged? Face to Face - Jeanette, Virtually - Ken

7) How is the weather right now? Cloudy and misty, my favourite

8) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Angel

9) What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex? Eyes

10) Do you have a bf/gf ? Not currently...

11) --- whoops ---lol Where is number 11? I am curious what it asks!

12) Do you drink? Not often anymore...

13)Have you ever gotten so drunk that you don't remember the entire nite? Yes :(

14)Hair color? Titian red (also called bright auburn)

15) Eye color? Dark green

16) Fav baseball team? The Mariners, of course...!

17) Fav animal? I have two - cats of all kinds, and wolves

18) Favorite season? Summer

19) Ever cried for no reason? No, when I cry, I usually have a reason, even if it doesn't seem like much of a reason to others...

20) Last movie you watched? In the theatre - Narnia, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe... On DVD - House of Flying Daggers

21) What book are you reading? Anne Rice (writing as A.N. Roquelaure) The Claiming Of Sleeping Beauty... (What!? Erotica is literature too, when written well...!)

22) Piercings? Multiple ears, navel (Eyebrow next, maybe)

23) Favorite movie? Far too many to list, I'm a movie buff...

24) Fav college team? OSU... Go Beavs...!

25) What are you doing right now? Besides this...? Rocking out to The Veronicas...

26) Pets? Satan (black american shorthair cat with green eyes), Cloud (white Persian/Himalayan & Maine Coon cat mix with pale blue eyes)

27) Dog or cats? Cats, and big wolf-like dogs

28) Favorite flower? Roses

29) Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to be doing? Hasn't everyone been here at least once...?

30) Have you ever loved someone? Yes

31) Who would you like to see right now? Brandy, Omar, Ken, and Heather

32) Are you still friends with your ex's? Sadly, no...

33) Have you ever fired a gun? Yes... I also carry one...

34) Do you like to travel by plane? Not really, it makes me nervous... But I do it anyway...

35) Right handed or left handed? Left

36) If you could be with someone right now, who would it be? Not answering this one

37) How many pillows you sleep with? A pile... Anywhere from four to a dozen...

38) Are you missing someone? Yes

39) Do you have a tattoo? No, but I've thought about it...

40) Do you watch cartoons on Sat. mornings? Certain ones (Spidey and X-Men especially)

41) Are you hiding something from someone? Everything from strangers (and my family), A lot from aquaintances, Very specific things from friends, and more things than I can probably count from myself...

42) Do you play an instrument? *laughs* Is this really nescessary to ask with me...? I have yet to find the instrument I can't make at least a little music from...

And I tag: Brandy, Charley, Omar, Charles and Ken

2006-01-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update:

I've moved A Flower In Full Bloom here to Blogger... It was just too inconvenient for people to participate over at Xanga... So if you'd like to check out it's new home, it's here... Hopefully, this will be a better format for those who wanted to participate before, but didn't want to jump through Xanga hoops...

2006-01-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

So Jeanette gave me an idea... "When you're not really up to writing anything profound, why not share some of your experience on your journal...?" So, periodically, I'll be sharing places I've been, arts I've learned, and other bits of errant wisdom that float around aimlessly through my cranium... *grin* This first one is about travel - world wonders you should see at least one in your life...

Places You Should Visit Before You Die

These are the wonders of the ancient world and our ancestors... To be in *any* of these places is to be awed and inspired by the immense accomplishment of human will and desire... And it is humbling, because in a world that was harsh (and sometimes savage) these people managed to create something grand and beautiful... These places are a testiment to what humanity was, is, and can be...

1. The Great Pyramid, Giza Plateau, Egypt

2. The Parthenon, Athens, Greece

3. The Colosseum, Rome, Italy

4. Pompeii & Herculaneum, Italy

5. The Ming Tombs, Beijing, China

6. Nagoya Castle, Nagoya, Japan

7. Ruins of Nan Madol, Pohnpei, Micronesia

8. Machu Picchu, Peru

9. Teotihuacan, Mexico

10. Stonehenge, Salisbury Plain, England

2006-01-20T06:25:00.000-08:00

Computer Woes

I hate computers... I really do... Well, no, I amend that - I *love* computers, I just hate wireless connections... For some odd reason, all this week, my connection would not work anywhere but in the bathroom... Yes, that's what I said, the bathroom... So I've been keeping my online time restricted to answering e-mail... (Mainly because it's really inconvenient for me to be sitting in the most privacy-nescessary room all day long...) But now I've gotten the cable modem fixed up again,

I've been in a sort of silent mode this week anyway... I've had a great deal on my mind, most of it complicated... And I still haven't reached any solutions... I'm also trying to come to terms with the disappointment of being brushed off by my family on my birthday... It's just all put me in a place where words fail me... I feel unwanted and unworthy... I know this isn't the case, but it's hard to shake the feeling...

But there was a bright spot, and I will aknowledge it here...

To Ken: Thank you for being such a good listener and for making me smile when the dark things overwhelmed me... I'm proud and thankful to call you my friend... All my love to you...

In other news... Well, actually, there is no other news... It's been a most uneventful week, unless you count rehearsals, gigs, and having to threaten club owners with with legal action... Which I'm fairly sure no one wants to hear about as it's really quite boring... *However*... It *is* six days til my birthday starting today... And that's worth noting even if nothing notable happens on that day... In fact, I think I will just spend that afternoon at the salon and get pretty for the boys (my bandmates) before we all go out to dinner... It's my day after all... And *I'll* please me, even if my family won't..

2006-01-15T14:18:00.000-08:00

Today is a grab-bag day, multiple topics...

First topic: Good music and memories

I stumbled over a very awesome net-radio site a few nights ago, SKY.fm ... It's broadcast live over the net from New York, and has an excellent selection of channels to choose from... I've spent today listening to their Best Of The 80's channel... This is where the memories part comes in...

I realise that today it's very uncool to admit that you loved *anything* about the 80's, but I am going to commit the grievous sin of saying I loved nearly everything about the 80's... I loved my big hair, my flavoured shimmer lipgloss, my jelly shoes (and bracelets), and my Walkman full of Madonna and New Wave cassettes... I loved the hot pink streaks in my hair and my Danskin Wear and legwarmers... I loved the excess, the decadence, and the materialism...

And listening to the songs of my younger days, so many memories came rushing back... The carefree days I spent with my clique powershopping, the nights spent dancing until my feet practically dropped off... We were so "awesome" and "radical" and "uber-cool" in those days... And in that world, it seemed like we'd live forever and nothing bad would ever happen... The Cold War was ending, and in our minds a "brave new world" was dawning... Everything glittered in ways that, looking back now, seem hard to imagine...

Were we hopelessly naive...? Yes, probably... But I miss that naivete... I miss that innocent hope for all good things I had then... I miss seeing the future as a landscape of unity and wonder... Today's future seems so grim compared to the idealism of the 80's... And I miss all the outrageousness of that decade... Nothing was ever too much, and you could build whatever extreme image you wanted... There was a freedom in the excess that everyone so condemns now... You could be whoever you wanted, whatever you were inside, no apologies... And if you were *really* unique, *you'd* start a trend...

So I'm nostalgic today... And as I sit here listening to Huey Lewis and The News sing about "The Power Of Love", I feel like crimping and teasing my hair, using half a can of Aqua Net hairspray, and finding my off the shoulder tops, my black lace pouf skirt, my stirrup leggings and legwarmers, and maybe even a pair of jelly shoes and having an impromptu 80's Retro Party downstairs...

Second topic: Two Things

I stole this from Heather... It was yet another opportunity to let you all peek into the "Inner Angelia"...

Two Names You Go By
1. Angelia
2. Lia

Two Parts Of Your Heritage
1. Latin
2. Magyar

Two Things That Scare You
1. Being Alone
2. Death

Two Of Your Everyday Essentials
1. My laptop
2. My pocket toothbrush

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Sushi-print pyjamas
2. Fuzzy slippers

Two Of Your Favorite Bands Or Musical Artists (At The Moment)
1. Evanescence
2. Bon Jovi

Two Of Your Favorite Songs (At The Moment)
1. "Welcome To Wherever You Are" - Bon Jovi
2. "Photograph" - Nickelback

Two Things You Want In A Relationship (Other Than Real Love)
1. Honesty
2. Laughter

Two Truths
1. I still miss Him
2. I am afraid I will never fall in love again

Two Physical Things That Appeal To You
1. Eyes
2. Smile

Two Of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Weaving tapestries
2. Designing and sewing clothes

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To stop fighting with my family so much
2. A steady gig

Two Places You Want To Go On Vacation
1. Monte Carlo
2. NYC

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die
1. Have a child of my own
2. Be a professional composer

Two Ways That You Are Stereotypically a Dude/Chick
1. I am very fashion conscious
2. I use my feminine wiles to get by sometimes

Two Ways You Act Like The Opposite Sex?
1. I am not afraid of physical confrontation
2. I kick arse at pool/billiards

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. 1987
2. Making coffee

Two Stores You Shop At Often
1. Nordstrom
2. Hot Topic

Third topic: Frappr Map

Now I've had this map for awhile now, and only 5 people have signed it... Now I *know* there are more than five people who read this thing... (There might actually be ten...!) So go and sign...! For those of you who have already signed, there is a new feature over at my Frappr map - A Group Forum... So go over there, meet each other, hell invite your own friends to post there, what the hell... I made this forum for all of you to use freely as you wish... Just play nicely children... If you have any suggestions, post them in the appropriate forum, and I'll do my best to please you... (I'll even add forums on request...)

That's it for today... But check out my Xanga meme tomorrow for fresh lists... Until then, take care of you... *smile*

2006-01-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know about all of you, but I loathe Friday the 13th... I seem to have the worst luck on this day... Psychologists claim it is because people are in a heightened state of anxiety on this day, and that may very well be true - but it doesn't change my rotten luck... *wry grin*

So each Friday the 13th, I stay home, put on the answering machine, and try not get in trouble... It didn't quite work today, as I slipped in the shower and twisted my wrist catching myself... (So I type to you today one-handed... Hence, this will be a short entry...)

What's your reaction to Friday the 13th...? Are *you* suddenly plagued with bad luck...? Or do you think it's just a bunch of silly superstition...? As for me, I'm hiding from my own black cat - because he has the nasty habit of twisting himself around your ankles til you fall... ;)

2006-01-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

I like to think of myself as a knowledgeable person... I *know* I am... I've spent much of my life in studies of every classical (and some not so classical) subjects I could get my hands on... I've read mountains of books, held fragile papyri in my hands and decoded the words of the ancients, gazed intently upon the works of Leonardo, observed the human race in all it's comings and goings, and noted history as it happened during my lifetime... But for all that, true wisdom escapes me...

There is a great gulf between knowledge and wisdom... You can become knowledgeable in a multitude of areas - you can even become expert in a few... But none of the sum of knowledge in the world will ever make you wise...

They say wisdom comes with time... I'm not sure I believe that... There are as many foolish people at eighty as there are at eighteen... Perhaps some do not possess the capacity for wisdom... And what is that quality that separates the wise from the fools...? All my studies and observations have not provided me with that answer because wisdom comes in so many varied vessels...

Wisdom is not only the possession of the aged sages... I've met little children who were far wiser than the adults around them... I have met those whose intellect was stifled through disease who were wiser than the doctors who treated them... Wisdom, it seems, is not about what you know or even great experience... It is about how clearly you see the world and how readily you accept and cope with it... But there is more to wisdom as well...

The truely wise even know when to speak and when to be silent... They know, without asking, if their words fall on deaf ears or if it is absorbed and analysed... There is a "knowing" to wisdom that has nothing to do with learned knowledge... An intuition, if you will - but a keenly accurate one...

And I do not seem to possess that... For all my knowledge and experience, I am not wise... And I don't know that I ever will be... For everything I've learned, and know, and lived - there are still so many things that remain a mystery to me, things I have never understood and never will... Given two choices, I am almost always the rash fool rather than the wise sage... Even my own motivations sometimes elude me... And that much, I think, is the beginning of wisdom - knowing oneself and the "whys" of what you do...

Wisdom I think, cannot be learned... Or even really earned... It is a gift - whether bestowed by the gods or by genetics alone... And I envy those who possess it... For them, the world may still be a mystery, but they understand, in a way I never will, the point of it being a mystery... They have what I will never find - contentment... I will always be a seeker, a wanderer... Looking for answers to questions that may have none...

2006-01-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

I nicked this from Ken, over at Castle Shima... I think it's fairly accurate, but it makes me seem too much of a people person, which I am not... I crave my solitude much of the time and only share the Idealist Angelia with people who matter to me... I am very big on charities however, and I do donate quite a bit of time in that arena...

The Three Question Personality Test

2006-01-10T02:33:00.000-08:00

I've been silent this week... I'm sorry about that... I've been dealing with insanity on two fronts - one from the IRS, the other from my family... The first is not so dire if we can find all our damned receipts to put in our considerable deductables... The second is harder to deal with...

My family consistantly disappoints me in so many ways... But this is really quite the last straw... My birthday is coming up and none of them have any time for me... They'd rather give their time to strangers and their friends than to a daughter of their own house... I wish I could just say "fuck 'em", but I can't... It hurts... It hurts alot...

So forgive my silence this last week... Looking back now, I should have just spent my time writing entries here... It would have been time better spent... The time I spent fighting with family was *completely* a waste... And our disorganisation on the tax front was just depressing... But we have a little time to get *that* in order...

Look for a more upbeat post tomorrow... I feel a little philosophical...

2006-01-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay - don't kill me... I know I promised yesterday, but the sad truth is, I got roped into babysitting for Jeanette and so was unable to take my eyes off her little midgets... But now that I'm here I would like to unveil my little project:

A Flower In Full Bloom - this is the meme project I've been working on... Though it's a bit different than most memes... It consists of a random topic that you must then create a list for... Example: List all the greetings you've used to answer the telephone, List the epitaphs you might like on your tombstone, List all the things that usually go through your mind as you're falling asleep, etc. ... These lists can be as long or as short as you like... (But of course, longer makes them a more interesting read...) You can also suggest topics for me to use (and answer!) in the comments or via e-mail... Why listmaking, you ask...? Well, number one, it gives you something to write about when you have no idea what to write... Number two, lists are simpler than wracking your brain for whole paragraphs... Number three, it can provide you (and others) with some introspection into yourself, how you think, and what matters to you... And number four, making lists can be addictive and fun... *grin*

Currently, there are three lists posted... You can do one, two, all three if you like... Pick and choose as you will... Suggest some topics to me... And *comment*...! Feedback is an *awesome* thing...!

2006-01-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone...! It's 2006...!

Well, I hope all of you had a *great* New Year's Eve, no matter what you chose to do with it... I myself, was busy working... But New Year's Eve, despite the general rowdiness and craziness, is quite possibly the best night to be a musician... Everyone's happy, everyone wants to party, and the enthusiasm is high... And you get New Year's kisses from everyone... *winks*

I am going to take it easy tonight, and consider the potentials of this new year I've been given... No resolutions, of course, because I can't possibly keep them... But I will take stock and consider what I can do to make life better...

And tomorrow I will be back with all the new verve the new journey will have fired in me... Plus a little project I've been working on... (I promised it's unveiling back in my old AOL journal, but AOL decided to put the kibosh on that and set me back two months... But now, it's finished and ready for your praise or condemnation... *grin*) So until tomorrow - be well, sleep off those hangovers (if you got 'em), and I'll be back bright-eyed and bushy tailed to entertain you (and myself) with my pointless ramblings...

2005-12-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

The White King

I stole this from Ken - and it turned out pretty much as I expected it would...

The White King
You scored 1 Power-Finesse, 4 Leader-Follower, 2 Unique-Ordinary, and 3 Offense-Defense!

You are ambitious and want to press any advantage that you have. By using others, not doing it yourself. Occasionally you are more cautious, barricading yourself into a corner and letting your followers slug it out in the middle-- but if things are looking pretty bleak you're not afraid to jump in and finish the job yourself.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 2% on Power-Finesse
You scored higher than 76% on Leader-Follower
You scored higher than 11% on Unique-Ordinary
You scored higher than 55% on Offense-Defense

Link: The What Chess Piece Are You Test written by Gundark27 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

2005-12-29T23:29:00.000-08:00

Okay... I've been tagged by Heather to confess five of my weirdest habits... (In public no less!) But I'm a good sport - so for the first time *ever* (and certainly the last) I will confess to the net at large my strangenesses... Now don't you feel special...? *winks*

These are the rules of the game: You must write a journal entry listing those weirdnesses you possess ~ as well as the rules of the game... Then, you select five people to tag and link their names/blogs in your entry... Go to their journals and leave a comment informing them they have been tagged by you and to read your journal to see in what way they have been nailed...! Those five then MUST write an entry listing their weird habits and tag an additional five people...

And here's my five weirdest habits:

1. When I get nervous, I clack my teeth together... It drives people completely mad...
2. When people irritate me, I hiss at them... Just like an angry cat...
3. I will not wear the colour yellow because I think it makes my skin look yellow... That includes yellow gold too... I only wear white gold, silver, and platinum...
4. I hum when I'm thinking intently about something... So everyone knows when I'm distracted by my own thoughts... (Ratting myself out sucks...)
5. I sometimes sleep with my eyes open... It freaks people out...

So there you have it, my strangeness exposed... Go ahead, laugh... :)

And I tag (forgive me) :

Omar
Brandy
Kell
Charley
Ken

2005-12-22T02:42:00.000-08:00

Endings and Beginnings

First off - A hat tip to Ken, who posted this poem I had forgotten, but that I love:

Fire And Ice by Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

I've been experiencing this *all year*... And I have to say something about that - for those of you who know why I started journalling in the first place, I'd like to announce that I'm over it... I've made my peace with my broken heart... The love is still there, it probably always will be, but I've let go the bitterness... You can't make someone love you, no matter how much you love them... You can't make anyone forgive you either, no matter how sorry you are... I accept that now... The door is there, and ever open, but that's all I can do...

No new dreams have replaced the old ones yet... But that's okay too... I can live with that... Time will give me other dreams, I suppose, though I still greive those that were lost... Maybe I always will... But even excruciating pain doesn't last forever... Now it's just a dull, empty ache that bleeds sometimes when the wind howls in the night, or the melody of a song full of memories drifts through the window... The regret is still bitter, but like the dregs of wine, able to be swallowed even if not savoured...

A new year swiftly flies toward us... And I am learning to live again... I don't know what this year may bring, but I will try to be as open as I can to all it's possibilities... I locked myself away in a tomb too long... An entire year spent with the dead and the shadows... Now I wait for the sun to rise, knowing that it must, eventually... And what the new day brings must be embraced, even if it seems safer to stay a wandering revenant... Perhaps the dawn will burn away the old me, and leave someone new in it's place... Or perhaps I'll just find that by some miracle, the light doesn't burn me as it once did... Whatever the case - the new day rises, and I must rise with it...

To all my friends, who stood by me, who kept me from giving up - thank you... I've learned to hope again... And that's in no small part your doing... Sometimes I get things I don't quite deserve - friends like you are one of those things... But deserving or not, I *am* ever grateful... May this season of endings and beginnings bring you the new day you might be seeking too... Blessings to you, and all joy this holiday time...

2005-12-18T21:00:00.000-08:00

The Sunday Seven

Courtesy of Patrick, at Patrick's Weekender:

What are your all-time favorite television commercials? If "favorite" isn't the right word for you, then what are the seven that tend to stand out the most in your mind?

1. The Geico Gecko - because he's bloody cute

2. The Taco Bell dog - especially the Godzilla one

3. Captain Morgan's Rum - because it amuses me to see people striking that ridiculous pose...

4. Miller Lite "courtroom" commercial with the caged badger - there is an inside joke around here about badgers which makes us all bust up when we see this one... But I won't explain the joke... You had to be there...

5. The Quizno's commercial with the weird little rats - not a favourite, but it freaked me out every time I saw it, and I still can't get those bug-eyed nightmares out of my memory...

6. The Christmas Season Coke commercials - this year's one with the penguins and bears and the one with the polar bears and the seal stick out in memory the most...

7. The Burger King King - another "freak you out one"... That mask is *beyond* creepy...

2005-12-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

The Saturday Six (one day late)

Courtesy of Patrick, at Patrick's Weekender :

1. How much of your Christmas shopping and holiday card mailing do you have left to accomplish? When do you expect to finish it if you haven't already?

I have one person left to shop for - Mother... As for when I expect to finish it, she may not get a present til after New Year's...

2. When giving gifts to co-workers or casual friends, how much importance do you place on the value of the gift you're giving them versus the value of the gift you imagine they're giving you?

I don't place any importance on monetary value of gifts... If they bought me a gift, that's enough for me to know they thought of me - no matter how small the gift might be...

3. What are you secretly hoping someone will give you for Christmas that you haven't specifically asked for?

This - because I love Victorian styled jewelry...

4. Take this quiz (if you haven't already!): Which Jones Holiday Soda Flavor are you?

You Are Pecan Pie Soda

Sweet, but totally nuts

What Jones Holiday Soda Are You?

5. Would you actually try that flavor?

Um, *no*...

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #78 from Carly: If you could step into the life of any fictional Christmas character -- Scrooge, Rudolph, Frost, etc. -- and live that part, which character would you choose and why?

I'd be the Ghost of Christmas Future - because I'm scary like that... *wicked grin*

2005-12-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

The Friday Five (one day late)

Courtesy of Charley, over at Courage:

1. What is the oldest object in the room with you?

My Edison Model D Idelia phonograph... It's still in good working order, and I occasionally play it for guests... It originally belonged to my great-aunt...

2. What is the newest?

A japanese porcelain teaset - the teapot's lidtop handle looks like a folded paper crane, and both teapot and cups are painted in an origami paper design... It was my early Xmas pressie from Jeanette...

3. What is your favorite object in the room with you?

A small plush wolf that howls when you hug him... He chases away the lonelies for me...

4. What is the most valuable object?

Probably the phonograph, monetarily... But emotionally, the Swarovski crystal rose that sits on my desk...

5. What is the ugliest object?

My marble gargoyle, but he's supposed to be...

2005-12-13T06:45:00.000-08:00

Narnia

If you people have *not* seen this movie yet, *go*...! I have been waiting for a big screen version of this story since the Beeb introduced their Narnia series... And this film *exceeded* my expectations...! Which is saying something, because I went expecting to be disappointed... Why, you ask...? Because the Narnia books are near and dear to my heart, and generally speaking, the film versions never live up to the treasured images that live in my heart and mind...

That didn't happen here... In fact, from the moment Mr. Tumnus wanders into sight, he was *my* Mr. Tumnus, exactly as I had pictured him... Scarier still, I had always pictured Peter as a sort of younger version of Cary Elwes, and lo and behold...! William Moseley *is* a younger version of Cary Elwes...! But it wasn't just the visuals that impressed me, although they were *very* impressive and true to what I had imagined... It was the *feel*...

The film-makers captured the magic I had always felt reading the Narnia books... For just a little while, I was that girl again, who peeked into every wardrobe she encountered, hoping to find her own way to Narnia... While I watched, time and place slipped away and Narnia was as real as it ever was when I was lost in the pages of C.S. Lewis' books... And that was *so* important to me, that they did not diminish the wonder and awe those stories brought me...

To harken back a moment to my last post - if we create our own Heavens . . . mine would be Narnia...

2005-12-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

Spirituality

This entry may be more esoteric than my usual, and for that you'll just have to forgive me... I've been exploring my spiritual side lately, and quantifying my beliefs in that regard - deciding what spiritual concepts I personally subscribe to and the parametres of those beliefs... I have have noted in these explorations, that I am something of a mystic in my belief system... Some of the concepts I embrace in my heart would likely make a die-hard skeptic want to throw up, actually...

I believe in both Fate and Self-determination -- I believe certain significant events in our lives *are* preordained in a general way... For example, I believe there are certain people we are meant to encounter in our lives... However, I believe this is balanced by self-determination... We may be fated to meet certain individuals, and certain circumstances regarding them may be preordained - but how we react to these people and circumstances are completely under our control... And the end result of these foreordained situations is *never* pre-written... How it turns out, is always up to us, even if we could not avoid the issue itself...

I believe in reincarnation -- There is no logical reasoning behind this belief except a *feeling*... I have met a number of people in my life that I just "knew", without really *knowing* them at all... Total strangers that I have met that were like encountering long-lost friends... A deep part of my soul *recognises* these people in a way I can never really explain with words... And I am drawn to those individuals as I am drawn to no others... They fit into my life easily, without me even having to make a place for them, as if they have always belonged, and always will...

I believe in soulmates -- That oft-used and oft-abused term, soulmates... It's tricky to admit believing in this, because so many people apply the term to even the most commonplace of relationships... But for me, soulmates are thus: A person that becomes such a part of your soul, that you cannot imagine how you thought life was complete without them... A person whose happiness means the world to you, much as that of a beloved child - no sacrifice would be too high to know that they were happy, loved, safe, and having a good life... A person whom your heart knows before even your mind does... A sub-context of this belief: I believe many soulmates are those we have loved in other lives, in other times, that we are Fated to meet, know, and love again - for as long as we are incarnate, and even after...

I believe in Heaven and Hell -- But not the Heaven and Hell of Judeo-Christian belief... My belief more closely resonates to the Tibetian Bardo Thodol - that we create for ourselves our own Heaven or Hell, and that even good people can end up trapped in an Afterlife created by their own fears and regrets... I believe the realm hereafter is no better or worse than what we expect to receive... And I believe that once we gain freedom from the negative emotions within us and attain our Heaven, we can choose to re-enter the cycle of incarnation or remain in that realm of peace... And I believe once attaining that Heavenly plane, we will see things clearly enough to make a knowledgable and informed decision about which path is the right one to take...

I believe in God(s ) -- I have no idea what form (if any) God(s) take, but I do believe they/he/she exists... When I look at the world around me, and the physics, the science, and the wonderous balance of the Universe's mechanism, I can't *not* believe... What a wonderous miracle it is to have such remarkable order in the midst of chaos... And I *do* subscribe to the concept and theory of evolution, as well as all the other scientific knowledge we have gained about how our world and it's place in the Universe functions... I view all these things as a self-perpetuating design by a Master hand... Science *reinforces* my belief in God(s), rather than diminishing it...

I have no concrete information to *prove* my beliefs correct... I have only what I feel in my heart to be true... But that is the nature of spiritual belief, isn't it...? Ultimately, it is about Faith... And Faith can never be proven, only felt...

What are your beliefs...? Have you ever analysed them, and attempted to discover what you believe on an individual basis...? Or are you more comfortable with organised religion's "universal" quantifications...? It is my own thought that everyone should question, analyse, and take stock of what they *personally* believe, no matter what religion they subscribe to... (Or even if they subscribe to none, as in my case...) One final belief -- there is no one Truth we can ever know in this life... We can only listen to that little voice inside us that speaks louder than any words ever could...

2005-12-09T14:39:00.000-08:00

I snagged this from Omar, at Detached and Indifferent Expressions:

THE TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. My fosterlings
2. Dancing in the rain
3. Five simple words: The music of Jim Steinman
4. Denny, Jeanette, Brandy, and Omar
5. A kiss for the sake of a kiss (No ulterior motive)
6. Egg creams at Hinsch's *sigh*
7. Singing for my supper
8. The Morrison Bridge, at night, with the wind whipping through my hair and the sounds of the city surrounding me
9. My rose garden
10. Loving, and being loved in return

I am with Omar on this one - I won't tag anyone... If you feel like picking this up though, let me know so I can read your answers too...

2005-12-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

The Darkside Survey

So - Omz has finished posting his "best of" for The Darkside Survey... I seriously suggest . . . no, I *insist* you go check it out... (And you wouldn't want to make Darth Lia *angry* would you...? Go...! Kneel before the Dark Lord...!)

But if anyone was curious what my complete answers to this survey were, here they are:

Aren't I a generous Lady to my minions...? (There's only *one* correct answer to this question)

THE DARKSIDE SURVEY:

1. What's your name? Angelia Rian, but I prefer Darth Lia, or Lady Lia (if you're willing to kiss my boots) *evil grin*

2. What's your age? 33 glorious years has the universe been blessed with my presence, and I plan on living forever...

3. What's your sign? "Dangerous Curves Ahead"

4. Have you ever been to the zoo? Yes, but I prefer to think of everyone as my own personal zoo... (People watching is fun!)

5. Do you like to touch monkeys? This question is just *wrong*...

6. Do you love to grind meat? Do you like to take meat and grind it until it melts in perfected bliss? No, but I might be interested in grinding bones to make my bread...

7. Have you ever had spotted dick? The dessert...? Yes... And I don't touch men with spotted dick, 'cause that's just *nasty*... ;)

8. Can you tie a cherry stem into a knot? If so, why? It's a freakin' cherry stem. Yes, I can... With only my tongue and my teeth... As to why - it's just one of my mad skillz... Fear me...!

9. What's the cheesiest line you've ever used to pick up someone? Moi? Use a cheesy pick up line...? Surely you jest...

10. When you are told to come, do you come immediately, or is it too hard? Of course I do... And it's *never* too hard... *dark smile*

11. Do you like to ride the pony? Is it a pretty pony? It's a stallion, baby... I don't *do* ponies...

12. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear names like Peter, Willy, Johnson, or Tallywacker? Prince Charles... *evil smile*

13. If you had to name a body part, what would you name it? Hortense

14. Would you touch me in the morning, then just walk away? If I touched you in the morning, *no one* would be walking anywhere for several hours... At least...

15. When people ask you questions, do you ever have the feeling that you take them the wrong way? Of course not... I know everything, and I am always right... If you don't think so, that just proves my point... ;)

16. Have you ever been so firthy that you dented a buck? What kind of sick demented bastard thought up this question...? *shudders in disgust*

For anyone who might think: "OMG...! What happened to sweet, demure Lia...?" I have this pithy response: "This is a *Darkside* Survey... What the hell else did you expect...?" *dark smile*

2005-12-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

Wicked Games...

Have you ever just had moments where you want to be wanted...? It's not about wanting to follow through with that wanted-ness, but just to know someone finds you irresistible... I had one of those moments recently... I'd consented to go on a double blind date with Jeanette, her blind date, and a friend of his... And though I fully admit my teasing was utterly unfair, it *was* a blind date, where normal people don't *expect* to "get lucky"... And I thought it a good opportunity to experiment and ply my charms... (Which I don't get to do very often) Also, I must admit, while getting ready for this blind date, I wasn't really thinking of my date... I had another person in mind entirely...

But I was dead-set to impress - so the first step was appearance... I went through my entire closet before finally deciding... The ensemble was as follows: ivory linen blouse with low gathered bodice, with bell sleeves; paired with a burgundy velvet vest and black stretch velvet leggings; and finished with black patent leather stiletto heeled boots... I left my hair down, with loose curls, and used kohl to emphasize the slight slant of my eyes... But as everyone knows, looks are only half the equation... A fine appearance captures the intial attention, but can never hold it if you are not far more than a pretty face...

Our dates arrived... I complimented Bryan (my date) on his shirt, sliding my fingers down his sleeve from shoulder to wrist before taking his hand and letting him escort me to the car... Our first stop was a local dance club, where Bryan quietly admitted, "I don't dance much." I gave him my most dazzling smile and said, "Don't worry... Dance with me... I promise I'll make you look good..." I led him to the floor and used him as a foil for my moves... Taking his hand, I spun and danced around him, occasionally sliding in close and closer than close... He followed my lead well with just a few steps and his hands, making it seem as if he were leading me, which was of course the point... After that, he was more than willing to dance with me, and we danced the whole time we were there... "You look great, your singing kicks ass, your dancing is ... wow... What else do you do...?" he asked as we left... "There's very little I *don't* do... I'll try anything once... More if I like it..." I truthfully replied with a smile... (The implications of which were a little unfair, but it was a nice ego boost to see his eyes light up like christmas trees)

Afterwards, we headed to a sports bar to play some pool... And I learned exactly how to improve the angle of my lean across the table to keep Bryan's attention... He missed several shots due to that distraction, which all of us found amusing... But I did start to feel a bit guilty for toying with him so, especially since he wasn't the one my thoughts were really on... It just felt so incredibly *good* to be wanted... And I didn't mind the attention either, as I'd begun to think I was losing my touch... So I sat down at our table, determined to be a good girl... But the only thing I really have a talent for is being bad, I think... Bryan came over and sat down beside me... We talked, but I couldn't help myself from flirting outrageously with him - hand on his leg, holding his hand and stroking it with my fingers, whispering naughty double entendre responses to his comments...

I pushed things just a little too far... Especially since it wasn't *him* I was interested in, but that other who was in my thoughts... I finally got myself to behave a minute, pulled Jeanette aside, and told her what was up... She agreed it was probably a good idea to call it a night... So we managed to get us all headed home, but my guilty conscience was to take one more blow... Thinking to give Bryan a little sweet along with the tease, I kissed him goodnight and whispered in his ear, "Thank you... I had a *wonderful* evening..." But as I pulled away, the look on his face was so pained, I almost visibly cringed... He also looked a bit confused, and I felt somewhat worse for that as well, because I realised for him, my signals had become mixed indeed...

I've decided I'm not cut out for this blind dating thing... If I don't know or care about a person, it seems I just can't resist my worst impulses and just end up toying with them unmercifully... Which really wasn't right of me to do... I think in the future, I shall reserve my impulses (especially the worst ones) for situations I fully intend to follow through with... I suspect I am firmly labelled in the "Bitch" category with Bryan now, which I do deserve... But I'm sorry for that... He was a nice guy and I really *did* enjoy our date...

2005-12-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a bit defeated today...

For those of you who are not aware, I've been helping spearhead a protest against the addition of banner ads in AOL Journals... (These are journals/blogs of *paid* members - if you want to know more about this, please see our site: http://embark.to/jlandvoices)

Well - yesterday, the "official party line" came down from the AOL execs: "The ads are here to stay"... But that's not what's got me depressed/defeated... (I expected that would be their response) It was *how* it was said... Condescending, belittling, *insulting*... And the letter made it perfectly clear that *nothing* we have said matters one iota to AOL, even if it *costs them money*... Because they are equally certain they can recoup their revenue off some other suckers... (Read Dollar Bill Scrounger's . . . oops I meant Mr. Bill Schreiner's letter to J-Land here)

So today, I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall... And I am unsure if much can be accomplished of our original purpose (to convince AOL to remove the ads, or hell, even amend the ads to give us some choice, which was more likely) ... At this point it seems that our only other recourse is to publicise AOL's complete lack of customer service... However, there will always be those who accept what AOL offers despite that... So where do we go from here...?

I know there are plenty of people who will say, "Well you were stupid to think you could sway AOL to do anything..." Not true... I didn't expect to sway them... I expected they would react adamantly opposed to any and all change... What I didn't expect is that they'd come right out and say (in so many veiled words), "Get lost suckers, there's more where you came from"... Your average company at least makes an attempt at looking like they give a shit, even if they don't... And therein one can usually accomplish *something*...

I'm not going to say I'm going to wash my hands of this yet, but I'm honestly out of ideas... And I'm not really good with the ideas, anyway... If anyone has *any* suggestions, other than media "bad press" (which we're already doing) or vocality on AOL's lack of customer service - I'm willing to hear them... Maybe I just can't resist playing David to AOL's Goliath, but hey, look how it turned out for David... And I never *could* resist the urge to fight "city hall"...

2005-12-02T05:56:00.000-08:00

Last night was our annual LGBT/PFLAG potluck holiday dinner...

And I don't think we've had so many people before...! Everyone was really involved this year (and not just because of the marriage issue) and it was *so* wonderful to see everyone come together in fellowship and thanks for a year of volunteer work well done... There were twice as many PFLAG parents this year, too - a sight which warmed my heart... We're bridging the gaps and coming together... Like we always should have...

Mary was our co-ordinator again this year, and as per usual, made the event as glamourous as a potluck can be... *smiles* My contribution to the pot was slow-cooked cajun shrimp gumbo (a family recipe passed on to me by Jeanette who knows more about awesome New Orleans cooking than I will ever learn) , and double chocolate cupcakes with mint frosting (and garnished with Andes Mints)... I didn't even *get* a cupcake, they vanished within minutes... *laughs*

I got to deliver our volunteer awards for this year as well... All except my own, which was a wonderful surprise delivered by Mary... If I'd known I was getting one, I might have prepared something to say... As it was, I sounded a bit lame: "Oh...! Gee...! Wow...! Um, this is so cool...! Thanks...! I mean, thank you, everyone...!" I must have looked like a deer in the headlights up there, but all the laughter was good-natured... *smiles*

I wish all our get-togethers would come off so well, but in life, sometimes you have to take the bitter with the sweet, I suppose... Last night, was perfect, though... There was friendship, appreciation, unity, and love... I wish every day could end so well... For all of us...

2005-11-30T14:26:00.000-08:00

I stole this from Heather, at Singing With My Heart

A- Age of my first kiss: 10
B- Band I am listening to right now: The Jimi Hendrix Experience
C- Crush: No one, sadly enough
D- Dad's name: Richard Nicolae
E- Easiest person to talk to: Omar
F- Favorite ice cream: Hagen Daz Strawberry Shortcake
G- Gummy bears or gummy worms: Gummy bears
H- Hometown: Tirgoviste
I- Instruments: Guitar, keyboard, sax (lately anyway)
J- Junior high: Home-schooled
K- Kids: Foster kids - Sean, Stephanie, Bradley, Heather, and Katherine
L- Longest car ride ever: Coast to coast from Portland, OR to New York City, NY
M- Mom's name: Janetta Alexandra
N- Nickname: Lia, Angel
O- One wish: To find forgiveness
P-Phobias: Being alone, losing those I love
Q- Quote: "Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point."
R- Reason to smile : A great night last night, a good morning, and a relaxing afternoon
S- Song I last sang: Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield
T- Time I woke up today: 9am (but I fell asleep at 6am)
U- Unknown fact about me: Sometimes I sleep with my eyes open
V- Vegetable(s): Green beans, aubergines, cucumber
W- Worst habit: Self-isolation
X- X-Rays I've had: Maybe 10?
Y- Years since I've been to church: A decade and a half
Z- Zodiac sign: Aquarius

2005-11-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

The Thanksgiving Feast

The Menu:

Appetizers - Antipasto (black olives, artichoke hearts, tuscan peppers, cherry tomatoes, celery hearts, genoa salami, prosciutto, pepperoni, mortadella, anchovy fillets, provolone, mozzarella; served with red wine vinegar and virgin olive oil)
Romanian Cabbage Rolls
Mongolian Spiced Beef
Paprika Chicken Wings
Italian Stuffed Cherry Tomatoes (mortadella and breadcrumbs w/alfredo sauce)
Cinnamon Baked Apple slices

Soup - Cold Cress and Cucumber
Hot Pastina and Rice

Salad - Caesar (with homemade dressing)

Entrees - Turkey (with garlic paprika stuffing)
Lasagna
Manicotti
Mongolian Stir Fry

Sides - Honeyed Yams
Scalloped Garlic and Cheese Potatoes
Green Beans with fennel dressing
Grilled Aubergine in butter sauce
Damson dressing
Bok Choy and Rice
Hot Italian Sausage
Romanian Blood Sausage

Breads - Romanian Black Rye
Romanian Blood Bread
Italian Bread
French Bread
Ciriola Rolls

Desserts - Tiramisu
Poached Pears in Vanilla Syrup (served with creme fraiche and chocolate sauce)

Drinks - Newcastle Ale
Haut Brion Red Bordeaux (2000)
Brocard Chablis Grand Cru Les Clos (1997)
Cristal (1999)
Sprite
Pepsi
Fresca (Citrus, and Black Cherry Citrus)

The Party:

Gods, where to begin...? Well, to start with, I had 42 people over... Yes, *42*... And enough food to feed an army, much of which I made myself... The rest happened with some help from Jeanette and Amy (Denny's girl)... We were cooking for a couple of days just to make sure we had enough for everyone...

Most of the guests were friends of mine, and friends of friends - but I also had three relatives visit - my Uncle Vasili, my cousin Khongi, and her Uncle Yang... Uncle Yang is perhaps the worst guest *ever*... He has no manners to speak of, picks his teeth with his fork (and sometimes other people's forks), belches loudly, and wipes his face and hands on the tablecloth... We are not exactly sure *why* he does these things, except perhaps that now he feels he's old enough to get away with it...

But with the exception of Uncle Yang (whom we had to watch like hawks), things went off without much of a hitch... Everyone had a delightful time, and much wonderful conversation was had by all... I think I might have been instrumental in engineering a couple of romantic hook-ups as well, which was so very awesome... The only downer was when Jeanette dropped a dish of poached pears, so not everyone got a taste of those... *sigh*

Out of 42 people, 19 stayed overnight because getting home required them to drive and I confiscated all their keys as a good hostess should... So we had a mini slumber party afterwards, with sleeping bags, comforters, and air mattresses all over the floor... We stayed up late into the night, talking, drinking, and playing Yahtzee - until one by one everyone dropped off to sleep... Eventually, the only ones left standing were Jeanette, Denny, and me... And we topped off the night by drinking at least five cups of coffee each and finishing off the last of the tiramisu... I woke up later to find I'd ended up sleeping on the couch using Denny's lap as a pillow...

But all in all, this was the best Thanksgiving Feast I've had so far... I made three new friends as well, all of whom are invited to the Xmas Feast... Thank the gods I've got a couple of weeks break between then and now - I don't think I could pull this all off again right away... *grin*

2005-11-28T05:12:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the resurrection of A Fallen Angel Under A Dark Moon... I have decided that I could not do without the journal I loved so much... But since I am adamant that I will not pay AOL to jerk me around, I have moved it here... I must say, I missed my tags in each post, too...

But it's late, and I've got quite a bit to do before I sleep - so watch this space... There *will* be more to see shortly...